It is good to be back, now lets get down to business.

           Hello dear friends! I was sitting here thinking of all the things I could say to you to explain my long absence but then I realized Id be a big fat liar and that is not what blogging is about, not for me anyway. In truth I have just been lazy, well, lazy and busy. As most of you know my boyfriend proposed on Easter Sunday , here we are seven months later and we are rounding the corner to our wedding date. Even writing that makes me nervous. You see we have not had the "easiest " of relationships. If you've followed this blog you know we have broken up ,struggled to communicate and had issues with one anothers past. I wish I could say all that is gone and we are mounting our horses to ride off into the sunset, but I told you I am not a big fat liar.
   Apparently marriage is hard. That is part of what we learned at pre-canna last weekend. We heard from some amazing couples who have seen it and done it all. They guided us through the pitfalls of not communicating , of communicating too much, sex, money, pride and children. They were all amazing and I can say we really did learn something. However I felt there was one thing lacking in that weekend of informational bliss ,what about the nerves???!!?? I am left to believe no one is nervous before they join themselves to another for life, again a big fat lie. So I took to my trusty laptop to find the answers, I ordered books from amazon about marriage, prayer, being a groom, being a bride, and I got nothing. Nothing good that is, all I found were either horror stories or rosy tales of love and bliss. I find it hard to believe that it is so black and white.
       I want the truth, I want to hear the stories I can relate to. I need to know that you freaked out when you went wedding band shopping bc the experience was surreal or that not daily but occasionally the reality of it all  set in and maybe it made it hard to breath for a few beats. I do not want to hear how you left you're blushing bride at the altar or that bc you were nervous you and your boys had a little too much fun with a certain lady named ,Kandy at you bachelor party! I just want the real deal ! I want to know what it was like for other, practicing , in love, kinda scared couples! So I am calling on you blogging world, fill me in! What was your engagement period like, were you nervous, did you cry , did the thought of being Mr. or Mrs. make you gitty and scared all at once? Help a girl out, friends.

Be careful what you pray for?

I came across this news report, and although I am not sure how I feel about praying for money, I do find it funny that God would covert this man in this way...


http://www.christianpost.com/news/atheist-converts-after-mock-prayer-to-win-1m-lottery-is-answered-50600/

When your past haunts your future

It has been awhile since I last posted something here. I am sorry for the uncalled for leave of absents.
A lot has been changing in my world and like most of you would expect I am poorly coping with that change. I guess if you were reading anyone else's blog the news of their engagement would be happy news. Well you are not reading someone else blog you're reading mine and with most things in my life pain follows happiness. I feel like I am in the middle of a spiritual battle, one I was not prepared for. After our engagement all was well, we were happy and excited then the fear set in. Our we doing the right thing, is this God's will, what if we hate each other, what if he cant find more work. I was haunted with what if syndrome, something I hate with ever fiber of my being. All I wanted to do is scream , stomp my feet and yell at God like a child to her Father, THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!! However I thought that may be sending the wrong message, instead I prayed. I went to Mass, I said my rosary, I spent time in adoration. I repeated Jesus I trust in You over and over. Then the fear went away, for me at least. My partner is still wrapped in his fear looking for the exit. Should this scare me? I do not think so, here is why; I trust in God. Simple and matter of fact. I know He led me here, I feel Him urging me to keep going, just a little longer, to keep fighting. I recently came across the idea that when you are open to doing God's will the more you will be spiritually attacked. The closer you get to achieving God's will the more the evil things playing on your weakness will taunt you. I do not know what comes next but I do know I trust in Him and no matter what happens, I am loved.

When I do not feel like being Christian

I yelled at the cashier in Acme the other day. I was having a few rough days and for some reason prayer was not snapping me out of it like normal. The night before at our weekly prayer group I actually used the F word. What is wrong with me! That answer is not a short one and not really going to give us any break through. In short, I am a person. I am prone to moods that are less than desirable. It is all about how I choose to navigate through those moods that matter. Do I take the calm loving Jesus approach? Yes I should but I do not always. Sometimes I tell the cashier that if he is not going to do his job correctly he should find a new job. Sometimes I am short with my Aunt when there is no real reason to be. None of this makes me the worst person but none of it makes me a  better one either. I have put a lot of work into myself the past few years and in moments like I just mentioned all that work looses credibility.  As a Catholic Christian I am called to be like Jesus, no matter if the person next to me is rude or I have not slept. I am called to love them because He loves them. I have come to see this is one of my Lenten lessons. I need to be more charitable, loving, compassionate, flexible. I need to live the Gospel in yet another way, loving my neighbor. This has been a great Lent so far and I am grateful and happy to learn these lessons. I know I will be learning them for many many years, and most likely reviewing them in purgatory, but I am happy to do it, joyful even. I am so pleased to know that God still loves me, no matter how crabby I am, he still cares enough to remind me gently me, Love your neighbor as yourself.

