Time

"Who says I cant take time, rewrite my history Who says I cant take time." This song lyric has been stuck in my head for a few days now.. I started thinking about the situation I am in and the purpose of time. God does not know time, it is a man made thing. So why is He calling me to put time in my life? I kept getting stuck on time. 40 days, 2 months, a year.. But then I realized time does not matter. He isn't concerned about the time, He is concerned about the work I am doing.. Am I actively working to be closer to Him, to love Him more , devote my life to Him? These thoughts refreshed me, pulled me out of the pit I was in.. It is not about time at all, it is about how much we love. Love my friends is the key. Love is what He came here to share with us, love for us is why He came in the first place. He loves us so much that He gave His life, are we willing to do the same? Throw down everything else, come to Him and start fresh. He will clean away the slate and embrace you bc He is love.

The keeper .

I am not God. I am not even close to it. I have so many flaws and imperfections but I also have the hope and prayer that I will get to go to heaven one day and all that will go away. I will be able to spend my time in consist adoration of my King. So I am 13 days into my 40 day sentence. I am a wimp as I noted in my last post. How did Jesus do this? How did He literally sit in the desert with Satan by his side and fast, pray and rebuke him? Because he is God. That's the only answer I can come up with. He is God and yet He is man and it was hard but nothing compared to what He had to go through in His passion. I am not divine, None of us are. We are sad little specks floating around trying to do the best we can. I feel like my best isn't good enough sometimes. I want to cut out my heart and hand it over to Our Lord and say Here you take it, I am done. But that is not going to happen, I can give Him my heart and soul to live in daily but I need to be open and let Him in. Words mean little, actions mean it all. God doesn't just want us to come and yes Him to death, He wants us to spring into action. Take charge and follow Him. Pick up your cross my children. While praying in adoration last night I think God spoke to me about my garden.. " The garden of Eden has not disappeared my love it has grown, are you not apart of my garden? Are not all souls mine for I created them? You say you want me to be the keeper of your heart , to come in and clear away the brush, plant the flowers of love, peace, charity and oneness yet you do not open the gate for Me. Open your gate my little girl so I may do My work." I realize He gave us free will. It is up to me to welcome Him in not just in word but in deed.

Cry baby Cry

" Remember , Shannon the Holy Spirit will give you highs and lows. Your lows will be just as intense as your highs." This is what Father Ronan said to me last Friday. When he said it, I listened but not until tonight did I understand. I am low. Low low low. This weekend was a grace a gift from the Holy Spirit, I finished my novena to Him and on that 9Th day my ex and I had dinner, we spoke for a long time, we prayed together and agreed that God is calling us both to 40 days of prayer and fasting in the desert, we need to stay apart and pray but we are in love and that love is a gift from God. Then today came, the shine of the weekend and those graces wore off. I now am tired and hungry from fasting and feel like a baby for feeling like a baby. I know this is a low, a test from my King I need to suck it up. I need to pray more and trust. I am the biggest pusher of trust. I tell everyone they need to trust God but when I have to do it I am a little baby curled up in her Father's arms crying. Emotions are so silly. Missing someone can feel like a knife. Loneliness can be a guillotine . Well I cant feel this way, I cant sit around crying because I miss him, I need to embrace this suffering and offer it up for God's will, have faith and keep going. God is putting all these pieces together as I whine about them I could be a tad more helpful and stop getting in His way. I am grateful ,don't get me wrong. I know God is working and loves me, very much. I am grateful He gave me the gift of this blog letting me write and get all these feelings out even if I run the risk of sounding like a spoiled brat.

The right place, the Right time..

Have you ever gotten that feeling like you were in the right place in your life at the exact right time? I have had that a lot these past few weeks. I think I was starting to steer my life into a place God didn't want it to go, so being the loving, kind ,gentle ,caring Lord that He is , He took the wheel back and put me on course. I think we all need that every now and again. I think about the little girl that I care for and how sometimes when we are practicing writing she needs me to put my hand over hers and guide her, its not that she is doing it wrong, she just needs a little help. I picture God doing that with my life. He takes His loving fatherly hand and just guides me to where I need to be. I sometimes forget that I know nothing. I forget that He is the one calling the shots and running this show and all I need to do is show up, really care and be willing to listen and let Him do what He does best, love me. It really blows my mind when I think of how much He loves us. I am so unworthy of that love yet it is given to me no matter what. Recently I feel God is calling me to come out into the desert with Him for 40 days. This may sound scary considering what happened to Jesus in His 40 days but I am not scared at all. I know I have Jesus and Mary with me not to mention the Holy Spirit. So what will this 40 days consist of? I have no idea. Only God knows that, I am not even going to try and guess. I feel like He is showing me patience and understanding, love and above all trust. He will take care of me, I do not need to worry about that. Trust is a big idea for us humans, our emotions make it hard sometimes but it truly is the key to salvation. So here I am in the desert.. the devil is near by speaking in my ear but I am not afraid. I am listening to my Kings soft loving voice, fasting as He has told me and learning lessons that are hard but needed for my state in life. I feel blessed to be in this time with Him and I can not wait to see , feel and understand the great plans He has for me. I want to share something He said to me while I was in adoration praying on Sunday;" Come to Me battered and bruised and I will clean your wounds, come to me tired and hungry and I will feed you and give you rest, trust in Me my child let me be the keeper of your heart. My love for you is strong, it will cleanse those wounds on your soul. Love Me greatly, be willing to give it all up for me and I will reward you in My kingdom."

