Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa speaks of being in a spiritual wasteland at times. She has been quoted saying" I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much".. I have to say, I agree.  Sometimes I feel like I am lost in this wasteland with no food or water. In those times I look at Mother Teresa and gain inspiration from her.  She went through the most struggles and suffering yet did it all with grace and faith. I have enclosed a summary on Mother Teresa for those who do not know a lot about her and I hope she influences you as she has me.
http://www.ewtn.com/motherteresa

Quater life crisis or Big old baby syndrome?

I think I am having a quarter life crisis. I am turning 25 this week and I feel like I am walking to the guillotine. I recently found out how much I weight and how many pounds over weight I am. This was he start of my fall into crisis. I realized I am going to be 25 , I am unhealthy,over weight by 60 pounds and I am unmarried with no plans on the horizon to be. Not to mention I am working a job that I love but have to defend all the time, see my last post. I just feel deflated. When I was little I had this image of marrying a tall dark handsome man by the time I was 24 , living in a little house, gardening, cooking, witting , raising some pale big eyed children. Then I grew up. The dream became more of a dream and less of a possibility. I feel like the older I get that dream is slipping away from me. I know its not rational and I know that most of the people my age have this same feeling, its common and can be over come. The hard part is just getting through this time and coming out stronger. I have the feeling I am here to be humbled, to be pushed into facing that my plans are not always what is going to happen. The saying " God laughs as you make plans" comes to mind. I want to navigate through this properly, I want to hear God in this and walk this path with style and grace. I know it is not an easy task, I also know it is not the end of the world. I will deal with much worse in the years to come, I can only image what I will feel like at 50! For now I want to be thankful for the time I've had, even if it is not what I have always "wanted" . I want to trust that He knows what is best and will fulfill all my wildest dreams in due time, but right now, He just wants me to eat some cake and reflect.

Will you follow Me into this deep dark hole....

Sometimes being a Christian is like walking into a deep dark hole in the ground. You have no idea where you are going, what may happen or if there is a way out. However in the times that I have ventured into that hole I have been pleasantly surprised. I did not find a monster waiting to bite off my head or a pit of angry snakes, instead I found Christ. There He was waiting for me with open arms ready to take me on a journey. He could not promise that there would not be frightening parts or moments of suffering but He did promise a glorious out come. I work as a nanny. You would not believe the amount of flack I get for that. I worked in banking for about five years and hated it with a passion. After visiting Lourdes and praying for a sign to help me decide if I should leave my job I was robbed at gun point. Sign taken and off I went into the world of nanny-ing. Its been two years since then and I truly love my job. There have been moments of suffering and hardship. I am experiencing one now, I had to quit a family earlier then expected due to a hostile father I have a month before my other position starts. I have no clue how I am going to pay bills, but I am full of trust that He wants me at this point right now. I made my choice after praying for help and guidance on what to do and this is where He has lead me. Scary yes but also providential . I have had moments of “doubt” that God still wanted me in this field but they were forced by other's disapproval of my job not by my own thoughts. I have prayed that if He wants me out of the field to open other doors, I have applied for many other jobs and I have gotten nothing. It is clear to me He wants me here with these families for whatever reason. Yet other's in my life are not sold on that and put me in the incredibly hard position of defending my job, sometimes weekly. I understand these people want "more" for me . However, doesn’t God offer the "most" and if this is what He desires for me then should not I trust that? I think so. I see my job as another deep dark scary hole that He is asking me to follow Him into and I am willing . I am willing to keep defending Him and my choices made with Him. Maybe it is all a lesson of trust, trust for me to have in Him as well as He using me as an example to show others that they need to trust in Him. Trust is one of the hardest things we have to have but the relief we receive from trusting is indescribable. I wish more people trusted in His plan for them. I wish they would respect the time they have here and let Him show them the marvelous plan He has. He has never let me down before and if I could give that faith I have in Him to others ,I would. Until the time we all trust, I will keep praying for guidance in my life and for open hearts and minds in others.

