Dark and Twisty

I am dark and twisty... I am cynical and angry... I am on fire with disdain, fear, emotion and pain. These current feelings have been causing me to be less than charitable, less than a good friend. I am not normally someone who has a lot of self pity, I actually dislike women who run around with the " oh poor me" attitude. I am sure there this some kind of link in my brain among emotions and being weak. However recently I have been more compassionate towards my "poor me" sisters. I  have no desire to be social, I am having a hard time seeing pregnant women in public. I am feeling sorry for myself, and I hate it. I loathe how I am feeling, I have disdain for the water coming from my eyes, I want to scream at the people who want to hug me and tell me it is all okay and God has a plan... I know that, I get it, God has a plan, I am just a piece in a puzzle, be thankful for His love and grace...blah blah blah, these poor loving souls who just want to help me , I want them to just, please, shut up!  I also am not responding to the " suck it up kid, bad things happen every day" attitude.  That just makes me want to hit someone. I am left feeling like I do not belong, like I don't have a category to place myself in. I am so wrapped up in this I can't see my way out. I am normally a firm believer in the idea that when you feel sorry for yourself your too close to yourself and need to do charity for others. I want to be charitable I want to do for others but all I have been able to muster was helping with the Soup night at our Church. Even now writing this i feel self indulgent and ridiculous. I am asking you my dear loving friends, pray for me. I know God's love, I have felt it, I know He is here and I trust I will get out of this but right now, I can't see the forest through the trees , I am lost in this dark and twisty place and I really want to go Home.

Calvary and beyond!

Hello blogging world. It has been awhile since my last post, let me first start by saying I am sorry for the delay and now let me explain my absents .....

         On feb3rd, two days before my husbands 31st birthday I was taken into the hospital for emergency surgery. It turns out, after our miscarriage I became pregnant again but the pregnancy was tubal. The tube had burst killing the child and making that tube unusable. I had a belly full of blood and was fading fast. After a long four hour surgery I was taken into recovery. In the hospital they let you sit in recovery until you've woken up and then your pushed along into a room. I had to laugh at the idea that my recovery consisted of 67 minutes in a dark room. In reality it has been four weeks and I presume my doctor will have more restrictions for me soon.
     The physical part of this is frustrating, not being able to walk or sit or stand ,being trapped in my house BC we happen to live in a 5th floor walk up and I can't do steps. Yet the physical is nothing compared to the emotional. I've had moments of sobbing suddenly, heaving in my chest , complete break down. Then I had other moments of empty. Just staring at a screen for days on end, little conversation with my husband or others. I have not had the desire to pray at all. It is not that  I am mad at God, I am not walking around screaming WHY ME? I know why me, BC I am willing. I am willing to let God run this show and if that means pain and suffering ,well then okay. Yet at the same time I am not anxious to have a conversation with Him. I keep thinking of it as a marriage , God and I are a couple who are not really in a fight, and certainly still in love but just not talking right now.
          My time on bed rest is coming to an end, Lent has begun and I am feeling better. Slowly but surely I am talking to Him again, and I have the faith this was all for a reason but like Mother Teresa has said ; " If this is how He treats His best friends I wish He had more".....

The doldrums

    I am bored. Life ,right now anyway, is boring. I have no creative thoughts. I started to paint the bathroom , I painted it white. It looks like we bath in a mental hospital from the 30's.  I need color, spring time color. I want to see the tulips poke from the ground, the buds of green grass forcing their way through left over snow. I feel like a vacation is in order, however we can't afford one. The only bit of warm air I can afford is when our heat decides to pop on. Which is normally 4am while I am fast asleep under a mountain of blankets. I have to throw the blankets off, jump from our bed in a rage. There is something about being too hot while sleeping that causes a violent reaction in me, I am sure my husband loves it!
    Aside from a brief stomach bug life as we know it has consisted of saving ever penny we can, watching endless hours of trash TV , like the Vampire Diaries, to the point where I dream about the characters and the occasional friendly face. I hate this time of year. I always have visions of sugar plums, snow storms, baking cookies, hot cocoa by the fire but in reality its bittter cold, my coat is ripped and has no buttons, we have little to no money and we are stuck in a condo worth half what we paid.
  Here is my plea, help me Lord be less of a cry baby, help me learn to love all things and at all times no matter what. Help me to be more like Mary, Oh and please, help me afford a new coat!


