The past 6 months have been a roller coaster.. I have had miscarriages, surgery, a broken foot, all these things ended up in a nervous breakdown. I was having panic attacks, sleepless nights, returning to my job as a nanny sent me into a spiral. After praying with my husband we decided I should not return to work. This was no easy choice, I was deeply saddened about leaving the family I cared for. I was scared about the financial aspect, but in the end I had to trust that God was going to care for us if this was His will.
After I turned in my notice God did bless us. Very much like a loving parents He made sure we had enough money in the bank, He lined up some freelance work for my husband and He sent me a call from my beloved spiritual director. I started to dig in, work out these feelings and what I have learned so far is that I am small. Small, selfish, spoiled and greedy. I want what I want, and even if I discern and get an answer other than my desire I still push it. I have heard from so many that they too feel this way , do these things ,but it still annoys me about myself.
I desperately want to spend this time I have been given properly. Yet I am not sure what properly means yet. I have this overwhelming feeling that I am to be a blessing to others, of course my mind jumps right to how, when, where, with whom?? However, I do not think it is for me to know yet. My husband and I also have a feeling that whatever God does decide to show us may not come with a pay check. We are surprisingly okay with this, I am thanking the Sacramental Graces for that one!
I guess what I have taken the most from these past 6 months is that we have no control. We do not call the shots, He does. We can plan and force and drive our wills all we want but in the end if we are open in our hearts to doing God's will He will make sure that happens. This thought was ringing true to me on two occasions. One was when my cycle began this month and there was no joy of life coming into our little home just yet. Oh and side note, I know we have time, I know we do not need to rush but being reminded of that only reminds me of how little time here we actually have. The second time was when a friend of mine was sharing her plans for the next year, she and her husband wanted to travel and grow the numbers in their bank account and on the face of it those things are not bad but my heart broke a little. I see this beautiful couple and I want them to have what we are striving for, new life. Money goes away, the memories from a trip fade, pictures get lost. The only thing tangible, real, is Life. My prayer is that one day I can be thankful and peaceful for however God decides to send that Life to us.
After I turned in my notice God did bless us. Very much like a loving parents He made sure we had enough money in the bank, He lined up some freelance work for my husband and He sent me a call from my beloved spiritual director. I started to dig in, work out these feelings and what I have learned so far is that I am small. Small, selfish, spoiled and greedy. I want what I want, and even if I discern and get an answer other than my desire I still push it. I have heard from so many that they too feel this way , do these things ,but it still annoys me about myself.
I desperately want to spend this time I have been given properly. Yet I am not sure what properly means yet. I have this overwhelming feeling that I am to be a blessing to others, of course my mind jumps right to how, when, where, with whom?? However, I do not think it is for me to know yet. My husband and I also have a feeling that whatever God does decide to show us may not come with a pay check. We are surprisingly okay with this, I am thanking the Sacramental Graces for that one!
I guess what I have taken the most from these past 6 months is that we have no control. We do not call the shots, He does. We can plan and force and drive our wills all we want but in the end if we are open in our hearts to doing God's will He will make sure that happens. This thought was ringing true to me on two occasions. One was when my cycle began this month and there was no joy of life coming into our little home just yet. Oh and side note, I know we have time, I know we do not need to rush but being reminded of that only reminds me of how little time here we actually have. The second time was when a friend of mine was sharing her plans for the next year, she and her husband wanted to travel and grow the numbers in their bank account and on the face of it those things are not bad but my heart broke a little. I see this beautiful couple and I want them to have what we are striving for, new life. Money goes away, the memories from a trip fade, pictures get lost. The only thing tangible, real, is Life. My prayer is that one day I can be thankful and peaceful for however God decides to send that Life to us.
