The overwhelmingly rewarding job of Consoling the Heart of Jesus

A seminarian friend of mine recently saved my life. Not in the way you would think, I was not trapped in a car or in a burning building literally, but spiritual I was a mess. Spiritually I was in a car on fire in a building on fire under water drowning and again on fire. However God is merciful and he sent my friend to me in the nick of time. I was sitting in adoration not talking to God but having more of a childish arms crossed stare off with him when my friend entered.He gave me a soft knowing smile and handed me a very large book. It was a do it yourself retreat, inspired by the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius entitled,  Consoling the Heart of Jesus, http://thedivinemercy.org/chj/ I have to admit it was a bit funny that I was handed a do-it -yourself book considering I had been trying to "do it myself" and was not getting very far. The missing component just happened to be , Jesus. So, here I was " doing it myself" like so many of us do and forgetting to stop and ask Him for directions. Nevertheless, I received this book and opened it with a mix of emotions. I did not know where this retreat was going to take me, but I knew I needed a change somehow. I have not yet finished this retreat but I want to share something I read this morning in adoration with you all. I was surprised when I read this, shocked even. After reading it I got to my knees and begged for forgiveness that I did not even know I needed to ask for before these simple paragraphs."...Briefly there is a pause in the violence as the priest and elders discuss among themselves the best way to condemn Jesus to death. In the flickering light of torches you see the deep sorrow on the Lord's sullied face. As you contemplate his downcast countenance, his already closed eyelids suddenly tighten and his brown stiffens. A faint groan issues from his mouth, and it looks like he's about to fall over. You ask him what's the matter my Lord? What just happened? Without looking up , he whispers, My friend Peter just denied me three times. This brief meditation may help us to understand better the sensitivity of the Lord's Heart. For what wounds him most is, indeed, when those closest to him reject him and don't trust him. So what hurts the Lord most? Was it the nails that were driven into his wrist and feet? Or was it the sight through his supernatural vision of serious sins such as adultery and murder? Surely , seeing such sins would have pierced Jesus' Heart. It may come as a surprise , however, that such sins don't seem to be the ones that hurt him most. What hurts him most is the sin of distrust, that is, when people don't trust in his merciful love, especially when its those closest to him. That may sound strange at first. After all sins involving sex or violence tend to capture our attention most....." I hope this passage was as helpful to you as it was for me. I have spent so much time focusing on the sin and not on how it affect Jesus. I have over looked my distrust and rejection of him within my sins and that is something I never want to do again

Hell or High Water

I must have a hole somewhere in my brain where all the information concerning my faith slips out late at night like a teenage girl going to meet a boy. I know what I believe in and more importantly I believe what I believe in yet time and time again I push it off to the side tuck it all in a neat little cupboard and act as if I am someone else. Is this human nature? Or the bigger question I am just a self centered jerk? Both may be true. However it is not an excuse to do as I please, I have written time and time again on how I need to over come these things, be better then my best and actually follow what I believe in. Yet just as often I do the opposite and hurt my Father. I am tired of this hamster wheel! I am tired of feeling down and eating my emotions, gaining weight being too tired or depressed to pray, I am tired of crawling back to Him on my knees bloody and bruised asking forgiveness. How about do not do anything to be " I am sorry" for. I forget that my soul is much like my body and it too gets out of shape. I need to take it to the "gym" work it out and burn off a few bad things. I need to keep in my mind, that sin is like lard for the soul, it does nothing but slow it down and kill you. This is not rocket science I know all these things, and maybe it will be a life long struggle to keep my head above water, but the one thing that never changes is my will to do it. No matter how beaten bruised bloody and torn I am , I must fight this fight come hell or high water.

Your souls gone old and rusty

There is a line in one of my favorite songs it goes "Your souls gone old and rusty". I love this line and hate it all at once. I love it bc its smart and gives great visuals but I hate it bc its true. My soul has from time to time went old and rusty,like a spoon forgotten in the yard all summer . You stumble on it after the first big snow fall and are surprised by the familiar yet unexpected object. As many of you know I go in an out spiritually, the ability to stay focused on God and His love is not a strong suit of mine. Recently I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, I have known this person for maybe eight years. She was there when I did a lot of bad things and thought religion was nice and all but not for me. We have had a bumpy road bc of my conversion but we still chat now and again and maintain a friendship. Our conversation today was about drug use. My point is why do them? If you feel you will never live without some type of substance in your life then is that not a door way to a bigger problem ? Her response was that everyone has demons and a lot of times you form dependencies bc of them. I mentally posed the question of  is it demons or vices and is there a difference. However at this point the conversation ended maybe bc we both knew if it went on we would have another bumpy patch of hurt feelings and judgements that neither of us wanted. But my question remained swirling in my head. I then drew the line from that conversation to my own current spiritual state. To insure I do not let those old demons of my own come back in to trash my soul and push me into a darker place I need to do some maintenance. I need to get into adoration and keep fighting the fight. I truly believe God made me for a reason even if it's just to love Him daily.  I want to draw a clear line among having demons and the demons having me. Because at the end of the day we all have them, and they are there ready and waiting to come into our minds and souls and get comfy the question is can you face them? Are you ready to do the work needed to over come them and if not ,why?

