New year, New you?

I woke up this morning thinking about the new year. New things make me nervous. I am starting a new job on Monday and I already want to back out, so will this new year be any different? I am a big advocate of the power of our own mind, I think we as people can change how we feel about something, everyone is capable of change , we just have to believe it. So can I change my old ways in this new year? Can I be the confident girlfriend, the helpful daughter, the skilled new employee? If I follow my own advise I can, I can do , be and feel anyway I want but how much of what I spout about is fluff and how much is real? When the time is up , can I follow my own advice? I guess it all comes down to belief. Believing in myself and in God, that He will never steer my wrong since I believe.

Merry Christmas

Christmas season is almost over. We have but a few more days to soak in this Spirit. I never really enjoyed it as a child it was all about the gifts on the one day but now that I am older and understand the true meaning of Christmas I want to drink up every drop. The hardest part is over, family , gifts, dinners, the stress is over and I am very thankful that we have these days to refocus if we have lost the sight of Our Father. I wish I prepared a little more for Christmas but because our Lord loves us He always gives us more time, a second chance and when needed a third. So Merry Christmas and happy new year! I pray everyone finds new reasons to push forward reach higher and love more.

O come all Yee Faithful!

Christmas time is here again, This year it snuck up on me. I was consumed with things of my own life and failed to realize that Our Saviors birth was right around the corner. Maybe I just ignored it on purpose, Christmas seems to always be the time for self examination. Either we visit family and get the " why aren't you married yet" question or we are absorbed with our own life's and have to look at all we have accomplished in the last year. As most of you who read this know I have been doing that self exploration thing these past few months and really the past two years. However this Christmas is different for me, I am not upset for once, I am not sad that I did not accomplish anything, In fact I have done a lot this year. I am proud of all I have been though BC I feel like it was all organic, from God and lead by Him. Sure I put my hands in the mix a little too much but He was the one making the cake. So as this last week of Advent is here and we get out our best dresses and hats I am over joyed to start a new year in my life, because now I see, it is not just my life, it is His life too and that is the best gift of all!

Day to Day

What does God want me to do in my life? What is all of this for? I know that as a Christian I am supposed to follow Him, obey the commandments and do my best to listen to Him. But what if I am not good at that? What about when I fall and I break a commandment? As Catholics we have confession, if we put ourselves into mortal sin we should receive the sacrament of confession to once again connect us with God. But what if I still feel empty after? Does the connection we have with Our Father always have to be pulsing beneath our skin? Or like Mother Theresa can we feel hollow and empty, being called to a harder road of just trusting Him? At 24 years old I don't have the answers, I barely keep my head above water in this spiritual flood and I expect that I will feel this way for many more years, at least until I come face to face with The Father. So with all that said how do I deal from day to day? How to I push the empty feelings aside and focus on my pray life and build my relationship of faith? It is often when we do not want to pray that we should, those are the times of great trust and connection with the Holy Family. As hard as it is, I will propel myself forward and with grace into His loving arms.

The perfect family

It is almost Christmas. I used to get so excited about this time of year. The first snow fall, the smell of ginger bread, Christmas morning. I am still excited but for different reason. I understand the season better now so I can enjoy it differently. I have always had these romantic images of what Christmas would be like if I were married and had children. I was telling these thoughts to my friend the other night when I realized that my thoughts and dreams go deeper then just a pretty picture. I always imagined being at home baking cookies with a curly haired little girl while my husband and son went out in search of the perfect tree. My daughter and I would talk about what we hoped the tree would look like all along knowing that the men we love would bring us home perfection bc we trust them. I will trust in my husband with every choice bc I know he is listening to The Father. My little picture perfect world is actually not about Christmas tree's and cookie making at all. It is about the deeper bond between us and God. Its is knowing that He will never steer us wrong. He will provide for us in time of need of Christmas tree's or in the time of need of a job to support our family. He loves us so much that during this season He sent His only Son. He makes sure we are taken care of in all ways, all we have to do is trust in Him. Move froward with our life's bc we know He will be waiting.

