Trying something new

Friends,
  I am trying something new with my blog. I will still be posting here now and then but I have started a blog focusing on our (in)fertility ; www.chasingsaintgerard.blogspot.com  . Please hope over, take a look maybe even pass it along if you like it. As always I am praying for you and yours .
  Love and Blessings,
   Shannon 

Purgatory or Permanent

           The past 6 months have been a roller coaster.. I have had miscarriages, surgery, a broken foot, all these things ended up in a nervous breakdown. I was having panic attacks, sleepless nights, returning to my job as a nanny sent me into a spiral. After praying with my husband we decided I should not return to work. This was no easy choice, I was deeply saddened about leaving the family I cared for. I was scared about the financial aspect, but in the end I had to trust that God was going to care for us if this was His will.
       After I turned in my notice God did bless us. Very much like a loving parents He made sure we had enough money in the bank, He lined up some freelance work for my husband and He sent me a call from my beloved spiritual director. I started to dig in, work out these feelings and what I have learned so far is that I am small. Small, selfish, spoiled and greedy. I want what I want, and even if I discern and get an answer other than my desire I still push it. I have heard from so many that they too feel this way , do these things ,but it still annoys me about myself.
      I desperately want to spend this time I have been given properly. Yet I am not sure what properly means yet. I have this overwhelming feeling that I am to be a blessing to others, of course my mind jumps right to how, when, where, with whom?? However, I do not think it is for me to know yet. My husband and I also have a feeling that whatever God does decide to show us may not come with a pay check. We are surprisingly okay with this, I am thanking the Sacramental Graces for that one!
        I guess what I have taken the most from these past 6 months is that we have no control. We do not call the shots, He does. We can plan and force and drive our wills all we want but in the end if we are open in our hearts to doing God's will He will make sure that happens. This thought was ringing true to me on two occasions. One was when my cycle began this month and there was no joy of life coming into our little home just yet. Oh and side note, I know we have time, I know we do not need to rush but being reminded of that only reminds me of how little time here we actually have. The second time was when a friend of mine was sharing her plans for the next year, she and her husband wanted to travel and grow the numbers in their bank account and on the face of it those things are not bad but my heart broke a little. I see this beautiful couple and I want them to have what we are striving for, new life. Money goes away, the memories from a trip fade, pictures get lost. The only thing tangible, real, is Life.    My prayer is that one day I can be thankful and peaceful for however God decides to send that Life to us.
       
 
  

Gracefully Graceless

      Good news, I am no longer dark and twisty. After my last post I went to adoration, confession and Mass. I left feeling light as air, I felt like my problems were well under way of being taken care of. That being said, my husband and I decided to have a "care free weekend". One day I bought him this , I love you book of coupons, at any time either of us may invoke a coupon. I chose the fun weekend thinking we would go to dinner, see a friend, be silly , laugh , pray together ect ect... boy was I wrong.  After leaving Mass we made a plan to visit our favorite local spot, we had corned beef reubens for dinner, a friend came to dine with us after much laughter we went back to our friends new apartment to see the space. We stayed and chatted for a few hours, I ate ice cream and breathed a little easier due to our "fun weekend". It was getting late and we had to walk home so we kissed our goodbyes and headed for her back door. Our friend lives on top of a larger building her back door opens to a long trail of wooden deck stairs. We started down making a passing comment about how there is no light and the landlord should remedy that. Moments later I stepped down thinking I reached the landing but I actually missed three steps. I tumbled and landed on my right foot. I screamed out , only half from the pain and half from knowing something was broken and again I was going to be "useless" .
        My husband and friend helped me down the steps and into her car. I went to bed crying out of anger and pain willing my feet to be well. In the morning I got up , I slowly placed my feet on the floor , I tried to stand, back down I went. I would say this is the point where the stage of denial kicked in, I refused to believe this was happening. My husband got up helped me get dressed and we made our way to the emergency center. A few X-rays some friendly banter and a soft cast later I learned I broke my 5th metatarsal . The tall sad looking doctor informed me I would need to keep the cast on and walk on the foot as little as possible. Because it is my right foot I cannot drive, and the recovery time would be, drum roll please, 6-8 weeks! I laughed out loud when I heard that! Didn't I just get back to work from a seven week recovery after surgery? Yes folk ,yes I did. So this begs the question; What is God trying to do here, make me insane? Well, no, I do not think so. I think He is trying to teach us trust. My husband has to care for me, I have to let him, our families have to trust that we will be okay and provide for ourselves in this tough time and ultimately we all have to trust God. I am doing surprisingly well with it. At first I though I would be insane, housebound and crazy but I am peaceful, thankful even! I have time to blog, to pray, I get 40 plus days in the desert!!That my friends, is exciting. In the end I am still in need of prayer, I am still learning to let my husband do things for me, I am still frustrated when I can't shower with out being held up. However,  I am at peace that God has a plan here and I am trying to be a willing soul to His Word. So in this last "leg of lent" I ask you dear Father to mold me, to use me, to help me be the graceful daughter you created. 

