Respect the process.. Well the joke is on me.

I have written about "respecting the process" before. I first heard the phrase when I was going through a difficult break up. I did not know what to make of it but in time it became my motto. Recently I have been thinking about the direction my life is going. I was talking with my boyfriend regarding trying to respect the process in which we are in and learn from it day to day . It suddenly dawned on me that what I am respecting is just Gods will. I have finally started to let Him drive this crazy train! I kept telling my boyfriend to accept the way he feels and what comes his way ie; respect the process. I did not even realize I was actually telling him to just trust God. When I put these thoughts together I laughed out loud. As I posted a few blogs back I was reading a self retreat book, https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqK75ZxJKbfUktLCAAnbHA3zsbimWhec2UveWQPUg3HfCpL6NYVAxZcshCt9m56tsbY4QUe7sASO3qXGllvW84jfTwmXwg-syeZ4GSbyTPJSlEIN4trDdx6L2gFXsh1MdLXorXNIbGbSLp/s1600/jesus.jpg In that book the author describes coming to God with all your issues, all the things you want to break but just cant. He says that since Our Lord is so loving He will slowly take those issues away for you and you wont even know He is doing it. That is exactly what happened with me. I was overjoyed when I realized this, thankful beyond belief. Here I was this whole time  thinking I was trying  so hard to focus , accept , to cope in a way,  when really He was the one doing all the work! He was and is the one in control and because He is the Master of love, he has wooed me into a better place.

Stubborn

Those aren't apples in the picture, they are tomato's. The plant we have at my house seems to be resisting. It is refusing to ripen. This got me thinking about my own stubbornness. Is it just my nature or my will? I have been noticing lately the similarity among a lot of my worst traits and traits of some members of my family. As most of you know I have struggled with the age old issue of being just like my mother and or any other member of the pack of wolfs that raised me. It seems the older I get the more I see the "whole picture" . At some point we all realize our parents are not perfect, we see their flaws for the first time and it can cause us to retreat into our shell. But at some point we come to grips with our parents being human and not Divine and we move on. I am waiting for the moving on stage.
I am starting to get there. The delay is mostly bc I am starting to see those faults in myself and I do not know how to break them. These are "copping mechanisms" I've had for 25 yrs. All the sudden I have to give them up! You'd have better luck pulling dinner away from a lion. The only thing is I know God wants me to give these things up. In the end it brings me closer to Him. I was struggling with this for almost a year and then I started reading the retreat book I've blogged about before, Consoling the Heart of Jesus. Recently I came across a section about this! It seems I am not a maniac! This happens to everyone! Hooray! In the section the at hour says Jesus will help you realize these ways of copping and cling closer to Him. The best part is you do not even know He is doing it! He just "romances" you and you make the choice to drop the doughnuts and or whatever copping mechanism you have! So today that is where I am. Much like my tomato plant I am not ready yet but I am still growing and at some point I will be ripe.

"LES YEUX TOURNES VERS L'AUBE" - Religous order with Down Syndrome

A few months ago I was introduced to this video. It pulled on my heart strings, for some reason i can not find the full video but here is a clip as well as a artical on the order. http://catholicexchange.com/2010/03/30/128761/  As some of you know I work with a child with down syndrome, this little child has changed my life in so many ways. She is loving, kind, friendly to all as well as possess a strong connection to God. A priest friend of mine says that people with down syndrome are the purest of people. They have a line to Him and are here to help us get closer. I feel this is true with my little friend but I see it here in this clip as well. I wish for everyone to know someone with down syndrome, the light they bring into your life is unlike any other. Please think of supporting these sisters in their works and to find out more about Down syndrome you can visit  http://nads.org/  as well as my friends blog http://amyjuliabecker.com/  .

Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa speaks of being in a spiritual wasteland at times. She has been quoted saying" I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much".. I have to say, I agree.  Sometimes I feel like I am lost in this wasteland with no food or water. In those times I look at Mother Teresa and gain inspiration from her.  She went through the most struggles and suffering yet did it all with grace and faith. I have enclosed a summary on Mother Teresa for those who do not know a lot about her and I hope she influences you as she has me.
http://www.ewtn.com/motherteresa

Quater life crisis or Big old baby syndrome?

I think I am having a quarter life crisis. I am turning 25 this week and I feel like I am walking to the guillotine. I recently found out how much I weight and how many pounds over weight I am. This was he start of my fall into crisis. I realized I am going to be 25 , I am unhealthy,over weight by 60 pounds and I am unmarried with no plans on the horizon to be. Not to mention I am working a job that I love but have to defend all the time, see my last post. I just feel deflated. When I was little I had this image of marrying a tall dark handsome man by the time I was 24 , living in a little house, gardening, cooking, witting , raising some pale big eyed children. Then I grew up. The dream became more of a dream and less of a possibility. I feel like the older I get that dream is slipping away from me. I know its not rational and I know that most of the people my age have this same feeling, its common and can be over come. The hard part is just getting through this time and coming out stronger. I have the feeling I am here to be humbled, to be pushed into facing that my plans are not always what is going to happen. The saying " God laughs as you make plans" comes to mind. I want to navigate through this properly, I want to hear God in this and walk this path with style and grace. I know it is not an easy task, I also know it is not the end of the world. I will deal with much worse in the years to come, I can only image what I will feel like at 50! For now I want to be thankful for the time I've had, even if it is not what I have always "wanted" . I want to trust that He knows what is best and will fulfill all my wildest dreams in due time, but right now, He just wants me to eat some cake and reflect.

