I am dark and twisty... I am cynical and angry... I am on fire with disdain, fear, emotion and pain. These current feelings have been causing me to be less than charitable, less than a good friend. I am not normally someone who has a lot of self pity, I actually dislike women who run around with the " oh poor me" attitude. I am sure there this some kind of link in my brain among emotions and being weak. However recently I have been more compassionate towards my "poor me" sisters. I have no desire to be social, I am having a hard time seeing pregnant women in public. I am feeling sorry for myself, and I hate it. I loathe how I am feeling, I have disdain for the water coming from my eyes, I want to scream at the people who want to hug me and tell me it is all okay and God has a plan... I know that, I get it, God has a plan, I am just a piece in a puzzle, be thankful for His love and grace...blah blah blah, these poor loving souls who just want to help me , I want them to just, please, shut up! I also am not responding to the " suck it up kid, bad things happen every day" attitude. That just makes me want to hit someone. I am left feeling like I do not belong, like I don't have a category to place myself in. I am so wrapped up in this I can't see my way out. I am normally a firm believer in the idea that when you feel sorry for yourself your too close to yourself and need to do charity for others. I want to be charitable I want to do for others but all I have been able to muster was helping with the Soup night at our Church. Even now writing this i feel self indulgent and ridiculous. I am asking you my dear loving friends, pray for me. I know God's love, I have felt it, I know He is here and I trust I will get out of this but right now, I can't see the forest through the trees , I am lost in this dark and twisty place and I really want to go Home.
Praying- I hope you don't mind if I suggest going to confession... I recently went and confessed this similar inner turmoil and how it seems to be infecting my outward actions and thoughts. What the priest said helped me but what brought the weight from my shoulders was hearing, "Be at peace about these matters" & "Go in Peace" I'd been putting off going for weeks and I'm so glad I forced myself. I took "be at peace" not as "just get over it" but as having complete faith in God's plan, no matter what hurt I may be experiencing... I took it as, "It's okay! it is okay and human to feel the way you do, but trust in God."
ReplyDeleteI pray for you to be at peace too, and I pray for complete healing for you and your husband as concerns your loss. Our Lady of Victory, pray for Shannon :)
I am moved by your response and I just left confession and Mass! I turned to my husband and said, I need to write a new post and express how I feel after cleansing my soul...thank you, thank you for reading this and for praying and for being a beautiful Christian.
ReplyDeleteShannon,
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it will be this way for you, but I'm fond of a particular deacon's teachings on various aspects of prayer - he has several series of podcasts which can be found (generally) here: http://www.discerninghearts.com/?page_id=624
Although, he has one particular series called "The Heart of Hope: Suffering and the Cross of Christ" which can be found here: http://www.discerninghearts.com/?page_id=1596
I haven't listened to each of these, but his overall 'style' if you will and the authenticity with which he speaks has been meaningful to me.