Time

"Who says I cant take time, rewrite my history Who says I cant take time." This song lyric has been stuck in my head for a few days now.. I started thinking about the situation I am in and the purpose of time. God does not know time, it is a man made thing. So why is He calling me to put time in my life? I kept getting stuck on time. 40 days, 2 months, a year.. But then I realized time does not matter. He isn't concerned about the time, He is concerned about the work I am doing.. Am I actively working to be closer to Him, to love Him more , devote my life to Him? These thoughts refreshed me, pulled me out of the pit I was in.. It is not about time at all, it is about how much we love. Love my friends is the key. Love is what He came here to share with us, love for us is why He came in the first place. He loves us so much that He gave His life, are we willing to do the same? Throw down everything else, come to Him and start fresh. He will clean away the slate and embrace you bc He is love.

The keeper .

I am not God. I am not even close to it. I have so many flaws and imperfections but I also have the hope and prayer that I will get to go to heaven one day and all that will go away. I will be able to spend my time in consist adoration of my King. So I am 13 days into my 40 day sentence. I am a wimp as I noted in my last post. How did Jesus do this? How did He literally sit in the desert with Satan by his side and fast, pray and rebuke him? Because he is God. That's the only answer I can come up with. He is God and yet He is man and it was hard but nothing compared to what He had to go through in His passion. I am not divine, None of us are. We are sad little specks floating around trying to do the best we can. I feel like my best isn't good enough sometimes. I want to cut out my heart and hand it over to Our Lord and say Here you take it, I am done. But that is not going to happen, I can give Him my heart and soul to live in daily but I need to be open and let Him in. Words mean little, actions mean it all. God doesn't just want us to come and yes Him to death, He wants us to spring into action. Take charge and follow Him. Pick up your cross my children. While praying in adoration last night I think God spoke to me about my garden.. " The garden of Eden has not disappeared my love it has grown, are you not apart of my garden? Are not all souls mine for I created them? You say you want me to be the keeper of your heart , to come in and clear away the brush, plant the flowers of love, peace, charity and oneness yet you do not open the gate for Me. Open your gate my little girl so I may do My work." I realize He gave us free will. It is up to me to welcome Him in not just in word but in deed.

Cry baby Cry

" Remember , Shannon the Holy Spirit will give you highs and lows. Your lows will be just as intense as your highs." This is what Father Ronan said to me last Friday. When he said it, I listened but not until tonight did I understand. I am low. Low low low. This weekend was a grace a gift from the Holy Spirit, I finished my novena to Him and on that 9Th day my ex and I had dinner, we spoke for a long time, we prayed together and agreed that God is calling us both to 40 days of prayer and fasting in the desert, we need to stay apart and pray but we are in love and that love is a gift from God. Then today came, the shine of the weekend and those graces wore off. I now am tired and hungry from fasting and feel like a baby for feeling like a baby. I know this is a low, a test from my King I need to suck it up. I need to pray more and trust. I am the biggest pusher of trust. I tell everyone they need to trust God but when I have to do it I am a little baby curled up in her Father's arms crying. Emotions are so silly. Missing someone can feel like a knife. Loneliness can be a guillotine . Well I cant feel this way, I cant sit around crying because I miss him, I need to embrace this suffering and offer it up for God's will, have faith and keep going. God is putting all these pieces together as I whine about them I could be a tad more helpful and stop getting in His way. I am grateful ,don't get me wrong. I know God is working and loves me, very much. I am grateful He gave me the gift of this blog letting me write and get all these feelings out even if I run the risk of sounding like a spoiled brat.

The right place, the Right time..

