The overwhelmingly rewarding job of Consoling the Heart of Jesus

A seminarian friend of mine recently saved my life. Not in the way you would think, I was not trapped in a car or in a burning building literally, but spiritual I was a mess. Spiritually I was in a car on fire in a building on fire under water drowning and again on fire. However God is merciful and he sent my friend to me in the nick of time. I was sitting in adoration not talking to God but having more of a childish arms crossed stare off with him when my friend entered.He gave me a soft knowing smile and handed me a very large book. It was a do it yourself retreat, inspired by the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius entitled,  Consoling the Heart of Jesus, http://thedivinemercy.org/chj/ I have to admit it was a bit funny that I was handed a do-it -yourself book considering I had been trying to "do it myself" and was not getting very far. The missing component just happened to be , Jesus. So, here I was " doing it myself" like so many of us do and forgetting to stop and ask Him for directions. Nevertheless, I received this book and opened it with a mix of emotions. I did not know where this retreat was going to take me, but I knew I needed a change somehow. I have not yet finished this retreat but I want to share something I read this morning in adoration with you all. I was surprised when I read this, shocked even. After reading it I got to my knees and begged for forgiveness that I did not even know I needed to ask for before these simple paragraphs."...Briefly there is a pause in the violence as the priest and elders discuss among themselves the best way to condemn Jesus to death. In the flickering light of torches you see the deep sorrow on the Lord's sullied face. As you contemplate his downcast countenance, his already closed eyelids suddenly tighten and his brown stiffens. A faint groan issues from his mouth, and it looks like he's about to fall over. You ask him what's the matter my Lord? What just happened? Without looking up , he whispers, My friend Peter just denied me three times. This brief meditation may help us to understand better the sensitivity of the Lord's Heart. For what wounds him most is, indeed, when those closest to him reject him and don't trust him. So what hurts the Lord most? Was it the nails that were driven into his wrist and feet? Or was it the sight through his supernatural vision of serious sins such as adultery and murder? Surely , seeing such sins would have pierced Jesus' Heart. It may come as a surprise , however, that such sins don't seem to be the ones that hurt him most. What hurts him most is the sin of distrust, that is, when people don't trust in his merciful love, especially when its those closest to him. That may sound strange at first. After all sins involving sex or violence tend to capture our attention most....." I hope this passage was as helpful to you as it was for me. I have spent so much time focusing on the sin and not on how it affect Jesus. I have over looked my distrust and rejection of him within my sins and that is something I never want to do again

Hell or High Water

I must have a hole somewhere in my brain where all the information concerning my faith slips out late at night like a teenage girl going to meet a boy. I know what I believe in and more importantly I believe what I believe in yet time and time again I push it off to the side tuck it all in a neat little cupboard and act as if I am someone else. Is this human nature? Or the bigger question I am just a self centered jerk? Both may be true. However it is not an excuse to do as I please, I have written time and time again on how I need to over come these things, be better then my best and actually follow what I believe in. Yet just as often I do the opposite and hurt my Father. I am tired of this hamster wheel! I am tired of feeling down and eating my emotions, gaining weight being too tired or depressed to pray, I am tired of crawling back to Him on my knees bloody and bruised asking forgiveness. How about do not do anything to be " I am sorry" for. I forget that my soul is much like my body and it too gets out of shape. I need to take it to the "gym" work it out and burn off a few bad things. I need to keep in my mind, that sin is like lard for the soul, it does nothing but slow it down and kill you. This is not rocket science I know all these things, and maybe it will be a life long struggle to keep my head above water, but the one thing that never changes is my will to do it. No matter how beaten bruised bloody and torn I am , I must fight this fight come hell or high water.

Your souls gone old and rusty

There is a line in one of my favorite songs it goes "Your souls gone old and rusty". I love this line and hate it all at once. I love it bc its smart and gives great visuals but I hate it bc its true. My soul has from time to time went old and rusty,like a spoon forgotten in the yard all summer . You stumble on it after the first big snow fall and are surprised by the familiar yet unexpected object. As many of you know I go in an out spiritually, the ability to stay focused on God and His love is not a strong suit of mine. Recently I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, I have known this person for maybe eight years. She was there when I did a lot of bad things and thought religion was nice and all but not for me. We have had a bumpy road bc of my conversion but we still chat now and again and maintain a friendship. Our conversation today was about drug use. My point is why do them? If you feel you will never live without some type of substance in your life then is that not a door way to a bigger problem ? Her response was that everyone has demons and a lot of times you form dependencies bc of them. I mentally posed the question of  is it demons or vices and is there a difference. However at this point the conversation ended maybe bc we both knew if it went on we would have another bumpy patch of hurt feelings and judgements that neither of us wanted. But my question remained swirling in my head. I then drew the line from that conversation to my own current spiritual state. To insure I do not let those old demons of my own come back in to trash my soul and push me into a darker place I need to do some maintenance. I need to get into adoration and keep fighting the fight. I truly believe God made me for a reason even if it's just to love Him daily.  I want to draw a clear line among having demons and the demons having me. Because at the end of the day we all have them, and they are there ready and waiting to come into our minds and souls and get comfy the question is can you face them? Are you ready to do the work needed to over come them and if not ,why?