Will you follow Me into this deep dark hole....

Sometimes being a Christian is like walking into a deep dark hole in the ground. You have no idea where you are going, what may happen or if there is a way out. However in the times that I have ventured into that hole I have been pleasantly surprised. I did not find a monster waiting to bite off my head or a pit of angry snakes, instead I found Christ. There He was waiting for me with open arms ready to take me on a journey. He could not promise that there would not be frightening parts or moments of suffering but He did promise a glorious out come. I work as a nanny. You would not believe the amount of flack I get for that. I worked in banking for about five years and hated it with a passion. After visiting Lourdes and praying for a sign to help me decide if I should leave my job I was robbed at gun point. Sign taken and off I went into the world of nanny-ing. Its been two years since then and I truly love my job. There have been moments of suffering and hardship. I am experiencing one now, I had to quit a family earlier then expected due to a hostile father I have a month before my other position starts. I have no clue how I am going to pay bills, but I am full of trust that He wants me at this point right now. I made my choice after praying for help and guidance on what to do and this is where He has lead me. Scary yes but also providential . I have had moments of “doubt” that God still wanted me in this field but they were forced by other's disapproval of my job not by my own thoughts. I have prayed that if He wants me out of the field to open other doors, I have applied for many other jobs and I have gotten nothing. It is clear to me He wants me here with these families for whatever reason. Yet other's in my life are not sold on that and put me in the incredibly hard position of defending my job, sometimes weekly. I understand these people want "more" for me . However, doesn’t God offer the "most" and if this is what He desires for me then should not I trust that? I think so. I see my job as another deep dark scary hole that He is asking me to follow Him into and I am willing . I am willing to keep defending Him and my choices made with Him. Maybe it is all a lesson of trust, trust for me to have in Him as well as He using me as an example to show others that they need to trust in Him. Trust is one of the hardest things we have to have but the relief we receive from trusting is indescribable. I wish more people trusted in His plan for them. I wish they would respect the time they have here and let Him show them the marvelous plan He has. He has never let me down before and if I could give that faith I have in Him to others ,I would. Until the time we all trust, I will keep praying for guidance in my life and for open hearts and minds in others.

If Virgina is for lovers then Connecticut is for panic attacks.

I am a very nervous person. I usually only travel somewhere if I have a buddy or if I know the location. I have these insane panic attacks while driving in traffic. I lose it and freeze and end up stuck in the wrong lane,get lost and end even more upset. Part of me thinks this is all just silly and I can over come it, so I venture out and end in tears within minutes. Its childlike I know but I cant seem to break it. Recently the family I worked for move to Connecticut. After a month of missing them I excepted an invitation to spend the day with them in their beautiful home. I talked myself into diving and persuaded myself if I left at dawn and came home late it would all be fine. So off I went luckily with my gracious boyfriend , whom by the way needs a medal, maybe even a peace prize. At first all was well, I made it through NYC with little stress. My fingers hurt from gripping the wheel but that was the worst of it. We got to CT and I was relaxed and happy. We spent a very lovely day with wonderful friends but then it came time to depart. Aside from just not wanting to leave I was nervous we would hit traffic. Boy was I wrong. No holiday traffic at all! However my gps decided we should not follow signs , going through the Bronx at 10pm would be better! I prayed Hail Mary's and made it out, then the GW bridge came, people were flying as I obeyed the 45 miles a hour, I was not liked and beeped at with a stamina unknown to me. Again the Hail Mary's rolled as did the Guardian Angel prayer , the Our Father, Litany of saints and I may have even said grace! Finally we get over into NJ and I could not have been happier, my boyfriend ,however,was frustrated in being unable to calm me down as I cried and shook and yelped as trucks pass by. I thought that was the worst of it, now we were in NJ it would be smooth sailing, HA! I was fooled again, this time my gps told me to bare left when really I was to go right and I, like a fool listened to my talking box of knowledge, Welcome to Patterson was all I saw and I again  panic set it. Finally after three detours, the GW, a small car fire on the turn pike, many tears, four letter words , prayers and not to mention bathroom breaks, my boyfriend now swearing never to drive with me again , recoiling in disgusts from my lack of composer , those moments do not normally bring out the best, we were home. Was it all worth it? You bet ! Spending the day with "family" letting the Holy Spirit float amongst us and thanking God for the beauty of it all was worth all the traffic ,fits and even a trip to the Bronx. The conclusion is, only God is going to be the one to help me to overcome this anxiousness. I need to keep trying, I cant miss out on friends, family, fun whatever the situation may be ,  just because I am scared of getting in an accident. I have to keep trying to be better at handling those moments, and I have the faith He will help me to do that. After all faith is half the battle.