Have you ever gotten that feeling like you were in the right place in your life at the exact right time? I have had that a lot these past few weeks. I think I was starting to steer my life into a place God didn't want it to go, so being the loving, kind ,gentle ,caring Lord that He is , He took the wheel back and put me on course. I think we all need that every now and again. I think about the little girl that I care for and how sometimes when we are practicing writing she needs me to put my hand over hers and guide her, its not that she is doing it wrong, she just needs a little help. I picture God doing that with my life. He takes His loving fatherly hand and just guides me to where I need to be. I sometimes forget that I know nothing. I forget that He is the one calling the shots and running this show and all I need to do is show up, really care and be willing to listen and let Him do what He does best, love me. It really blows my mind when I think of how much He loves us. I am so unworthy of that love yet it is given to me no matter what. Recently I feel God is calling me to come out into the desert with Him for 40 days. This may sound scary considering what happened to Jesus in His 40 days but I am not scared at all. I know I have Jesus and Mary with me not to mention the Holy Spirit. So what will this 40 days consist of? I have no idea. Only God knows that, I am not even going to try and guess. I feel like He is showing me patience and understanding, love and above all trust. He will take care of me, I do not need to worry about that. Trust is a big idea for us humans, our emotions make it hard sometimes but it truly is the key to salvation. So here I am in the desert.. the devil is near by speaking in my ear but I am not afraid. I am listening to my Kings soft loving voice, fasting as He has told me and learning lessons that are hard but needed for my state in life. I feel blessed to be in this time with Him and I can not wait to see , feel and understand the great plans He has for me. I want to share something He said to me while I was in adoration praying on Sunday;" Come to Me battered and bruised and I will clean your wounds, come to me tired and hungry and I will feed you and give you rest, trust in Me my child let me be the keeper of your heart. My love for you is strong, it will cleanse those wounds on your soul. Love Me greatly, be willing to give it all up for me and I will reward you in My kingdom."

I will take these words and with the Holy Spirit get through this time of suffering only to rejoice in the arms of my Love.

The Holy Spirit

I love the Holy Spirit.. He is love.. The love between the Father and the Son gives us this amazing tender Spirit.. I feel so ungrateful to receive all of His love. I have been praying for His intercession in my life. His 7 gifts; wisdom, understanding counsel, fortitude,knowledge , piety and fear of the Lord. These are the things I crave. I want to have the wisdom to hear God and the understanding to follow His will the counsel with the Spirit to help others, the fortitude to keep up this fight of the faith the knowledge to embrace the faith and all my crosses I want to have piety and fear of my King. I want the Holy Spirit to wrap around me, fill my heart to the point of it bursting. I feel God is doing great work in me right now I am hopeful and excited to give God my soul and heart to dwell in. I don't know what is going to happen in the end but I do know how I feel and I will keep praying with The Holy Spirit that I follow Gods will and have strength. So, Come Holy Spirit come through the intersession of the Immaculate heart of Mary, you well beloved Spouse.

The fight

As most of you know I recently broke up with my boyfriend , this has been a hard time for me, I love him very much. However I also feel that this break up is a grace, I feel it is God's will for him and I to be together but God has to do some major work on us separately first. With that said, I have been getting a lot of flack about this. People very close to me are telling me to give up the fight , to just walk away and never look back.. This hurts me. When did it be okay to throw in the towel? When did someone elses dream of a vocation be mine? Never that's when. I do not work that way and I am sorry I never will.. I believe in standing up for what you believe in and fighting til the death. God put this love in my heart but he never said it was going to be easy. Loving my boyfriend is in a way like loving God. I see the God in him and I embrace that , I also feel God is calling us to be one but no one can know that but me , God and him. I am so so so so so tired of other people and what they think I should do and what he should do! Do people realize it is not their life? This is our choice with God! The only way we are going to be able to use this time apart well is if we go to Him in adoration , in prayer through our priest and discern. We will not get through this if we listen to all the nah- Sayers who tell us, ' I don't think God wants you two together, why don't you be a priest OR a nun ." There are more ways to love and praise God then be in a religious vocation. God brought him and I together, He filled our hearts with love and grace and we cut him out of the deal bc we were listening to everyone else. Well I am done with that I am asking, praying , begging God to come back into this to guide us and lead us to His will not ours and not others. I cant say for sure what is going to happen with my ex and I but I do know God will be the only one telling me what to do. I will fight to the death for my faith and for my love bc with God they are the same thing.

Grace does not come cheap...