 

The reality of sadness

I had a miscarriage. I am fine and so is my husband, yet I spent the last few weeks feeling like something was missing. As I found out what was happening I felt as if my body was betraying me. I wanted to shake myself, explain to my body that we are on the same team, she can't go making plans for us that I don't agree with. I felt this disconnected sense of reality, like I was watching this happen to someone else. I felt sorrow for "her" but didn't know how to help. My mantra of " this is God's will, your just a vessel" rang through my head every 3 minutes as I lay on our tiny leather love seat watching hours of mindless movies. I had no power, my doctor had no power. I was nothing more than a broken vessel.
 A few weeks have passed and the shock has worn off. I have stopped crying and started talking to my doctors. Apparently the most recent advances in early pregnancy miscarriages are slim. I was instructed to let my self heal and try again, if I had 2 more miscarriages then the Doctor would look into why and what can be done. Two more,this is the marvel of modern medicine, just wait and see? Yet I have no choice, I could do a million charts and take my temperature every 8 hours or I can do nothing. We've decided to do nothing. After much prayer and talking it over with my husband we have decided to in fact, trust God. This may be the scariest thing I have ever done but it feels oddly right.
 I realized it is not up to me to control this, I had no control as God took that life so why should I think I have any now? I feel humbled and yet grateful for a God that loves me so much He will take care of me. I don't need to worry, if it is His will we will have children and if it is not, then we need to trust He has a better plan for us. It is a little like walking into a cave without a light, food, cellphone, map, matches and a tent. Exhilarating and terrifying but here we go.

The beast is back

Its been awhile. I am newly married and that is the extent of my excuse, my Catholic friends will understand my lack of interest in the computer screen. Instead of going on about what has been happening these past few months and throwing in a joke to keep you amused I will skip the recap and go into a new topic.

 FARMS. I want one , no, crave one. I grew up with a bit of land but no chickens to peck at my feet, no horse to rub my neck and beg for a ride. Therefore I had to create this fantasy life in my head, right down to the lack of manure and 4 am milking. Recently I have decided to save our little house some money by making some of the things we normally buy. I was given a copy of Make the bread buy the Butter for Christmas (www.thetipsybaker.com) Flipping through the pages I was reminding of my dreams of having land that my kids could roam around on, chickens to peck at them and ducks to chase me down the lane screaming into the house like they did to my Grandmother when they raises ducks.  Is this a dream that I can make a reality? No, not right now anyway. At the moment we are in a 5th floor walk up where I can barely keep basil alive. Yet the dream still calls to me, finger nail beds covered in dirt as I dig around for potatoes and carrots. Maybe one day we will be able to have a bit if land, some of God's amazing creatures rooming around but for now I will stick to cultivating my words to you and less on our future sprouts. 

It is good to be back, now lets get down to business.

           Hello dear friends! I was sitting here thinking of all the things I could say to you to explain my long absence but then I realized Id be a big fat liar and that is not what blogging is about, not for me anyway. In truth I have just been lazy, well, lazy and busy. As most of you know my boyfriend proposed on Easter Sunday , here we are seven months later and we are rounding the corner to our wedding date. Even writing that makes me nervous. You see we have not had the "easiest " of relationships. If you've followed this blog you know we have broken up ,struggled to communicate and had issues with one anothers past. I wish I could say all that is gone and we are mounting our horses to ride off into the sunset, but I told you I am not a big fat liar.
   Apparently marriage is hard. That is part of what we learned at pre-canna last weekend. We heard from some amazing couples who have seen it and done it all. They guided us through the pitfalls of not communicating , of communicating too much, sex, money, pride and children. They were all amazing and I can say we really did learn something. However I felt there was one thing lacking in that weekend of informational bliss ,what about the nerves???!!?? I am left to believe no one is nervous before they join themselves to another for life, again a big fat lie. So I took to my trusty laptop to find the answers, I ordered books from amazon about marriage, prayer, being a groom, being a bride, and I got nothing. Nothing good that is, all I found were either horror stories or rosy tales of love and bliss. I find it hard to believe that it is so black and white.
       I want the truth, I want to hear the stories I can relate to. I need to know that you freaked out when you went wedding band shopping bc the experience was surreal or that not daily but occasionally the reality of it all  set in and maybe it made it hard to breath for a few beats. I do not want to hear how you left you're blushing bride at the altar or that bc you were nervous you and your boys had a little too much fun with a certain lady named ,Kandy at you bachelor party! I just want the real deal ! I want to know what it was like for other, practicing , in love, kinda scared couples! So I am calling on you blogging world, fill me in! What was your engagement period like, were you nervous, did you cry , did the thought of being Mr. or Mrs. make you gitty and scared all at once? Help a girl out, friends.

Be careful what you pray for?

I came across this news report, and although I am not sure how I feel about praying for money, I do find it funny that God would covert this man in this way...


http://www.christianpost.com/news/atheist-converts-after-mock-prayer-to-win-1m-lottery-is-answered-50600/