I will take these words and with the Holy Spirit get through this time of suffering only to rejoice in the arms of my Love.

The Holy Spirit

I love the Holy Spirit.. He is love.. The love between the Father and the Son gives us this amazing tender Spirit.. I feel so ungrateful to receive all of His love. I have been praying for His intercession in my life. His 7 gifts; wisdom, understanding counsel, fortitude,knowledge , piety and fear of the Lord. These are the things I crave. I want to have the wisdom to hear God and the understanding to follow His will the counsel with the Spirit to help others, the fortitude to keep up this fight of the faith the knowledge to embrace the faith and all my crosses I want to have piety and fear of my King. I want the Holy Spirit to wrap around me, fill my heart to the point of it bursting. I feel God is doing great work in me right now I am hopeful and excited to give God my soul and heart to dwell in. I don't know what is going to happen in the end but I do know how I feel and I will keep praying with The Holy Spirit that I follow Gods will and have strength. So, Come Holy Spirit come through the intersession of the Immaculate heart of Mary, you well beloved Spouse.

The fight

As most of you know I recently broke up with my boyfriend , this has been a hard time for me, I love him very much. However I also feel that this break up is a grace, I feel it is God's will for him and I to be together but God has to do some major work on us separately first. With that said, I have been getting a lot of flack about this. People very close to me are telling me to give up the fight , to just walk away and never look back.. This hurts me. When did it be okay to throw in the towel? When did someone elses dream of a vocation be mine? Never that's when. I do not work that way and I am sorry I never will.. I believe in standing up for what you believe in and fighting til the death. God put this love in my heart but he never said it was going to be easy. Loving my boyfriend is in a way like loving God. I see the God in him and I embrace that , I also feel God is calling us to be one but no one can know that but me , God and him. I am so so so so so tired of other people and what they think I should do and what he should do! Do people realize it is not their life? This is our choice with God! The only way we are going to be able to use this time apart well is if we go to Him in adoration , in prayer through our priest and discern. We will not get through this if we listen to all the nah- Sayers who tell us, ' I don't think God wants you two together, why don't you be a priest OR a nun ." There are more ways to love and praise God then be in a religious vocation. God brought him and I together, He filled our hearts with love and grace and we cut him out of the deal bc we were listening to everyone else. Well I am done with that I am asking, praying , begging God to come back into this to guide us and lead us to His will not ours and not others. I cant say for sure what is going to happen with my ex and I but I do know God will be the only one telling me what to do. I will fight to the death for my faith and for my love bc with God they are the same thing.

Grace does not come cheap...

Our Lord came and made one simple statement; "I want all of you."I have not come to torment you, I have come to kill that version of you and give you a new self, Myself. My will , will become yours. St. Peter loved our Lord, he loved so much that he was willing to walk over the water and he could have bc when you have faith the impossible will be done. Yet, Peter took his eyes off Our Lord, he let the world and his doubt get to him and he started to sink. Our Lord had to reach out His hand and help him. Isn't that us? Don't we take our eyes off Our Lord and we feel ourselves start to sink. Maybe we don't scream out for help so God lets us drowned awhile or maybe we see the error of our ways and He brings us back to the boat. No matter what, we are no different from St. Peter. Our Lord came to heal us , He loves us so and wants us to be with Him in the kingdom, yet He had to go all the way. Shouldn't we? Jesus came, and died but there was the resurrection! Did we forget that? He had to die to be reborn! Why shouldn't we?? I want to die to myself, let go of the person I am bc I know God will let me rise and He will fill me up with a new self, a self that is one with His will! That is what I want. That is what I crave. I have said many times " I want nothing but Gods will" when in secret I have wanted mine, I see now how wrong I was. I see now what God is calling me too, Him. He wants me to love , be loved share the faith, go forward as Him. I want to take off this old cloak and slip on the robe of Our Lord, I pray you let me dear Father. I know one sure way to start that process, the rosary. I must pray it every day! I can not skip it or forget it like I have before. I must go to Our Lord in adoration daily, pray my rosary and above all have faith. Jesus and the Holy Trinity love me, they want the best... I just need to believe that .