If Virgina is for lovers then Connecticut is for panic attacks.

I am a very nervous person. I usually only travel somewhere if I have a buddy or if I know the location. I have these insane panic attacks while driving in traffic. I lose it and freeze and end up stuck in the wrong lane,get lost and end even more upset. Part of me thinks this is all just silly and I can over come it, so I venture out and end in tears within minutes. Its childlike I know but I cant seem to break it. Recently the family I worked for move to Connecticut. After a month of missing them I excepted an invitation to spend the day with them in their beautiful home. I talked myself into diving and persuaded myself if I left at dawn and came home late it would all be fine. So off I went luckily with my gracious boyfriend , whom by the way needs a medal, maybe even a peace prize. At first all was well, I made it through NYC with little stress. My fingers hurt from gripping the wheel but that was the worst of it. We got to CT and I was relaxed and happy. We spent a very lovely day with wonderful friends but then it came time to depart. Aside from just not wanting to leave I was nervous we would hit traffic. Boy was I wrong. No holiday traffic at all! However my gps decided we should not follow signs , going through the Bronx at 10pm would be better! I prayed Hail Mary's and made it out, then the GW bridge came, people were flying as I obeyed the 45 miles a hour, I was not liked and beeped at with a stamina unknown to me. Again the Hail Mary's rolled as did the Guardian Angel prayer , the Our Father, Litany of saints and I may have even said grace! Finally we get over into NJ and I could not have been happier, my boyfriend ,however,was frustrated in being unable to calm me down as I cried and shook and yelped as trucks pass by. I thought that was the worst of it, now we were in NJ it would be smooth sailing, HA! I was fooled again, this time my gps told me to bare left when really I was to go right and I, like a fool listened to my talking box of knowledge, Welcome to Patterson was all I saw and I again  panic set it. Finally after three detours, the GW, a small car fire on the turn pike, many tears, four letter words , prayers and not to mention bathroom breaks, my boyfriend now swearing never to drive with me again , recoiling in disgusts from my lack of composer , those moments do not normally bring out the best, we were home. Was it all worth it? You bet ! Spending the day with "family" letting the Holy Spirit float amongst us and thanking God for the beauty of it all was worth all the traffic ,fits and even a trip to the Bronx. The conclusion is, only God is going to be the one to help me to overcome this anxiousness. I need to keep trying, I cant miss out on friends, family, fun whatever the situation may be ,  just because I am scared of getting in an accident. I have to keep trying to be better at handling those moments, and I have the faith He will help me to do that. After all faith is half the battle.

The overwhelmingly rewarding job of Consoling the Heart of Jesus

A seminarian friend of mine recently saved my life. Not in the way you would think, I was not trapped in a car or in a burning building literally, but spiritual I was a mess. Spiritually I was in a car on fire in a building on fire under water drowning and again on fire. However God is merciful and he sent my friend to me in the nick of time. I was sitting in adoration not talking to God but having more of a childish arms crossed stare off with him when my friend entered.He gave me a soft knowing smile and handed me a very large book. It was a do it yourself retreat, inspired by the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius entitled,  Consoling the Heart of Jesus, http://thedivinemercy.org/chj/ I have to admit it was a bit funny that I was handed a do-it -yourself book considering I had been trying to "do it myself" and was not getting very far. The missing component just happened to be , Jesus. So, here I was " doing it myself" like so many of us do and forgetting to stop and ask Him for directions. Nevertheless, I received this book and opened it with a mix of emotions. I did not know where this retreat was going to take me, but I knew I needed a change somehow. I have not yet finished this retreat but I want to share something I read this morning in adoration with you all. I was surprised when I read this, shocked even. After reading it I got to my knees and begged for forgiveness that I did not even know I needed to ask for before these simple paragraphs."...Briefly there is a pause in the violence as the priest and elders discuss among themselves the best way to condemn Jesus to death. In the flickering light of torches you see the deep sorrow on the Lord's sullied face. As you contemplate his downcast countenance, his already closed eyelids suddenly tighten and his brown stiffens. A faint groan issues from his mouth, and it looks like he's about to fall over. You ask him what's the matter my Lord? What just happened? Without looking up , he whispers, My friend Peter just denied me three times. This brief meditation may help us to understand better the sensitivity of the Lord's Heart. For what wounds him most is, indeed, when those closest to him reject him and don't trust him. So what hurts the Lord most? Was it the nails that were driven into his wrist and feet? Or was it the sight through his supernatural vision of serious sins such as adultery and murder? Surely , seeing such sins would have pierced Jesus' Heart. It may come as a surprise , however, that such sins don't seem to be the ones that hurt him most. What hurts him most is the sin of distrust, that is, when people don't trust in his merciful love, especially when its those closest to him. That may sound strange at first. After all sins involving sex or violence tend to capture our attention most....." I hope this passage was as helpful to you as it was for me. I have spent so much time focusing on the sin and not on how it affect Jesus. I have over looked my distrust and rejection of him within my sins and that is something I never want to do again

