Pride will tear us apart, Love will set us apart

Pride. I have written about it before. It is something that I struggle with. The more I think about why I am so prideful the more I go back into that deep dark cave inside my mind called , childhood. Currently in life my new favorite thing is blaming my childhood on why I am so prideful, stubborn and selfish. As some of you know I was an only child for 13 years, my mother had me very young and we grew together more as sisters then mother and daughter. This caused a ripple affect in our relationship. Forever now I see her as a sister, as a young silly girl who I want to never be like. Funny thing about that is I am more like her as the seconds pass then I like to admit. We are all like our mothers at some point, but my question is, is that a bad thing? The Catholic Church teaches that Mary is our mother. She was handed over to us by her Son, our Lord. So if we are all like our mothers shouldn't we look at who our mother is and strive to become like her? My pride and my mom's pride is something that seems to be imbedded in our family. We all have it. It is a poison that runs deep and last long. I truly believe this is due to the hard times we have all experienced separately. The struggles and trials that we endured with no one by our sides due to our Godless up bringing. Those moments of pain and challenge caused us all to have this swollen misplaced righteousness. However is not seeing that the first step to repairing it? I know there is a cure for this pride and it is prayer. I should not be ashamed to be like my mother, as long as I am being like the right one. Obviously this is a journey as all things are with God and I am going to have to trek through many other erie waters before I find my home , but there is a peace knowing I have a home and a mother to come home to.

Life after the retreat

Recently I had the pleasure of spending the day at a women's retreat. The priest was http://www.fatherangelus.com/. He is a wonderful priest and I was excited to spend the day listening to his thoughtful words. I went into this retreat with an open heart. I did not know the topics he was to talk about, all I wanted was to take notes listen and pray God gave me some grace to get out of this funk I have described in previous posts. So did He? Yes, but in His way, not mine. I enjoyed all the things Father said. I was happy to be there and felt very peaceful, however what I was more excited about was to have a confession with him. It seemed he knew things about me that I have not told and I left with a complete sense that I just spoke to my King through this man. I truly believe this is what confession is intended to be like every time, however I think we let ourselves ruin that from time to time. Confession becomes a habit , we rattle off our sins and forget that it is not just our priest in there with us but Christ Himself here to listen and forgive us. So there I am in line for confession , I get inside and it is like he has a secret for me and only me and I cannot wait to hear it. We have a beautiful confession , again there were moments where he spoke as if he knew what was in my soul before I said it. I truly think that prayer was answered that day, and I am thankful for that. Yet it is hard when you start to see God's work in your life, He does not always answer prayers the way you would like. So today a few days after my retreat and back into reality I am praying for that peace again. I am asking for the grace to be patient and understanding while God helps me work out this mess. I guess what I am saying is that God works in ways I will not ever understand and I should take those moments of peace He offers during my days and remember them when I am lost and confused about this life. This is not an easy task but sometimes He gives me help with beautiful retreats with His closest friends

The cow or the grass

Recently I have been thinking a lot about food. For those of you who know me you know this isn't a shock. However I have been thinking about healthy food. I eat very few meat products. My diet is mostly sugar and fat and that's not a good choice. Its not that I have anything against the big cow or chicken they just don't taste great to me, they bore me. My boyfriend and I have been eating out daily for the past few months, needless to say it has been hurting our wallets and our belly's. We aren't married and won't live together until we get married so cooking a meal for two is hard when you are doing it in other people's kitchens. All of this eating out got us thinking how we don't know what is in our food, we aren't told or even able to understand half of the chemicals used to "preserve" our yummy treats so that being said, should we be eating it? This morning my answer is no. I think we should change our diet, start finding protein in other sorces, buy fresh fruits and veggies from a local farm and cook it weekly. It will probally save us both a lot of money and maybe even a few years on our lives. So for now I am going to research and understand what this change means but I am looking forward to eating food and feeling the way God intended us to feel.