Our Lord came and made one simple statement; "I want all of you."I have not come to torment you, I have come to kill that version of you and give you a new self, Myself. My will , will become yours. St. Peter loved our Lord, he loved so much that he was willing to walk over the water and he could have bc when you have faith the impossible will be done. Yet, Peter took his eyes off Our Lord, he let the world and his doubt get to him and he started to sink. Our Lord had to reach out His hand and help him. Isn't that us? Don't we take our eyes off Our Lord and we feel ourselves start to sink. Maybe we don't scream out for help so God lets us drowned awhile or maybe we see the error of our ways and He brings us back to the boat. No matter what, we are no different from St. Peter. Our Lord came to heal us , He loves us so and wants us to be with Him in the kingdom, yet He had to go all the way. Shouldn't we? Jesus came, and died but there was the resurrection! Did we forget that? He had to die to be reborn! Why shouldn't we?? I want to die to myself, let go of the person I am bc I know God will let me rise and He will fill me up with a new self, a self that is one with His will! That is what I want. That is what I crave. I have said many times " I want nothing but Gods will" when in secret I have wanted mine, I see now how wrong I was. I see now what God is calling me too, Him. He wants me to love , be loved share the faith, go forward as Him. I want to take off this old cloak and slip on the robe of Our Lord, I pray you let me dear Father. I know one sure way to start that process, the rosary. I must pray it every day! I can not skip it or forget it like I have before. I must go to Our Lord in adoration daily, pray my rosary and above all have faith. Jesus and the Holy Trinity love me, they want the best... I just need to believe that .

I dont want to give up the fight,

Intuition. That feeling in your gut that tells you yes or no. Mine has never ever let me down. I have been in many different situations and I have had that feeling kick in and I've always been lead to a place I was okay with , felt good about even. So what do I do now when my feeling is telling me, this isn't right? My gut is saying God wants you two together and we all know that. I feel crazy, like my heart, mind and body have entered a boxing match with one another. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and I get the same answer but he doesn't. He says I am in love with you, I just don't think its Gods will. It is my word against his. This is the worst situation I have ever been in and Ive been in crack houses in Trenton. Everything in my body says this isn't right and I have to fight that, I have to ignore it. I can offer all this pain up and I am but does it ease the pain? No way. I can be in adoration daily and I am but is it taking away this sting? Nope. God is telling me "you are right , Shannon but can do nothing about it". My hands are tied. I have no say in this, I have been kicked out of a moving car and I am left to try and find my way home. Now granted I have God. He is right here with me, holding my hand and telling me to breath and that should be enough but I am a greedy human and I want my ex back. I want to fix this mess, I want to say" THIS ISN'T RIGHT!" I want to do this the right way Bc a love like this doesn't just come around then go, God gave us this for a reason and we need to listen to Him and TRUST. But I cant say those things, I cant do anything. All I can do is hurt, pray and hurt some more. I don't know if I will ever be okay with this, I don't feel things are going to get better, there is always going to be a hole in my heart I am always going to feel like someone cut off my arms as long as I don't have him. No amount of advice is going to get me through this. I truly feel our parents and friends were the main cause of this break up. Everyone had a opinion and I think he lost his in all the noise. I want everyone to shut up, I want our mothers to go away I want our friends to stop saying it will be okay, I want to stand up for what God gave us and follow what is in my heart! I want to scream from the roof tops I love you and I know you love me and with God we can do this. But I have no roof top and if I did I am not to sure my friends would let me on it. All I have is this blog and Our Lord and for now and maybe ever that has to be enough.

Respect the Process

"Shannon, I am telling you , just respect the process." My week started out with these words. I was plunged into respecting something I didn't and supporting something I didn't agree with. However I was told to respect it. Ugh how in the world are we supposed to do that? I know God has a bigger plan, I understand that God wants what is best for me and He knows what it is and I don't, But that doesn't make things easier. I am still a person ,a woman at that and I have to grieve and feel pain. Am I respecting God by walking around like a empty shell? I think not.I think God is calling me to trust and have faith. I know God has a plan and although I have no idea what that is I have to keep going. I have to look forward and even if all I see is a black hole I have to jump into it. This is what happens to everyone and the situation doesn't matter its all the same.. We are all called to blindly walk into Gods loving arms. No matter if it is over a death of a loved one, a car accident that has left you in the hospital, loosing a job or dealing with the loss of the love of your life it is all the same , keep moving. Trust that God has a plan and no matter what your going to be okay. I know better than anyone that its hard , I at the moment have no control over my emotions, I am being pushed into moments of sobbing crying , throwing up, empty thoughts and memories but that will pass. I will be able to control the emotions one day but until then I need to respect the process and remember , he didn't take the tabernacle key with him, Jesus still loves me, He is still in a relationship with me and He is waiting to comfort me.

