Trying something new

Friends,
  I am trying something new with my blog. I will still be posting here now and then but I have started a blog focusing on our (in)fertility ; www.chasingsaintgerard.blogspot.com  . Please hope over, take a look maybe even pass it along if you like it. As always I am praying for you and yours .
  Love and Blessings,
   Shannon 

Purgatory or Permanent

           The past 6 months have been a roller coaster.. I have had miscarriages, surgery, a broken foot, all these things ended up in a nervous breakdown. I was having panic attacks, sleepless nights, returning to my job as a nanny sent me into a spiral. After praying with my husband we decided I should not return to work. This was no easy choice, I was deeply saddened about leaving the family I cared for. I was scared about the financial aspect, but in the end I had to trust that God was going to care for us if this was His will.
       After I turned in my notice God did bless us. Very much like a loving parents He made sure we had enough money in the bank, He lined up some freelance work for my husband and He sent me a call from my beloved spiritual director. I started to dig in, work out these feelings and what I have learned so far is that I am small. Small, selfish, spoiled and greedy. I want what I want, and even if I discern and get an answer other than my desire I still push it. I have heard from so many that they too feel this way , do these things ,but it still annoys me about myself.
      I desperately want to spend this time I have been given properly. Yet I am not sure what properly means yet. I have this overwhelming feeling that I am to be a blessing to others, of course my mind jumps right to how, when, where, with whom?? However, I do not think it is for me to know yet. My husband and I also have a feeling that whatever God does decide to show us may not come with a pay check. We are surprisingly okay with this, I am thanking the Sacramental Graces for that one!
        I guess what I have taken the most from these past 6 months is that we have no control. We do not call the shots, He does. We can plan and force and drive our wills all we want but in the end if we are open in our hearts to doing God's will He will make sure that happens. This thought was ringing true to me on two occasions. One was when my cycle began this month and there was no joy of life coming into our little home just yet. Oh and side note, I know we have time, I know we do not need to rush but being reminded of that only reminds me of how little time here we actually have. The second time was when a friend of mine was sharing her plans for the next year, she and her husband wanted to travel and grow the numbers in their bank account and on the face of it those things are not bad but my heart broke a little. I see this beautiful couple and I want them to have what we are striving for, new life. Money goes away, the memories from a trip fade, pictures get lost. The only thing tangible, real, is Life.    My prayer is that one day I can be thankful and peaceful for however God decides to send that Life to us.
       
 
  

Gracefully Graceless

      Good news, I am no longer dark and twisty. After my last post I went to adoration, confession and Mass. I left feeling light as air, I felt like my problems were well under way of being taken care of. That being said, my husband and I decided to have a "care free weekend". One day I bought him this , I love you book of coupons, at any time either of us may invoke a coupon. I chose the fun weekend thinking we would go to dinner, see a friend, be silly , laugh , pray together ect ect... boy was I wrong.  After leaving Mass we made a plan to visit our favorite local spot, we had corned beef reubens for dinner, a friend came to dine with us after much laughter we went back to our friends new apartment to see the space. We stayed and chatted for a few hours, I ate ice cream and breathed a little easier due to our "fun weekend". It was getting late and we had to walk home so we kissed our goodbyes and headed for her back door. Our friend lives on top of a larger building her back door opens to a long trail of wooden deck stairs. We started down making a passing comment about how there is no light and the landlord should remedy that. Moments later I stepped down thinking I reached the landing but I actually missed three steps. I tumbled and landed on my right foot. I screamed out , only half from the pain and half from knowing something was broken and again I was going to be "useless" .
        My husband and friend helped me down the steps and into her car. I went to bed crying out of anger and pain willing my feet to be well. In the morning I got up , I slowly placed my feet on the floor , I tried to stand, back down I went. I would say this is the point where the stage of denial kicked in, I refused to believe this was happening. My husband got up helped me get dressed and we made our way to the emergency center. A few X-rays some friendly banter and a soft cast later I learned I broke my 5th metatarsal . The tall sad looking doctor informed me I would need to keep the cast on and walk on the foot as little as possible. Because it is my right foot I cannot drive, and the recovery time would be, drum roll please, 6-8 weeks! I laughed out loud when I heard that! Didn't I just get back to work from a seven week recovery after surgery? Yes folk ,yes I did. So this begs the question; What is God trying to do here, make me insane? Well, no, I do not think so. I think He is trying to teach us trust. My husband has to care for me, I have to let him, our families have to trust that we will be okay and provide for ourselves in this tough time and ultimately we all have to trust God. I am doing surprisingly well with it. At first I though I would be insane, housebound and crazy but I am peaceful, thankful even! I have time to blog, to pray, I get 40 plus days in the desert!!That my friends, is exciting. In the end I am still in need of prayer, I am still learning to let my husband do things for me, I am still frustrated when I can't shower with out being held up. However,  I am at peace that God has a plan here and I am trying to be a willing soul to His Word. So in this last "leg of lent" I ask you dear Father to mold me, to use me, to help me be the graceful daughter you created. 

