one of those days...

So today was just one of those days.. The kind of day where I am happy to be alive but wish God didn't think of me as such a close friend.. Mother Teresa said that those who have great suffering are Gods closest friends.lucky them! The day started at 4am when Maggie came in my bed crying bc she missed mom and didn't feel well. It then moved quickly to 530am when Chris needed his bottle for the morning and Lucy and Steve thought it was time to get up..next came breakfast where Steve wouldn't eat anything bc he "didn't want to". From 7am til noon I cleaned. For those of you who don't know I am staying at my parents house til Saturday with all 5 kids bc they went on vacation.
The rest of the day was full of fights with Brian about how to make a hot dog or when to clean his room..all in all I can see why my parents wanted a vacation. Its now 6 pm, everyone has been fed the house is clean and I even made some cupcakes. I admire the mothers who do this daily I hope to be one , one day. Until that day comes I will enjoy my days off by going to the gym and sleeping in :-)

Homesick

My Uncle Clyde passed away this morning , he has been been very sick for the past few months. He is leaving behind his wife , kids, dogs a full life. This got me thinking about being homesick. As a Catholic Christian I believe that heaven is my true home, where I belong one day. I am homesick for heaven all the time. I want nothing more than to be with Our Lord and serve. I wonder if Clyde will get to go "home" now. He did not have any religious beliefs that I know of, so does he get to see and rejoice in the heaven I dream of daily? I think so. I know that God is loving and merciful, He wants us all to be with Him so even if one of His children has gone away from Him, he still loves them and wants to welcome them into the Kingdom..I will miss my Uncle, he was a funny, bright, loving man and his passing is sad in the view of emotion but I am also so happy for him. He gets to go home, he gets to finally be at peace. I am jealous of this great grace and gift he has been given, for there is no better feeling then going home.

The little things

Recently I have been thinking about Fatima.. I turned on the radio as I do every morning while I clean the kitchen in the home I work for, today Father Corapi was on talking about , guess what> FATIMA! If any of you have ever heard Father Corapi you understand why I turned him up louder and listened in hard. For those of you who have not heard him I suggest you do http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhAyEZR4gUk. His conversion story really hits home with me.. Anyway, I was listening to him talk about prayer and penance and how the message of Fatima was just that. Offer everything up daily until the day you die for Our Lord. The state of the world has only gotten worse since Fatima , it makes me wonder about how we as Christan's are approaching Our Lord as well as our faith. I often find myself not wanting to offer things up, like I have spoken about in previous blogs , I get angry and selfish. I throw those opportunity's away. I ignore the fact that I could have given that little thing to God and gained some much needed grace. Father Corapi told a story about having to take out the trash during a snow storm, he didn't want to do it, but his grandmother said 'offer it up'. I think we have all lost that approach. The dishes sit in the sink for a days, the clean laundry stays stacked at the end of our bed , the bathroom isn't clean once again. All these things are chances for us to offer it up. I am reminded of a story; Mother Theresa went to visit a new convent that was opening, she walked into the bathroom and a smile broke out on her face the sister with her asked " Mother why are you so happy?" Mother replied"Because I see the sister who cleaned this bathroom loved the Lord very much, look how clean this floor is". This is a great example of offering it up, doing something we hate for the greater good. This is something I strive for day in and day out, probably, hopefully til I die.

The Virture

Patience. A virtue I don't really have. I seem to obtain this in waves, I have it while at work with the kids all day or I have it while in a 3 hours meeting but when I need it most it fails to appear. I do not have it with my family by any means, everything they say or do drives me up a wall. I am sure some of that is normal growing pains of having a big family but a lot of it is just me, being annoyed. I also loose my view of patience with my relationship. I want what I want and I want it now. Now of course I am not talking about dinner at a nice restaurant or a new necklace I am talking about marriage, I don't want to wait any longer so I vocalize that and then the stress comes rolling in. All of these things I am bad with, my all or nothing line kicks in and I find myself stuck between a bullet and a target, somewhere I don't want to be. I know God is calling me to be better. I know He is putting me in these situations so I can learn to offer this up and over come these small things as prayers for bigger issues. I am horrible at it. I want to be better and I pray hard to improve but every time I am faced with a family member or a annoying person in a store or my relationship status I loose my patience and my human nature comes out in droves. I guess this is a life long battle, a cross per say that I will need to learn to carry a bit more upright. On one hand I feel blessed that God cares enough to point this out to me and be willing to help me work on it, however the other hand is tapping its fingers...