He and I

Here is a quote from a book I came across last year, He and I. It is the diary of Blessed Gabrielle Bossis from the years of 1936-1950. She claims Our Lord spoke to her and she was told by Him to write it all out for us to read. Here is a excerpt I love:

{July 25th 1946} '...Accept everything from Me, child, as a faithful and docile instrument, ready to echo it all to the whole world with ardent longing for My glory. You often ask that My kingdom may come. Aren't you happy if you can contribute to the coming of this kingdom? This is why you need to be holy- to increase My glory. Think about this. Believe in the effectiveness of your work as part of the universal work of the saints. Think of the living stone that you are adding to those spiritual houses-this stone that no one else but you is called upon to place in just this same position. This ought to encourage you to make efforts of every kind. Some of them remain a secret between you and Me, and aren't they the most charming because if this intimacy?
Above all, don't ever grow weary of our intimacy . Vary. Improvise. Perfect. Increase. Call upon the Spirit of Love to help you. Ask my Mother to show you -she who never left me. Even when you feel good for nothing, give Me nothing. Didn't I create with nothing? All I ask of you is the will to give yourself to Me at all times, in cloud or sunshine. All Ill take you into the Upper Room of My servants and My friends."

one of those days...

So today was just one of those days.. The kind of day where I am happy to be alive but wish God didn't think of me as such a close friend.. Mother Teresa said that those who have great suffering are Gods closest friends.lucky them! The day started at 4am when Maggie came in my bed crying bc she missed mom and didn't feel well. It then moved quickly to 530am when Chris needed his bottle for the morning and Lucy and Steve thought it was time to get up..next came breakfast where Steve wouldn't eat anything bc he "didn't want to". From 7am til noon I cleaned. For those of you who don't know I am staying at my parents house til Saturday with all 5 kids bc they went on vacation.
The rest of the day was full of fights with Brian about how to make a hot dog or when to clean his room..all in all I can see why my parents wanted a vacation. Its now 6 pm, everyone has been fed the house is clean and I even made some cupcakes. I admire the mothers who do this daily I hope to be one , one day. Until that day comes I will enjoy my days off by going to the gym and sleeping in :-)

Homesick

My Uncle Clyde passed away this morning , he has been been very sick for the past few months. He is leaving behind his wife , kids, dogs a full life. This got me thinking about being homesick. As a Catholic Christian I believe that heaven is my true home, where I belong one day. I am homesick for heaven all the time. I want nothing more than to be with Our Lord and serve. I wonder if Clyde will get to go "home" now. He did not have any religious beliefs that I know of, so does he get to see and rejoice in the heaven I dream of daily? I think so. I know that God is loving and merciful, He wants us all to be with Him so even if one of His children has gone away from Him, he still loves them and wants to welcome them into the Kingdom..I will miss my Uncle, he was a funny, bright, loving man and his passing is sad in the view of emotion but I am also so happy for him. He gets to go home, he gets to finally be at peace. I am jealous of this great grace and gift he has been given, for there is no better feeling then going home.

The little things

Recently I have been thinking about Fatima.. I turned on the radio as I do every morning while I clean the kitchen in the home I work for, today Father Corapi was on talking about , guess what> FATIMA! If any of you have ever heard Father Corapi you understand why I turned him up louder and listened in hard. For those of you who have not heard him I suggest you do http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhAyEZR4gUk. His conversion story really hits home with me.. Anyway, I was listening to him talk about prayer and penance and how the message of Fatima was just that. Offer everything up daily until the day you die for Our Lord. The state of the world has only gotten worse since Fatima , it makes me wonder about how we as Christan's are approaching Our Lord as well as our faith. I often find myself not wanting to offer things up, like I have spoken about in previous blogs , I get angry and selfish. I throw those opportunity's away. I ignore the fact that I could have given that little thing to God and gained some much needed grace. Father Corapi told a story about having to take out the trash during a snow storm, he didn't want to do it, but his grandmother said 'offer it up'. I think we have all lost that approach. The dishes sit in the sink for a days, the clean laundry stays stacked at the end of our bed , the bathroom isn't clean once again. All these things are chances for us to offer it up. I am reminded of a story; Mother Theresa went to visit a new convent that was opening, she walked into the bathroom and a smile broke out on her face the sister with her asked " Mother why are you so happy?" Mother replied"Because I see the sister who cleaned this bathroom loved the Lord very much, look how clean this floor is". This is a great example of offering it up, doing something we hate for the greater good. This is something I strive for day in and day out, probably, hopefully til I die.