Dark and Twisty

I am dark and twisty... I am cynical and angry... I am on fire with disdain, fear, emotion and pain. These current feelings have been causing me to be less than charitable, less than a good friend. I am not normally someone who has a lot of self pity, I actually dislike women who run around with the " oh poor me" attitude. I am sure there this some kind of link in my brain among emotions and being weak. However recently I have been more compassionate towards my "poor me" sisters. I  have no desire to be social, I am having a hard time seeing pregnant women in public. I am feeling sorry for myself, and I hate it. I loathe how I am feeling, I have disdain for the water coming from my eyes, I want to scream at the people who want to hug me and tell me it is all okay and God has a plan... I know that, I get it, God has a plan, I am just a piece in a puzzle, be thankful for His love and grace...blah blah blah, these poor loving souls who just want to help me , I want them to just, please, shut up!  I also am not responding to the " suck it up kid, bad things happen every day" attitude.  That just makes me want to hit someone. I am left feeling like I do not belong, like I don't have a category to place myself in. I am so wrapped up in this I can't see my way out. I am normally a firm believer in the idea that when you feel sorry for yourself your too close to yourself and need to do charity for others. I want to be charitable I want to do for others but all I have been able to muster was helping with the Soup night at our Church. Even now writing this i feel self indulgent and ridiculous. I am asking you my dear loving friends, pray for me. I know God's love, I have felt it, I know He is here and I trust I will get out of this but right now, I can't see the forest through the trees , I am lost in this dark and twisty place and I really want to go Home.

Calvary and beyond!

Hello blogging world. It has been awhile since my last post, let me first start by saying I am sorry for the delay and now let me explain my absents .....

         On feb3rd, two days before my husbands 31st birthday I was taken into the hospital for emergency surgery. It turns out, after our miscarriage I became pregnant again but the pregnancy was tubal. The tube had burst killing the child and making that tube unusable. I had a belly full of blood and was fading fast. After a long four hour surgery I was taken into recovery. In the hospital they let you sit in recovery until you've woken up and then your pushed along into a room. I had to laugh at the idea that my recovery consisted of 67 minutes in a dark room. In reality it has been four weeks and I presume my doctor will have more restrictions for me soon.
     The physical part of this is frustrating, not being able to walk or sit or stand ,being trapped in my house BC we happen to live in a 5th floor walk up and I can't do steps. Yet the physical is nothing compared to the emotional. I've had moments of sobbing suddenly, heaving in my chest , complete break down. Then I had other moments of empty. Just staring at a screen for days on end, little conversation with my husband or others. I have not had the desire to pray at all. It is not that  I am mad at God, I am not walking around screaming WHY ME? I know why me, BC I am willing. I am willing to let God run this show and if that means pain and suffering ,well then okay. Yet at the same time I am not anxious to have a conversation with Him. I keep thinking of it as a marriage , God and I are a couple who are not really in a fight, and certainly still in love but just not talking right now.
          My time on bed rest is coming to an end, Lent has begun and I am feeling better. Slowly but surely I am talking to Him again, and I have the faith this was all for a reason but like Mother Teresa has said ; " If this is how He treats His best friends I wish He had more".....

The doldrums

    I am bored. Life ,right now anyway, is boring. I have no creative thoughts. I started to paint the bathroom , I painted it white. It looks like we bath in a mental hospital from the 30's.  I need color, spring time color. I want to see the tulips poke from the ground, the buds of green grass forcing their way through left over snow. I feel like a vacation is in order, however we can't afford one. The only bit of warm air I can afford is when our heat decides to pop on. Which is normally 4am while I am fast asleep under a mountain of blankets. I have to throw the blankets off, jump from our bed in a rage. There is something about being too hot while sleeping that causes a violent reaction in me, I am sure my husband loves it!
    Aside from a brief stomach bug life as we know it has consisted of saving ever penny we can, watching endless hours of trash TV , like the Vampire Diaries, to the point where I dream about the characters and the occasional friendly face. I hate this time of year. I always have visions of sugar plums, snow storms, baking cookies, hot cocoa by the fire but in reality its bittter cold, my coat is ripped and has no buttons, we have little to no money and we are stuck in a condo worth half what we paid.
  Here is my plea, help me Lord be less of a cry baby, help me learn to love all things and at all times no matter what. Help me to be more like Mary, Oh and please, help me afford a new coat!


 

The reality of sadness

I had a miscarriage. I am fine and so is my husband, yet I spent the last few weeks feeling like something was missing. As I found out what was happening I felt as if my body was betraying me. I wanted to shake myself, explain to my body that we are on the same team, she can't go making plans for us that I don't agree with. I felt this disconnected sense of reality, like I was watching this happen to someone else. I felt sorrow for "her" but didn't know how to help. My mantra of " this is God's will, your just a vessel" rang through my head every 3 minutes as I lay on our tiny leather love seat watching hours of mindless movies. I had no power, my doctor had no power. I was nothing more than a broken vessel.
 A few weeks have passed and the shock has worn off. I have stopped crying and started talking to my doctors. Apparently the most recent advances in early pregnancy miscarriages are slim. I was instructed to let my self heal and try again, if I had 2 more miscarriages then the Doctor would look into why and what can be done. Two more,this is the marvel of modern medicine, just wait and see? Yet I have no choice, I could do a million charts and take my temperature every 8 hours or I can do nothing. We've decided to do nothing. After much prayer and talking it over with my husband we have decided to in fact, trust God. This may be the scariest thing I have ever done but it feels oddly right.
 I realized it is not up to me to control this, I had no control as God took that life so why should I think I have any now? I feel humbled and yet grateful for a God that loves me so much He will take care of me. I don't need to worry, if it is His will we will have children and if it is not, then we need to trust He has a better plan for us. It is a little like walking into a cave without a light, food, cellphone, map, matches and a tent. Exhilarating and terrifying but here we go.