I dont want to give up the fight,

Intuition. That feeling in your gut that tells you yes or no. Mine has never ever let me down. I have been in many different situations and I have had that feeling kick in and I've always been lead to a place I was okay with , felt good about even. So what do I do now when my feeling is telling me, this isn't right? My gut is saying God wants you two together and we all know that. I feel crazy, like my heart, mind and body have entered a boxing match with one another. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and I get the same answer but he doesn't. He says I am in love with you, I just don't think its Gods will. It is my word against his. This is the worst situation I have ever been in and Ive been in crack houses in Trenton. Everything in my body says this isn't right and I have to fight that, I have to ignore it. I can offer all this pain up and I am but does it ease the pain? No way. I can be in adoration daily and I am but is it taking away this sting? Nope. God is telling me "you are right , Shannon but can do nothing about it". My hands are tied. I have no say in this, I have been kicked out of a moving car and I am left to try and find my way home. Now granted I have God. He is right here with me, holding my hand and telling me to breath and that should be enough but I am a greedy human and I want my ex back. I want to fix this mess, I want to say" THIS ISN'T RIGHT!" I want to do this the right way Bc a love like this doesn't just come around then go, God gave us this for a reason and we need to listen to Him and TRUST. But I cant say those things, I cant do anything. All I can do is hurt, pray and hurt some more. I don't know if I will ever be okay with this, I don't feel things are going to get better, there is always going to be a hole in my heart I am always going to feel like someone cut off my arms as long as I don't have him. No amount of advice is going to get me through this. I truly feel our parents and friends were the main cause of this break up. Everyone had a opinion and I think he lost his in all the noise. I want everyone to shut up, I want our mothers to go away I want our friends to stop saying it will be okay, I want to stand up for what God gave us and follow what is in my heart! I want to scream from the roof tops I love you and I know you love me and with God we can do this. But I have no roof top and if I did I am not to sure my friends would let me on it. All I have is this blog and Our Lord and for now and maybe ever that has to be enough.

Respect the Process

"Shannon, I am telling you , just respect the process." My week started out with these words. I was plunged into respecting something I didn't and supporting something I didn't agree with. However I was told to respect it. Ugh how in the world are we supposed to do that? I know God has a bigger plan, I understand that God wants what is best for me and He knows what it is and I don't, But that doesn't make things easier. I am still a person ,a woman at that and I have to grieve and feel pain. Am I respecting God by walking around like a empty shell? I think not.I think God is calling me to trust and have faith. I know God has a plan and although I have no idea what that is I have to keep going. I have to look forward and even if all I see is a black hole I have to jump into it. This is what happens to everyone and the situation doesn't matter its all the same.. We are all called to blindly walk into Gods loving arms. No matter if it is over a death of a loved one, a car accident that has left you in the hospital, loosing a job or dealing with the loss of the love of your life it is all the same , keep moving. Trust that God has a plan and no matter what your going to be okay. I know better than anyone that its hard , I at the moment have no control over my emotions, I am being pushed into moments of sobbing crying , throwing up, empty thoughts and memories but that will pass. I will be able to control the emotions one day but until then I need to respect the process and remember , he didn't take the tabernacle key with him, Jesus still loves me, He is still in a relationship with me and He is waiting to comfort me.

He and I

Here is a quote from a book I came across last year, He and I. It is the diary of Blessed Gabrielle Bossis from the years of 1936-1950. She claims Our Lord spoke to her and she was told by Him to write it all out for us to read. Here is a excerpt I love:

{July 25th 1946} '...Accept everything from Me, child, as a faithful and docile instrument, ready to echo it all to the whole world with ardent longing for My glory. You often ask that My kingdom may come. Aren't you happy if you can contribute to the coming of this kingdom? This is why you need to be holy- to increase My glory. Think about this. Believe in the effectiveness of your work as part of the universal work of the saints. Think of the living stone that you are adding to those spiritual houses-this stone that no one else but you is called upon to place in just this same position. This ought to encourage you to make efforts of every kind. Some of them remain a secret between you and Me, and aren't they the most charming because if this intimacy?
Above all, don't ever grow weary of our intimacy . Vary. Improvise. Perfect. Increase. Call upon the Spirit of Love to help you. Ask my Mother to show you -she who never left me. Even when you feel good for nothing, give Me nothing. Didn't I create with nothing? All I ask of you is the will to give yourself to Me at all times, in cloud or sunshine. All Ill take you into the Upper Room of My servants and My friends."