The Virture

Patience. A virtue I don't really have. I seem to obtain this in waves, I have it while at work with the kids all day or I have it while in a 3 hours meeting but when I need it most it fails to appear. I do not have it with my family by any means, everything they say or do drives me up a wall. I am sure some of that is normal growing pains of having a big family but a lot of it is just me, being annoyed. I also loose my view of patience with my relationship. I want what I want and I want it now. Now of course I am not talking about dinner at a nice restaurant or a new necklace I am talking about marriage, I don't want to wait any longer so I vocalize that and then the stress comes rolling in. All of these things I am bad with, my all or nothing line kicks in and I find myself stuck between a bullet and a target, somewhere I don't want to be. I know God is calling me to be better. I know He is putting me in these situations so I can learn to offer this up and over come these small things as prayers for bigger issues. I am horrible at it. I want to be better and I pray hard to improve but every time I am faced with a family member or a annoying person in a store or my relationship status I loose my patience and my human nature comes out in droves. I guess this is a life long battle, a cross per say that I will need to learn to carry a bit more upright. On one hand I feel blessed that God cares enough to point this out to me and be willing to help me work on it, however the other hand is tapping its fingers...

The Mother Struggle

Transformation. At 24 years old who wants to go through the trouble of transforming themselves? apparently me.. Today started the long strain of counseling with my mother. It has been a long hard road to get here. I am happy we are at a point, whether she likes it or not, that we are dealing with the unspoken mess of the last 10 years. I assume this will be tiring and long but worth it in the end.. Kinda like earth for Christians. This part stinks, we work hard, we are tired , sore, beat up, broken down but all for the gain of heaven. My "mother struggle" is my "earth" my suffering time, but at some point this will end and we will both be freed into heaven! I also haven't forgotten that I am not the only child with "mom issues". There are so many women I know who have and or have had problems with their parental units, its all about how we deal with that. My mother and I are both strong and pig headed we need a mediator to sort through our mean snips and snaps and get us down to the studs and start this remodel. I am hopeful in this mess because I know God loves us both and gave us to one another, He isn't going to steer us wrong.. Its , once again, about trust. Trusting Him and Him in us. So I am walking into this cluster with a smile, my rosary and faith. That's all I can do.

Honesty

Yet another topic of humility. Honesty, a virtue that I have not always had. Its easy at times to just tell a white lie;I don't have any change for the cheerleaders standing outside wawa, I put all of my clothes away when my mother would ask when I was little( or even sometimes even now). These things seem harmless but I have found in the past they are a gateway drug to bigger lies. So why is honesty so important? Because the Bible tells us so? Because we want to avoid a punishment later on? It seems to me honesty usually equals pain BC the things people need to be honest about are hurtful and or wrong. I hate this. More and more these past few days I have been going through a sort of purgatory on earth. I know God is getting me ready for something big but first;suffering. As you can tell from my recent writings, I am working some things out. Honesty seems to be the next player called to bat from my team of emotional baggage. I have had to be very honest with myself and the things/emotions I have suppressed these years and in turn, others are being honest with me. O joy .A fun filled time for all! I have a bit of a bone to pick with Eve , ya know the first woman. If she would have just left that damn apple alone we wouldn't be in this position! Not only am I making up for and working out my own issues I am dealing with it BC of Eve! God MUST be as loving as they say to have dealt with this for all these years! So here I am, start of a new week picking up my cross (which has gotten much heavier since I started "working out my issues") praying for the strength, patience, understanding and the love I need to stay upright.