Hell or High Water

I must have a hole somewhere in my brain where all the information concerning my faith slips out late at night like a teenage girl going to meet a boy. I know what I believe in and more importantly I believe what I believe in yet time and time again I push it off to the side tuck it all in a neat little cupboard and act as if I am someone else. Is this human nature? Or the bigger question I am just a self centered jerk? Both may be true. However it is not an excuse to do as I please, I have written time and time again on how I need to over come these things, be better then my best and actually follow what I believe in. Yet just as often I do the opposite and hurt my Father. I am tired of this hamster wheel! I am tired of feeling down and eating my emotions, gaining weight being too tired or depressed to pray, I am tired of crawling back to Him on my knees bloody and bruised asking forgiveness. How about do not do anything to be " I am sorry" for. I forget that my soul is much like my body and it too gets out of shape. I need to take it to the "gym" work it out and burn off a few bad things. I need to keep in my mind, that sin is like lard for the soul, it does nothing but slow it down and kill you. This is not rocket science I know all these things, and maybe it will be a life long struggle to keep my head above water, but the one thing that never changes is my will to do it. No matter how beaten bruised bloody and torn I am , I must fight this fight come hell or high water.

Your souls gone old and rusty

There is a line in one of my favorite songs it goes "Your souls gone old and rusty". I love this line and hate it all at once. I love it bc its smart and gives great visuals but I hate it bc its true. My soul has from time to time went old and rusty,like a spoon forgotten in the yard all summer . You stumble on it after the first big snow fall and are surprised by the familiar yet unexpected object. As many of you know I go in an out spiritually, the ability to stay focused on God and His love is not a strong suit of mine. Recently I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, I have known this person for maybe eight years. She was there when I did a lot of bad things and thought religion was nice and all but not for me. We have had a bumpy road bc of my conversion but we still chat now and again and maintain a friendship. Our conversation today was about drug use. My point is why do them? If you feel you will never live without some type of substance in your life then is that not a door way to a bigger problem ? Her response was that everyone has demons and a lot of times you form dependencies bc of them. I mentally posed the question of  is it demons or vices and is there a difference. However at this point the conversation ended maybe bc we both knew if it went on we would have another bumpy patch of hurt feelings and judgements that neither of us wanted. But my question remained swirling in my head. I then drew the line from that conversation to my own current spiritual state. To insure I do not let those old demons of my own come back in to trash my soul and push me into a darker place I need to do some maintenance. I need to get into adoration and keep fighting the fight. I truly believe God made me for a reason even if it's just to love Him daily.  I want to draw a clear line among having demons and the demons having me. Because at the end of the day we all have them, and they are there ready and waiting to come into our minds and souls and get comfy the question is can you face them? Are you ready to do the work needed to over come them and if not ,why?