All About the Solemnity of St. Joseph

Today is the Solemnity of St. Joseph, I tried to put into words how I feel about this amazing role model for all men, but alas I am at a loss. Instead I will insert a address for a site that gives a detailed account of his life. St. Joseph is , to me, one of the most humble, loving , kind men that ever walked this earth and I truly feel men and women can learn from him. Happy Feast Day!

http://www.churchyear.net/stjoseph

The eyes of the Lord

While getting dressed his morning I thought about the current state my life. Lent is two days away ,I am not ready, much like every year, however, I am looking foreword to it, a time of penance and prayer, but again I am not ready. I am not ready to give up sweets to pray more . I am selfish, hence why I need lent. I get so distracted with wanting things just the way I want them that I forget what God wants, or worst yet, I do not even ask Him. I wake up everyday with my own agenda powering through my day only thinking of me. This has gotten my nowhere and it took me awhile to see that. So even though I am stubborn and selfish I am going to welcome this lent. I am going to embrace this time of denial and usher in prayer and fasting. I am going to make a hardcore effort in these next 40 days to look at life through the eyes of the Lord and less through the eyes of a sinner.

To protect and serve

Recently I was speaking with a friend regarding baptism. She was expressing her confusion regarding her religious views and her dismay that her child is not baptized, if she even wants it, she is not sure how she  feels.... I sat wondering  about Our Lord's baptism  in the Jordan river, about my own and then finally about a friend of mine who was received into the church at 30 yrs of age. As I thought about the differences and similarities of all these baptisms I heard my friend warning her child about the dangers of the light socket, the danger of the staircase, the knifes in the dishwasher he managed to get open and start unloading. I thought to myself , to her , with  unclear beliefs that a baptism is no different than the loving warnings she was providing for her son right then. She would be protecting him spiritually, if in the end Christianity is right and if not, then no harm no foul, right? Well no, not really. Yes on paper fine, to the unsure  " spiritual not religious" person  a baptism is a safe bet, a net , a 401K of sorts. Yet to a Christian Catholic, a baptism is so much more. The Catholic Catechism says ;
ARTICLE 1 - THE SACRAMENT OF BAPTISM

1213 Holy Baptism is the basis of the whole Christian life, the gateway to life in the Spirit (vitae spiritualis ianua),[4] and the door which gives access to the other sacraments. Through Baptism we are freed from sin and reborn as sons of God; we become members of Christ, are incorporated into the Church and made sharers in her mission: "Baptism is the sacrament of regeneration through water in the word."[5]



In my heart when I read that it is something I desperately want to be apart of. Baptism is the door way, it leads me to be able to receive the other sacraments which will lead me to learn about my faith and then to practice it and continue to learn and grow. It will lead me to Jesus, somewhere I desperately want to be. I have heard the same old story a million times, I don't want to choose for my child , I want them to be free and figure it out for themselves. This argument annoys me. We protect our children from electric shock, falling down stairs, cutting themselves but we do not want to protect them  from the spiritual. It just doesn't  makes sense to me. What do you think friends?