Failure

I guess we have all felt like a failure at one time or another. Accompanied with my feeling of emptiness I have one of failure. Recently my boyfriend and I have been talking about marriage. Talking about all the stuff that leads up to the final decision; can we do it? is it Gods will? is it our will? Well we were having some trouble for one reason or another so we went to talk to our parish priest for some guidance some advice on what we should do.. End result; I feel like a failure. The priest had some great insight.He made a lot of sense and gave us great advice however I walked out of the office feeling like I failed. I pushed us to be in this part of the relationship and I thought I was doing what God wanted. I thought since I felt so strongly and wanted so badly to be with my boyfriend I was doing the right thing. Yet I realized it is a mix of my will and God's. I was doing Gods will by being with my boyfriend however I was doing His will at my pace. That's not how it works. God has a path a plan and time for all of us and we have to be able to bend and trust that He knows what is best. So here I am , I feel like I am standing in a white room, no way in or out. What happens next? The only answer I have is trust God, give up control and hope that everything is going to be alright. Because in the end that all we can do. We have to trust and wait and pray , I have to practice what I preach. A good dose of humility.

Felling Empty

Recently I have been feeling empty this has caused me to think about Mother Theresa.. She often felt empty. As someone who gets a lot of grace from God this feeling is odd. Its like when the big problem is in front of me, God removes his hands. Now I know He doesn't really, I know He is actually closer to me then ever ,He is just silent. This is something I don't know if I will ever get used too. I love feeling the Holy Spirit, it is like a security blanket. But then those times come like now that I feel alone. These times happen for different reason sometimes it is BC I am in the state of mortal sin other times it is just BC, atleast I think, God wants me to figure this one out based on all the info and help He has given me before. I am truly like a child in this. I want the help of my Father. I do not want to do this alone. I want Him to come down and sort this all out with me. Yet I know that trust is what He is teaching from above. He wants me to trust that He is taking care of me, taught me and will keep teaching me but sometimes I have to be tested. Its really easy when I have this empty feeling to fall away, eat a ton of cupcakes, not want to pray, not want to see my loved ones. This is the test, my challenge, to keep going strong as if I did feel filled with the Holy Spirit. The funny things is when I go push through these times I always end up feeling great and filled with grace. It is just hard to remember that in the moment. So help me Father, help me to trust you more to be more like Your Son and His Mother. Help me in knowing that you know what is best and no matter how much pain I have to endure You will be there to embrace me in the end.

Love

Love. overwhelming, uncontrollable. We as people long for it in one way or another. We watch it on TV we read it in books. We surround ourselves with love. Or maybe we just surround ourselves with the idea of love. Would we know true love when we see it? I think I do, but then the next normal human emotion comes in, doubt followed by fear. All of these things are tied together with a bow called trust. So its not just what we see on TV or read in books, you don't just meet and live happily ever after. You meet, you fall , you work hard at sustaining that love, over coming obstacles of the heart and mind. ugh love. So end result, trust is one with love and they are in a relationship with the rest of our God given emotions and we just need to pick up the whole bunch and run with it.

Proud and Preachy

So recently a friend told me I am very proud and preachy.. This startled me. I in no way want to be this way! in the corners of my mind and deepness of my heart I pray to be more humble, to let the Holy Spirit come forth from me. Yet I know I am not always this way. I am human and I am sinful and I let anger or frustration get the best of me. I come off proud or snotty and when I catch myself doing these things it breaks my heart. I guess old habits die hard. These are all things I am working on, in work, life, relationships.. These are tiny crosses I have and I am praying and actively working to be better at carrying them. So to anyone whom I have offended I am truly sorry, I do not mean to hurt or harm or upset anyone, only bring joy, love and God into their hearts.

Fall has fallen

The first day of fall.

I love fall! By far my favorite season. The leafs change color, the air is crisp and clean, which is perfect for sleeping or just about anything else. Football is back, kids are in school, the color pallet of the world is breath taking! It reminds me of when I was younger, my family would drive to Kentucky to see my Aunt and Uncle . That 13 hour drive went by so fast, rolling through the states watching the world change color right there before my eyes. Fall would be reason enough for me to move down south, I think a southern fall is unlike any other..

Vocations?

Vocation.
–noun

1.	a particular occupation, business, or profession; calling.

2.	a strong impulse or inclination to follow a particular activity or career.

3.	a divine call to God's service or to the Christian life.

4.	a function or station in life to which one is called by God: the religious vocation; the vocation of marriage.

