The doldrums

    I am bored. Life ,right now anyway, is boring. I have no creative thoughts. I started to paint the bathroom , I painted it white. It looks like we bath in a mental hospital from the 30's.  I need color, spring time color. I want to see the tulips poke from the ground, the buds of green grass forcing their way through left over snow. I feel like a vacation is in order, however we can't afford one. The only bit of warm air I can afford is when our heat decides to pop on. Which is normally 4am while I am fast asleep under a mountain of blankets. I have to throw the blankets off, jump from our bed in a rage. There is something about being too hot while sleeping that causes a violent reaction in me, I am sure my husband loves it!
    Aside from a brief stomach bug life as we know it has consisted of saving ever penny we can, watching endless hours of trash TV , like the Vampire Diaries, to the point where I dream about the characters and the occasional friendly face. I hate this time of year. I always have visions of sugar plums, snow storms, baking cookies, hot cocoa by the fire but in reality its bittter cold, my coat is ripped and has no buttons, we have little to no money and we are stuck in a condo worth half what we paid.
  Here is my plea, help me Lord be less of a cry baby, help me learn to love all things and at all times no matter what. Help me to be more like Mary, Oh and please, help me afford a new coat!


 

The reality of sadness

I had a miscarriage. I am fine and so is my husband, yet I spent the last few weeks feeling like something was missing. As I found out what was happening I felt as if my body was betraying me. I wanted to shake myself, explain to my body that we are on the same team, she can't go making plans for us that I don't agree with. I felt this disconnected sense of reality, like I was watching this happen to someone else. I felt sorrow for "her" but didn't know how to help. My mantra of " this is God's will, your just a vessel" rang through my head every 3 minutes as I lay on our tiny leather love seat watching hours of mindless movies. I had no power, my doctor had no power. I was nothing more than a broken vessel.
 A few weeks have passed and the shock has worn off. I have stopped crying and started talking to my doctors. Apparently the most recent advances in early pregnancy miscarriages are slim. I was instructed to let my self heal and try again, if I had 2 more miscarriages then the Doctor would look into why and what can be done. Two more,this is the marvel of modern medicine, just wait and see? Yet I have no choice, I could do a million charts and take my temperature every 8 hours or I can do nothing. We've decided to do nothing. After much prayer and talking it over with my husband we have decided to in fact, trust God. This may be the scariest thing I have ever done but it feels oddly right.
 I realized it is not up to me to control this, I had no control as God took that life so why should I think I have any now? I feel humbled and yet grateful for a God that loves me so much He will take care of me. I don't need to worry, if it is His will we will have children and if it is not, then we need to trust He has a better plan for us. It is a little like walking into a cave without a light, food, cellphone, map, matches and a tent. Exhilarating and terrifying but here we go.

The beast is back

Its been awhile. I am newly married and that is the extent of my excuse, my Catholic friends will understand my lack of interest in the computer screen. Instead of going on about what has been happening these past few months and throwing in a joke to keep you amused I will skip the recap and go into a new topic.

 FARMS. I want one , no, crave one. I grew up with a bit of land but no chickens to peck at my feet, no horse to rub my neck and beg for a ride. Therefore I had to create this fantasy life in my head, right down to the lack of manure and 4 am milking. Recently I have decided to save our little house some money by making some of the things we normally buy. I was given a copy of Make the bread buy the Butter for Christmas (www.thetipsybaker.com) Flipping through the pages I was reminding of my dreams of having land that my kids could roam around on, chickens to peck at them and ducks to chase me down the lane screaming into the house like they did to my Grandmother when they raises ducks.  Is this a dream that I can make a reality? No, not right now anyway. At the moment we are in a 5th floor walk up where I can barely keep basil alive. Yet the dream still calls to me, finger nail beds covered in dirt as I dig around for potatoes and carrots. Maybe one day we will be able to have a bit if land, some of God's amazing creatures rooming around but for now I will stick to cultivating my words to you and less on our future sprouts.