spring cleaning

I walk to the refrigerator and stare blankly inside. I see nothing there that is considered healthy. I see cheesecake and potato salad some left over hot dogs. I want to eat I am hungry or am I just sad or lonely or bored? What does any of this have to do with God? All of it. I have begun to see in the passed few years that there is not a choice I make that doesn't involve Him. Example, what I eat. I am hungry but I am also a little depressed now do I turn that into prayer while having a salad or do I go for the cake and sit in my bed? Everything you do from the minute you wake has a direct line to God and in turn back to you. I have been forced to see this in these past few weeks. I had a case of the winter blues whether it was because of the weather or my relationship or my job or family whatever the case I was down so I ate, a lot 25 pounds of spare tire in my mid section a lot. I also stopped praying as much because in my spare time from eating I was asleep. Two o'clock in the afternoon I was out cold and could not figure out why. The past few days it has been 89 and sunny, I went to the beach and felt the sun touch my body for the first time in months, I let it burn just to feel something greater then me. This something greater of course is God, He was ever so gently saying "wake up, its time to come home". I have been away from Him and my "home" all winter so now that He has shaken my soul into spring I see how much I really need Him. I need Him to help me make the right choice in food, clothes, jobs, cars, family, relationships, everything. I need Him to kick my back side sometimes and ask me in that Fatherly way what am I thinking ? So here comes spring and here I go off to the gym with rosary in hand. A little spring cleaning is needed on the soul just as much as the house.

Wake up America

When I was little I woke up often in the night with the sense of fear creeping deep within my bones. The only remedy for this was to dive deeper into my covers and say Hail Mary's until I fell asleep. Recently as an adult I have had this same fear the difference now is that going deeper under my covers wont help.The "monster under the bed" has changed from inviable to the face of our nations president. The health care bill has me shaken to my core. I am worried for my rights, I am worried for my parents, grandparents, brother and sisters. The government has already started to outlaw certain foods BC they deem them unhealthy so how far are we from the law makers getting rid of certain people BC they are unhealthy or "defective"? I would like to say something to all for my Pro-Choice friends; You believe that your body is your right, you can choose what to do with it, what to put in it and take out of it. You do not think that God has the right to tell you what to do even though He made you. So explain to me, what is going to happen when the government tells you that even though you made your CHOICE to keep the child you are going to have they have over ruled that CHOICE because your child is not perfect it has down syndrome or a sugar problem or will be blind or deaf. Your CHOICE will be taken away from you because of our new health care plan. I hope we all realize that the difference between God and the government is that God will NOT impede on your free will, but the government will. I am scared brothers and sister. I am scared for my parents future, my future, my future children, that is if America lasts that long.

Dreams may come true

I always have the strangest dreams. They never really make sense and there is usually a theme of fear or murder in them. I have stopped paying attention to what I dream about I wake up, shower and go about my day just laughing off the oddities my mind created. However last night I had a dream that stayed with me. I was in the kitchen at my house, my grandmother and my uncle were there with me, my uncle, whom as far as I know has no religious affiliation, turns to me and says " I want to be the bible I want to eat it, love it, and be as close as a person can be to it." I then say ; " Don't you see, Jesus is the bible, He is the word of God, He came and preached to us the Gospels, He came to be the bread of life, He gave up his body and blood for us in the Eucharist and there we can eat Him, we can consume Him , when we do that we are consuming the bible, we are as close to the Word of God as you can be. In those moments when we are receiving Him we build the most intimate relationship, we go home to our Maker. " At this point in the dream my grandmother asks me what in the world I am talking about and then I wake up. I do not know why I recalled this dream so vividly but I felt like The Holy Spirit wanted me to share it. Please do not misunderstand me in the statement I made in the dream, I still think reading the bible is important, I think we need to do it daily and use it as the powerful tool that it is. But do not forget the rosary is scriptural too there are many ways we can reflect on Scripture.

The Best

The best in people. I have been thinking a lot this lent about seeing the "best in people". I know it is hard to find that "best' sometimes. When I am in line at some store and the person behind me is making loud annoyed noises at how many things I have to pay for or when I am waiting to receive confession and someone is complaining about how long the line is or how long the priest takes with each person or when people I am waiting for or meeting are late or taking their time and we have to be somewhere. These things make me crazy, they make me want to tell these people to hurry up, shut up, suck it up and be happy, but that is not fair. That is not what Jesus would do and it is not what I should be doing, Instead I have started to offer up these little moments, I say a prayer for whatever is causing them to be short with others and I hope and pray that when the time comes that I am short and annoyed, and trust me its often I am no saint, that someone is praying for me. Maybe these prayers will change things, all of us will come a little closer to Him in those moments and that would be a grace. That would be us being like Christ and is that not what we are all called for?