Id like to point out number 4, this is rare that when speaking about a vocation people reference the religious life as well as the married life. We seem to forget that being married is also a vocation, a calling from God. Marriage is no easy task, in most cases you don't just meet and live happily ever after. Hard work, sweat ,blood and tears goes into making a marriage work. As I have said before I am not married, I am in discernment for that and or whatever God is calling me to do, however I have been well schooled in all vocations and marriage is often left out in the mix.. As is the case with the single life. Sometimes God calls us to be single, faithful holy people. They are not in the religious life or the married life, they live alone and usually work in their church in their spare time. These people are humble, loving and devout. The single vocation is rare nowadays probably BC people like two clean categories; married and religious. Yet this vocation is just as hard as the others if not more, this vocation takes immense trust in Our Lord, something that is hard to come by in even the most devout Christians, as humans we have something in us (original sin) that causes us to be more on guard then we probably should. No matter what your vocation may be I recommend intense prayer ,private spiritual direction from your priest and above all trust. This is a hard road to travel at a young age, however God is loving, kind and merciful He will help you every step of the way.

Hey, what are ya doin down there?

I laughed out loud when I heard Penny say to William " Hey, what are you doin down there, brother" as he lay with his head on the floor and one leg in the air.. The thought hit me, that's probably what God thinks of us all day long! He sees our actions and thoughts and wonders " what are they doing down there!" We probably look much like a infant with our feet over our heads in ignorant bliss.. At least our Lord is loving and understanding, merciful and kind, offering us forgiveness for our "silly" actions.. Otherwise all we would end up with is a sore neck and a headache.

Waves of Sin

Sin. One small word that means so much. How are we effected by it?

Sin makes us ugly, inside and out.. It causes waves of sorrow in our life's and destroys our relationships with one another and with God.. No matter what name you call it sin is there. And no matter how you ask for forgiveness it is also there...

I want to talk about a certain kind of sin, sexual sins.. Sins of the flesh.. As a practicing Catholic this is a big deal.. I am unmarried and in a relationship.. I am 24 and have urges and feelings just like everyone else.. However I also have a past. In my current relationship we practice chastity as hard as it is and there are times we do fall but our goal is to live as chaste loving Christians.. Yet there is a unspoken tension in the air.. A missing of trust.. A judgment.. My boyfriend and I have not always practiced our faith as best we could and that has caused a wave of sin in our life together.. Bc we both have had sex in one form or another we are lacking a trust, there is a missing piece to our puzzle that God made for us.. One may ask how do we mend this? What does it mean for us in a marriage? All of these questions are good and should be addressed but what I feel we are lacking is the idea of forgiveness. We as Catholics have the sacrament of confession.. Both my boyfriend and I have gone to our priest in persona Christi we have confessed these sins and have been forgiven.. Yet, we still have this hole... God has forgiven us, He has moved on yet we still let the past effect our future.. This is a far greater sin.. Not trusting in Our Lords love and mercy... I see now the error of my ways. This wave of sin I have caused in my life and all I can do is pray.. Pray for the strength to stay out of sin, to listen to Our Lord and to pass on the knowledge my mistakes have caused me to have to the children God grants me with..

New to it.

I am new to the blogging world.. to me I thought a journal or moments of thought were all I needed , however after the woman I work for shared her blog with me I was inspired...

Lets talk people.. we love them , we need them no matter how much we convince ourselves we don't. Yet, we as Americans are not producing more of them.. We are in a depression, the country that we live in is in some way not what it used to be and we are all to blame for that. I am not going to point my finger at any public party like most would, I am pointing my finger at us, the people who make up the United States of America... We are to blame when the country is loosing money, morals,values and its self .. I know the idea of the family is one of the past but it is what shapes our future. We need to take a step back.. think about the 40's the 50's men and woman met, they dated RESPECTFULLY they then courted and got married in a normal amount of time. Now we don't date we have sex with whom ever we please and with no remorse. We also use contraceptives, even in marriage. "We aren't ready to have kids, we want more money, a bigger home, we both need to focus on our careers that's really what is best for our child" I ask you, IS IT? BC in my world what is best for the child is a loving home, memories , and a future.. and I am sad to say unless we as Americans get the picture from the past we will not have a future for the few kids we have today.