Gracefully Graceless

      Good news, I am no longer dark and twisty. After my last post I went to adoration, confession and Mass. I left feeling light as air, I felt like my problems were well under way of being taken care of. That being said, my husband and I decided to have a "care free weekend". One day I bought him this , I love you book of coupons, at any time either of us may invoke a coupon. I chose the fun weekend thinking we would go to dinner, see a friend, be silly , laugh , pray together ect ect... boy was I wrong.  After leaving Mass we made a plan to visit our favorite local spot, we had corned beef reubens for dinner, a friend came to dine with us after much laughter we went back to our friends new apartment to see the space. We stayed and chatted for a few hours, I ate ice cream and breathed a little easier due to our "fun weekend". It was getting late and we had to walk home so we kissed our goodbyes and headed for her back door. Our friend lives on top of a larger building her back door opens to a long trail of wooden deck stairs. We started down making a passing comment about how there is no light and the landlord should remedy that. Moments later I stepped down thinking I reached the landing but I actually missed three steps. I tumbled and landed on my right foot. I screamed out , only half from the pain and half from knowing something was broken and again I was going to be "useless" .
        My husband and friend helped me down the steps and into her car. I went to bed crying out of anger and pain willing my feet to be well. In the morning I got up , I slowly placed my feet on the floor , I tried to stand, back down I went. I would say this is the point where the stage of denial kicked in, I refused to believe this was happening. My husband got up helped me get dressed and we made our way to the emergency center. A few X-rays some friendly banter and a soft cast later I learned I broke my 5th metatarsal . The tall sad looking doctor informed me I would need to keep the cast on and walk on the foot as little as possible. Because it is my right foot I cannot drive, and the recovery time would be, drum roll please, 6-8 weeks! I laughed out loud when I heard that! Didn't I just get back to work from a seven week recovery after surgery? Yes folk ,yes I did. So this begs the question; What is God trying to do here, make me insane? Well, no, I do not think so. I think He is trying to teach us trust. My husband has to care for me, I have to let him, our families have to trust that we will be okay and provide for ourselves in this tough time and ultimately we all have to trust God. I am doing surprisingly well with it. At first I though I would be insane, housebound and crazy but I am peaceful, thankful even! I have time to blog, to pray, I get 40 plus days in the desert!!That my friends, is exciting. In the end I am still in need of prayer, I am still learning to let my husband do things for me, I am still frustrated when I can't shower with out being held up. However,  I am at peace that God has a plan here and I am trying to be a willing soul to His Word. So in this last "leg of lent" I ask you dear Father to mold me, to use me, to help me be the graceful daughter you created. 

Dark and Twisty

I am dark and twisty... I am cynical and angry... I am on fire with disdain, fear, emotion and pain. These current feelings have been causing me to be less than charitable, less than a good friend. I am not normally someone who has a lot of self pity, I actually dislike women who run around with the " oh poor me" attitude. I am sure there this some kind of link in my brain among emotions and being weak. However recently I have been more compassionate towards my "poor me" sisters. I  have no desire to be social, I am having a hard time seeing pregnant women in public. I am feeling sorry for myself, and I hate it. I loathe how I am feeling, I have disdain for the water coming from my eyes, I want to scream at the people who want to hug me and tell me it is all okay and God has a plan... I know that, I get it, God has a plan, I am just a piece in a puzzle, be thankful for His love and grace...blah blah blah, these poor loving souls who just want to help me , I want them to just, please, shut up!  I also am not responding to the " suck it up kid, bad things happen every day" attitude.  That just makes me want to hit someone. I am left feeling like I do not belong, like I don't have a category to place myself in. I am so wrapped up in this I can't see my way out. I am normally a firm believer in the idea that when you feel sorry for yourself your too close to yourself and need to do charity for others. I want to be charitable I want to do for others but all I have been able to muster was helping with the Soup night at our Church. Even now writing this i feel self indulgent and ridiculous. I am asking you my dear loving friends, pray for me. I know God's love, I have felt it, I know He is here and I trust I will get out of this but right now, I can't see the forest through the trees , I am lost in this dark and twisty place and I really want to go Home.