The hated

This past Sunday morning was filled with sun, warmth for a change and good feelings. We were coming off of my boyfriends birthday , a wonderful night out with his family . We drove to St. Paul's church in Burlington, not our home parish but a good one at that. The readings referred to service, to evangelizing no matter what. The homily was beautiful, the priest told us how we need to pray for our brothers and sisters in the middle east. He informed us of some accounts that have happened in the past few months, men coming into a parish and opening fire on the priest and congregation ,simple bc they are Catholic ,killing many. He told us how hard these people are fighting for their faith, the same faith we share, he asked us to pray for them as well as do something if we are able. Then it was time for the consecration, the spirits of the faithful were high and we were all feeling very thankful for our lives here in America. The Communion hymn began to play, "Be not afraid " , then things changed. A man walked into the church, he made a direct line for the priest, marching up the altar and yelling at Father. Father kept his composure, as well as his senses and held Jesus in the Eucharist tightly to him. He did not stop Mass, the man yelled and screamed at the congregation how he hated all of us with a few choices words added in, then stormed out of the church. Father came down from the altar and we all stood in line, a little shell shocked , and went to receive Our Lord in Holy Communion. Thankfully the man did not return with any more hateful words or worse. But the whole experience left me shaking. Here we are not even 30 minutes after listening to Father tell us about our brothers and sisters who are being hated, attacked even killed an ocean away then suddenly we are feeling the hate right here in our sleepy little church on a side street in Burlington NJ. Our situation is nothing like what is happening in the middle east but it is startling, it is the kind of situation that calls us to live our faith even more and to learn our faith even more. My plea to all of you who read this is to please, hug your loved ones a little closer tonight, reach into that drawer and bring out those rosary's, clean off the dust and start to pray. Pray not only for our brothers and sisters around the world but for us right here at home. The priest who put their lives on the line to preach the truth and the people who live it everyday.

The lowly and the Strong

The following is the second reading from Mass last night, A letter from St. Paul:


Consider your own calling, brothers and sisters.

Not many of you were wise by human standards,
not many were powerful,
not many were of noble birth.
Rather, God chose the foolish of the world to shame the wise,
and God chose the weak of the world to shame the strong,
and God chose the lowly and despised of the world,
those who count for nothing,
to reduce to nothing those who are something,
so that no human being might boast before God.
It is due to him that you are in Christ Jesus,
who became for us wisdom from God,as well as righteousness, sanctification, and redemption,
so that, as it is written,“Whoever boasts, should boast in the Lord.”

As I sat in Mass and read the words to myself I was overcome with sadness, joy and gratitude. The lines,"God chose the foolish of the world to shame the wise,
and God chose the weak of the world to shame the strong,
and God chose the lowly and despised of the world,those who count for nothing,
to reduce to nothing those who are something,
so that no human being might boast before God."

made me think about myself and my relationship with my boyfriend.
As many of you know I was a wild child of sorts before my conversion to the Catholic faith. I ran with some crazy people, drank too much, did drugs, had little to no respect for myself or others, in short I was the lowly, the weak, the shame. Then I changed and within that time I fell in love with an amazing man. He is smart, funny, talented, loving and so much more. Sitting in Mass last night i realized just as I am the lowly, the shameful, the weak he is the strong, the wise, the something that St. Paul speaks about. As tears filled my eyes and that familiar tightness wrapped itself around my cheat I saw our relationship in a new light. I saw us both struggling to love God, to hear Him, to do what He is calling us to do and I saw us helping each other reach those goals. Pushing each other , loving each other, being brutally honest with each other all for the better of our souls. Even now I laugh that I thought I had it all figured out, I never know what God has planned and it is moments like last night in Mass  I am thankful for that. I am also thankful to have a Father who loves me and takes care of me without me even realizing it. I am also very thankful and grateful for my wonderful boyfriend. I am almost certain that my path to heaven will be lined with moments where he pushed me to be the best me I can be, and I will be eternally grateful.

Everlasting Love

What a idea.. Not really something I can wrap my brain around.. Sure I love my family , my friends my boyfriend but the thought of loving those people until the end of time is hard for me to grasp. I like to have a end date to things, I like the structure. I always envision the end of something before its beginning.. That's probably my father issues rearing their ugly head.  However that is a topic for another day as well as a expensive therapy session. Back to my original thought, Everlasting love;I was sitting in the adoration chapel this afternoon reading Bishop Sheen's book on Christ life , the first chapter talks about Christ's love for us. I have to admit reading it and being able to understand is like having a elephant sit on your chest. The pressure you then assume because you understand how much He loves you even without fully understanding is astronomical. I quickly closed the book and decided staring at the Eucharist and trying to talk to God was a better option.... This is where God's wonderful sense of humor comes in.. As I sat there talking, thinking, praying I had a song stuck in my head. To most this is not a big deal, it happens daily. The kicker here is what song.. I have not heard this song in months maybe even years but as I sat there looking up at God asking Him to help me figure my life out, be a better person, love more, help more, hear Him more, asking for the answer to how to do all those things all I could hear was "Stop right there!
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further!
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Do you love me!?
I gotta know right now
Before we go any further
Do you love me!?
Will you love me forever!?

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
I gotta know right now, Do you love me? Will you love me forever?"

Meatloaf streaming through my brain and the slight chuckle of God's laugh somewhere off in the back ground.....