The beast is back

Its been awhile. I am newly married and that is the extent of my excuse, my Catholic friends will understand my lack of interest in the computer screen. Instead of going on about what has been happening these past few months and throwing in a joke to keep you amused I will skip the recap and go into a new topic.

 FARMS. I want one , no, crave one. I grew up with a bit of land but no chickens to peck at my feet, no horse to rub my neck and beg for a ride. Therefore I had to create this fantasy life in my head, right down to the lack of manure and 4 am milking. Recently I have decided to save our little house some money by making some of the things we normally buy. I was given a copy of Make the bread buy the Butter for Christmas (www.thetipsybaker.com) Flipping through the pages I was reminding of my dreams of having land that my kids could roam around on, chickens to peck at them and ducks to chase me down the lane screaming into the house like they did to my Grandmother when they raises ducks.  Is this a dream that I can make a reality? No, not right now anyway. At the moment we are in a 5th floor walk up where I can barely keep basil alive. Yet the dream still calls to me, finger nail beds covered in dirt as I dig around for potatoes and carrots. Maybe one day we will be able to have a bit if land, some of God's amazing creatures rooming around but for now I will stick to cultivating my words to you and less on our future sprouts. 

It is good to be back, now lets get down to business.

           Hello dear friends! I was sitting here thinking of all the things I could say to you to explain my long absence but then I realized Id be a big fat liar and that is not what blogging is about, not for me anyway. In truth I have just been lazy, well, lazy and busy. As most of you know my boyfriend proposed on Easter Sunday , here we are seven months later and we are rounding the corner to our wedding date. Even writing that makes me nervous. You see we have not had the "easiest " of relationships. If you've followed this blog you know we have broken up ,struggled to communicate and had issues with one anothers past. I wish I could say all that is gone and we are mounting our horses to ride off into the sunset, but I told you I am not a big fat liar.
   Apparently marriage is hard. That is part of what we learned at pre-canna last weekend. We heard from some amazing couples who have seen it and done it all. They guided us through the pitfalls of not communicating , of communicating too much, sex, money, pride and children. They were all amazing and I can say we really did learn something. However I felt there was one thing lacking in that weekend of informational bliss ,what about the nerves???!!?? I am left to believe no one is nervous before they join themselves to another for life, again a big fat lie. So I took to my trusty laptop to find the answers, I ordered books from amazon about marriage, prayer, being a groom, being a bride, and I got nothing. Nothing good that is, all I found were either horror stories or rosy tales of love and bliss. I find it hard to believe that it is so black and white.
       I want the truth, I want to hear the stories I can relate to. I need to know that you freaked out when you went wedding band shopping bc the experience was surreal or that not daily but occasionally the reality of it all  set in and maybe it made it hard to breath for a few beats. I do not want to hear how you left you're blushing bride at the altar or that bc you were nervous you and your boys had a little too much fun with a certain lady named ,Kandy at you bachelor party! I just want the real deal ! I want to know what it was like for other, practicing , in love, kinda scared couples! So I am calling on you blogging world, fill me in! What was your engagement period like, were you nervous, did you cry , did the thought of being Mr. or Mrs. make you gitty and scared all at once? Help a girl out, friends.

Be careful what you pray for?

I came across this news report, and although I am not sure how I feel about praying for money, I do find it funny that God would covert this man in this way...


http://www.christianpost.com/news/atheist-converts-after-mock-prayer-to-win-1m-lottery-is-answered-50600/

When your past haunts your future

It has been awhile since I last posted something here. I am sorry for the uncalled for leave of absents.
A lot has been changing in my world and like most of you would expect I am poorly coping with that change. I guess if you were reading anyone else's blog the news of their engagement would be happy news. Well you are not reading someone else blog you're reading mine and with most things in my life pain follows happiness. I feel like I am in the middle of a spiritual battle, one I was not prepared for. After our engagement all was well, we were happy and excited then the fear set in. Our we doing the right thing, is this God's will, what if we hate each other, what if he cant find more work. I was haunted with what if syndrome, something I hate with ever fiber of my being. All I wanted to do is scream , stomp my feet and yell at God like a child to her Father, THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!! However I thought that may be sending the wrong message, instead I prayed. I went to Mass, I said my rosary, I spent time in adoration. I repeated Jesus I trust in You over and over. Then the fear went away, for me at least. My partner is still wrapped in his fear looking for the exit. Should this scare me? I do not think so, here is why; I trust in God. Simple and matter of fact. I know He led me here, I feel Him urging me to keep going, just a little longer, to keep fighting. I recently came across the idea that when you are open to doing God's will the more you will be spiritually attacked. The closer you get to achieving God's will the more the evil things playing on your weakness will taunt you. I do not know what comes next but I do know I trust in Him and no matter what happens, I am loved.

When I do not feel like being Christian

I yelled at the cashier in Acme the other day. I was having a few rough days and for some reason prayer was not snapping me out of it like normal. The night before at our weekly prayer group I actually used the F word. What is wrong with me! That answer is not a short one and not really going to give us any break through. In short, I am a person. I am prone to moods that are less than desirable. It is all about how I choose to navigate through those moods that matter. Do I take the calm loving Jesus approach? Yes I should but I do not always. Sometimes I tell the cashier that if he is not going to do his job correctly he should find a new job. Sometimes I am short with my Aunt when there is no real reason to be. None of this makes me the worst person but none of it makes me a  better one either. I have put a lot of work into myself the past few years and in moments like I just mentioned all that work looses credibility.  As a Catholic Christian I am called to be like Jesus, no matter if the person next to me is rude or I have not slept. I am called to love them because He loves them. I have come to see this is one of my Lenten lessons. I need to be more charitable, loving, compassionate, flexible. I need to live the Gospel in yet another way, loving my neighbor. This has been a great Lent so far and I am grateful and happy to learn these lessons. I know I will be learning them for many many years, and most likely reviewing them in purgatory, but I am happy to do it, joyful even. I am so pleased to know that God still loves me, no matter how crabby I am, he still cares enough to remind me gently me, Love your neighbor as yourself.

All About the Solemnity of St. Joseph

Today is the Solemnity of St. Joseph, I tried to put into words how I feel about this amazing role model for all men, but alas I am at a loss. Instead I will insert a address for a site that gives a detailed account of his life. St. Joseph is , to me, one of the most humble, loving , kind men that ever walked this earth and I truly feel men and women can learn from him. Happy Feast Day!

http://www.churchyear.net/stjoseph

The eyes of the Lord

While getting dressed his morning I thought about the current state my life. Lent is two days away ,I am not ready, much like every year, however, I am looking foreword to it, a time of penance and prayer, but again I am not ready. I am not ready to give up sweets to pray more . I am selfish, hence why I need lent. I get so distracted with wanting things just the way I want them that I forget what God wants, or worst yet, I do not even ask Him. I wake up everyday with my own agenda powering through my day only thinking of me. This has gotten my nowhere and it took me awhile to see that. So even though I am stubborn and selfish I am going to welcome this lent. I am going to embrace this time of denial and usher in prayer and fasting. I am going to make a hardcore effort in these next 40 days to look at life through the eyes of the Lord and less through the eyes of a sinner.