New roads Old cars.

As most of you know I am a nanny. I work with a great family that will be moving in less then a month. I am heart broken and looking for other work. I have come to find that the situation I am in is unlike any other. A lot of the families I have interviewed with have been lets just say different. I come from a large close family so maybe that hinders my view on family life. I am having a hard time going to these interviews and not being judgmental. I am trying to just give this gift of love to a family whom I feel is a right match however that is not as easy as it seems. With all this taking place all I keep thinking is that I do not want to do this anymore. I want to be a care taker but a care taker of my own children. I want to be the one who is cried for through out the day, who is missed  at nap time. I am guessing these are normal woman emotions , a hangover from my ticking clock. I still do not know what is going to happen for summer work and as usual I am still confused on my vocation but it does give me peace to know there is something coming, even if I do not know what that is. I can take rest in the fact that changes is going to come good or bad.

Stop and smell the flowers Shannon!

Every day I drive to Lawrence to spend 4-6 hours with two of the sweetest, loving children I have ever met. Today was like any other day expect William and I had to run to the store. While there we took a little trip to the land of bread for a treat and some alone time. This little stop was the high light of my day. Just sitting and talking to him over coffee and a sticky bun was so much fun. It made me slow down, take a second. I realized I have known this little guy since birth and now fast approaching not only his 2nd birthday but the families move to another state had me feeling sad and a tad lonesome. I love this family, they have been a constant support to me in prayers and love. They are a dream family to work for and I know I will never find another one like them. I know I have made life long friends. So as I think of all these things allowing myself to stop and just soak in these moments with this amazing little man, we begin to walk to the car. William stops cold and says " stop and smell the flowers with me, Shannon'. My heart stopped , I am sure we have done this a hundred times but today it had more meaning, today it was a nudge from the Holy Spirit telling me to embrace this moment that God was giving me, not to let the world over take me but just to stop and smell the flowers.

Pride will tear us apart, Love will set us apart

Pride. I have written about it before. It is something that I struggle with. The more I think about why I am so prideful the more I go back into that deep dark cave inside my mind called , childhood. Currently in life my new favorite thing is blaming my childhood on why I am so prideful, stubborn and selfish. As some of you know I was an only child for 13 years, my mother had me very young and we grew together more as sisters then mother and daughter. This caused a ripple affect in our relationship. Forever now I see her as a sister, as a young silly girl who I want to never be like. Funny thing about that is I am more like her as the seconds pass then I like to admit. We are all like our mothers at some point, but my question is, is that a bad thing? The Catholic Church teaches that Mary is our mother. She was handed over to us by her Son, our Lord. So if we are all like our mothers shouldn't we look at who our mother is and strive to become like her? My pride and my mom's pride is something that seems to be imbedded in our family. We all have it. It is a poison that runs deep and last long. I truly believe this is due to the hard times we have all experienced separately. The struggles and trials that we endured with no one by our sides due to our Godless up bringing. Those moments of pain and challenge caused us all to have this swollen misplaced righteousness. However is not seeing that the first step to repairing it? I know there is a cure for this pride and it is prayer. I should not be ashamed to be like my mother, as long as I am being like the right one. Obviously this is a journey as all things are with God and I am going to have to trek through many other erie waters before I find my home , but there is a peace knowing I have a home and a mother to come home to.

Life after the retreat

Recently I had the pleasure of spending the day at a women's retreat. The priest was http://www.fatherangelus.com/. He is a wonderful priest and I was excited to spend the day listening to his thoughtful words. I went into this retreat with an open heart. I did not know the topics he was to talk about, all I wanted was to take notes listen and pray God gave me some grace to get out of this funk I have described in previous posts. So did He? Yes, but in His way, not mine. I enjoyed all the things Father said. I was happy to be there and felt very peaceful, however what I was more excited about was to have a confession with him. It seemed he knew things about me that I have not told and I left with a complete sense that I just spoke to my King through this man. I truly believe this is what confession is intended to be like every time, however I think we let ourselves ruin that from time to time. Confession becomes a habit , we rattle off our sins and forget that it is not just our priest in there with us but Christ Himself here to listen and forgive us. So there I am in line for confession , I get inside and it is like he has a secret for me and only me and I cannot wait to hear it. We have a beautiful confession , again there were moments where he spoke as if he knew what was in my soul before I said it. I truly think that prayer was answered that day, and I am thankful for that. Yet it is hard when you start to see God's work in your life, He does not always answer prayers the way you would like. So today a few days after my retreat and back into reality I am praying for that peace again. I am asking for the grace to be patient and understanding while God helps me work out this mess. I guess what I am saying is that God works in ways I will not ever understand and I should take those moments of peace He offers during my days and remember them when I am lost and confused about this life. This is not an easy task but sometimes He gives me help with beautiful retreats with His closest friends