The reality of sadness

I had a miscarriage. I am fine and so is my husband, yet I spent the last few weeks feeling like something was missing. As I found out what was happening I felt as if my body was betraying me. I wanted to shake myself, explain to my body that we are on the same team, she can't go making plans for us that I don't agree with. I felt this disconnected sense of reality, like I was watching this happen to someone else. I felt sorrow for "her" but didn't know how to help. My mantra of " this is God's will, your just a vessel" rang through my head every 3 minutes as I lay on our tiny leather love seat watching hours of mindless movies. I had no power, my doctor had no power. I was nothing more than a broken vessel.
 A few weeks have passed and the shock has worn off. I have stopped crying and started talking to my doctors. Apparently the most recent advances in early pregnancy miscarriages are slim. I was instructed to let my self heal and try again, if I had 2 more miscarriages then the Doctor would look into why and what can be done. Two more,this is the marvel of modern medicine, just wait and see? Yet I have no choice, I could do a million charts and take my temperature every 8 hours or I can do nothing. We've decided to do nothing. After much prayer and talking it over with my husband we have decided to in fact, trust God. This may be the scariest thing I have ever done but it feels oddly right.
 I realized it is not up to me to control this, I had no control as God took that life so why should I think I have any now? I feel humbled and yet grateful for a God that loves me so much He will take care of me. I don't need to worry, if it is His will we will have children and if it is not, then we need to trust He has a better plan for us. It is a little like walking into a cave without a light, food, cellphone, map, matches and a tent. Exhilarating and terrifying but here we go.