Dark and Twisty

I am dark and twisty... I am cynical and angry... I am on fire with disdain, fear, emotion and pain. These current feelings have been causing me to be less than charitable, less than a good friend. I am not normally someone who has a lot of self pity, I actually dislike women who run around with the " oh poor me" attitude. I am sure there this some kind of link in my brain among emotions and being weak. However recently I have been more compassionate towards my "poor me" sisters. I  have no desire to be social, I am having a hard time seeing pregnant women in public. I am feeling sorry for myself, and I hate it. I loathe how I am feeling, I have disdain for the water coming from my eyes, I want to scream at the people who want to hug me and tell me it is all okay and God has a plan... I know that, I get it, God has a plan, I am just a piece in a puzzle, be thankful for His love and grace...blah blah blah, these poor loving souls who just want to help me , I want them to just, please, shut up!  I also am not responding to the " suck it up kid, bad things happen every day" attitude.  That just makes me want to hit someone. I am left feeling like I do not belong, like I don't have a category to place myself in. I am so wrapped up in this I can't see my way out. I am normally a firm believer in the idea that when you feel sorry for yourself your too close to yourself and need to do charity for others. I want to be charitable I want to do for others but all I have been able to muster was helping with the Soup night at our Church. Even now writing this i feel self indulgent and ridiculous. I am asking you my dear loving friends, pray for me. I know God's love, I have felt it, I know He is here and I trust I will get out of this but right now, I can't see the forest through the trees , I am lost in this dark and twisty place and I really want to go Home.

Calvary and beyond!

Hello blogging world. It has been awhile since my last post, let me first start by saying I am sorry for the delay and now let me explain my absents .....

         On feb3rd, two days before my husbands 31st birthday I was taken into the hospital for emergency surgery. It turns out, after our miscarriage I became pregnant again but the pregnancy was tubal. The tube had burst killing the child and making that tube unusable. I had a belly full of blood and was fading fast. After a long four hour surgery I was taken into recovery. In the hospital they let you sit in recovery until you've woken up and then your pushed along into a room. I had to laugh at the idea that my recovery consisted of 67 minutes in a dark room. In reality it has been four weeks and I presume my doctor will have more restrictions for me soon.
     The physical part of this is frustrating, not being able to walk or sit or stand ,being trapped in my house BC we happen to live in a 5th floor walk up and I can't do steps. Yet the physical is nothing compared to the emotional. I've had moments of sobbing suddenly, heaving in my chest , complete break down. Then I had other moments of empty. Just staring at a screen for days on end, little conversation with my husband or others. I have not had the desire to pray at all. It is not that  I am mad at God, I am not walking around screaming WHY ME? I know why me, BC I am willing. I am willing to let God run this show and if that means pain and suffering ,well then okay. Yet at the same time I am not anxious to have a conversation with Him. I keep thinking of it as a marriage , God and I are a couple who are not really in a fight, and certainly still in love but just not talking right now.
          My time on bed rest is coming to an end, Lent has begun and I am feeling better. Slowly but surely I am talking to Him again, and I have the faith this was all for a reason but like Mother Teresa has said ; " If this is how He treats His best friends I wish He had more".....

The doldrums

    I am bored. Life ,right now anyway, is boring. I have no creative thoughts. I started to paint the bathroom , I painted it white. It looks like we bath in a mental hospital from the 30's.  I need color, spring time color. I want to see the tulips poke from the ground, the buds of green grass forcing their way through left over snow. I feel like a vacation is in order, however we can't afford one. The only bit of warm air I can afford is when our heat decides to pop on. Which is normally 4am while I am fast asleep under a mountain of blankets. I have to throw the blankets off, jump from our bed in a rage. There is something about being too hot while sleeping that causes a violent reaction in me, I am sure my husband loves it!
    Aside from a brief stomach bug life as we know it has consisted of saving ever penny we can, watching endless hours of trash TV , like the Vampire Diaries, to the point where I dream about the characters and the occasional friendly face. I hate this time of year. I always have visions of sugar plums, snow storms, baking cookies, hot cocoa by the fire but in reality its bittter cold, my coat is ripped and has no buttons, we have little to no money and we are stuck in a condo worth half what we paid.
  Here is my plea, help me Lord be less of a cry baby, help me learn to love all things and at all times no matter what. Help me to be more like Mary, Oh and please, help me afford a new coat!