The Mother Struggle

Transformation. At 24 years old who wants to go through the trouble of transforming themselves? apparently me.. Today started the long strain of counseling with my mother. It has been a long hard road to get here. I am happy we are at a point, whether she likes it or not, that we are dealing with the unspoken mess of the last 10 years. I assume this will be tiring and long but worth it in the end.. Kinda like earth for Christians. This part stinks, we work hard, we are tired , sore, beat up, broken down but all for the gain of heaven. My "mother struggle" is my "earth" my suffering time, but at some point this will end and we will both be freed into heaven! I also haven't forgotten that I am not the only child with "mom issues". There are so many women I know who have and or have had problems with their parental units, its all about how we deal with that. My mother and I are both strong and pig headed we need a mediator to sort through our mean snips and snaps and get us down to the studs and start this remodel. I am hopeful in this mess because I know God loves us both and gave us to one another, He isn't going to steer us wrong.. Its , once again, about trust. Trusting Him and Him in us. So I am walking into this cluster with a smile, my rosary and faith. That's all I can do.

Honesty

Yet another topic of humility. Honesty, a virtue that I have not always had. Its easy at times to just tell a white lie;I don't have any change for the cheerleaders standing outside wawa, I put all of my clothes away when my mother would ask when I was little( or even sometimes even now). These things seem harmless but I have found in the past they are a gateway drug to bigger lies. So why is honesty so important? Because the Bible tells us so? Because we want to avoid a punishment later on? It seems to me honesty usually equals pain BC the things people need to be honest about are hurtful and or wrong. I hate this. More and more these past few days I have been going through a sort of purgatory on earth. I know God is getting me ready for something big but first;suffering. As you can tell from my recent writings, I am working some things out. Honesty seems to be the next player called to bat from my team of emotional baggage. I have had to be very honest with myself and the things/emotions I have suppressed these years and in turn, others are being honest with me. O joy .A fun filled time for all! I have a bit of a bone to pick with Eve , ya know the first woman. If she would have just left that damn apple alone we wouldn't be in this position! Not only am I making up for and working out my own issues I am dealing with it BC of Eve! God MUST be as loving as they say to have dealt with this for all these years! So here I am, start of a new week picking up my cross (which has gotten much heavier since I started "working out my issues") praying for the strength, patience, understanding and the love I need to stay upright.

Failure

I guess we have all felt like a failure at one time or another. Accompanied with my feeling of emptiness I have one of failure. Recently my boyfriend and I have been talking about marriage. Talking about all the stuff that leads up to the final decision; can we do it? is it Gods will? is it our will? Well we were having some trouble for one reason or another so we went to talk to our parish priest for some guidance some advice on what we should do.. End result; I feel like a failure. The priest had some great insight.He made a lot of sense and gave us great advice however I walked out of the office feeling like I failed. I pushed us to be in this part of the relationship and I thought I was doing what God wanted. I thought since I felt so strongly and wanted so badly to be with my boyfriend I was doing the right thing. Yet I realized it is a mix of my will and God's. I was doing Gods will by being with my boyfriend however I was doing His will at my pace. That's not how it works. God has a path a plan and time for all of us and we have to be able to bend and trust that He knows what is best. So here I am , I feel like I am standing in a white room, no way in or out. What happens next? The only answer I have is trust God, give up control and hope that everything is going to be alright. Because in the end that all we can do. We have to trust and wait and pray , I have to practice what I preach. A good dose of humility.

Felling Empty

Recently I have been feeling empty this has caused me to think about Mother Theresa.. She often felt empty. As someone who gets a lot of grace from God this feeling is odd. Its like when the big problem is in front of me, God removes his hands. Now I know He doesn't really, I know He is actually closer to me then ever ,He is just silent. This is something I don't know if I will ever get used too. I love feeling the Holy Spirit, it is like a security blanket. But then those times come like now that I feel alone. These times happen for different reason sometimes it is BC I am in the state of mortal sin other times it is just BC, atleast I think, God wants me to figure this one out based on all the info and help He has given me before. I am truly like a child in this. I want the help of my Father. I do not want to do this alone. I want Him to come down and sort this all out with me. Yet I know that trust is what He is teaching from above. He wants me to trust that He is taking care of me, taught me and will keep teaching me but sometimes I have to be tested. Its really easy when I have this empty feeling to fall away, eat a ton of cupcakes, not want to pray, not want to see my loved ones. This is the test, my challenge, to keep going strong as if I did feel filled with the Holy Spirit. The funny things is when I go push through these times I always end up feeling great and filled with grace. It is just hard to remember that in the moment. So help me Father, help me to trust you more to be more like Your Son and His Mother. Help me in knowing that you know what is best and no matter how much pain I have to endure You will be there to embrace me in the end.