 

The reality of sadness

I had a miscarriage. I am fine and so is my husband, yet I spent the last few weeks feeling like something was missing. As I found out what was happening I felt as if my body was betraying me. I wanted to shake myself, explain to my body that we are on the same team, she can't go making plans for us that I don't agree with. I felt this disconnected sense of reality, like I was watching this happen to someone else. I felt sorrow for "her" but didn't know how to help. My mantra of " this is God's will, your just a vessel" rang through my head every 3 minutes as I lay on our tiny leather love seat watching hours of mindless movies. I had no power, my doctor had no power. I was nothing more than a broken vessel.
 A few weeks have passed and the shock has worn off. I have stopped crying and started talking to my doctors. Apparently the most recent advances in early pregnancy miscarriages are slim. I was instructed to let my self heal and try again, if I had 2 more miscarriages then the Doctor would look into why and what can be done. Two more,this is the marvel of modern medicine, just wait and see? Yet I have no choice, I could do a million charts and take my temperature every 8 hours or I can do nothing. We've decided to do nothing. After much prayer and talking it over with my husband we have decided to in fact, trust God. This may be the scariest thing I have ever done but it feels oddly right.
 I realized it is not up to me to control this, I had no control as God took that life so why should I think I have any now? I feel humbled and yet grateful for a God that loves me so much He will take care of me. I don't need to worry, if it is His will we will have children and if it is not, then we need to trust He has a better plan for us. It is a little like walking into a cave without a light, food, cellphone, map, matches and a tent. Exhilarating and terrifying but here we go.

The beast is back

Its been awhile. I am newly married and that is the extent of my excuse, my Catholic friends will understand my lack of interest in the computer screen. Instead of going on about what has been happening these past few months and throwing in a joke to keep you amused I will skip the recap and go into a new topic.

 FARMS. I want one , no, crave one. I grew up with a bit of land but no chickens to peck at my feet, no horse to rub my neck and beg for a ride. Therefore I had to create this fantasy life in my head, right down to the lack of manure and 4 am milking. Recently I have decided to save our little house some money by making some of the things we normally buy. I was given a copy of Make the bread buy the Butter for Christmas (www.thetipsybaker.com) Flipping through the pages I was reminding of my dreams of having land that my kids could roam around on, chickens to peck at them and ducks to chase me down the lane screaming into the house like they did to my Grandmother when they raises ducks.  Is this a dream that I can make a reality? No, not right now anyway. At the moment we are in a 5th floor walk up where I can barely keep basil alive. Yet the dream still calls to me, finger nail beds covered in dirt as I dig around for potatoes and carrots. Maybe one day we will be able to have a bit if land, some of God's amazing creatures rooming around but for now I will stick to cultivating my words to you and less on our future sprouts. 

It is good to be back, now lets get down to business.

           Hello dear friends! I was sitting here thinking of all the things I could say to you to explain my long absence but then I realized Id be a big fat liar and that is not what blogging is about, not for me anyway. In truth I have just been lazy, well, lazy and busy. As most of you know my boyfriend proposed on Easter Sunday , here we are seven months later and we are rounding the corner to our wedding date. Even writing that makes me nervous. You see we have not had the "easiest " of relationships. If you've followed this blog you know we have broken up ,struggled to communicate and had issues with one anothers past. I wish I could say all that is gone and we are mounting our horses to ride off into the sunset, but I told you I am not a big fat liar.
   Apparently marriage is hard. That is part of what we learned at pre-canna last weekend. We heard from some amazing couples who have seen it and done it all. They guided us through the pitfalls of not communicating , of communicating too much, sex, money, pride and children. They were all amazing and I can say we really did learn something. However I felt there was one thing lacking in that weekend of informational bliss ,what about the nerves???!!?? I am left to believe no one is nervous before they join themselves to another for life, again a big fat lie. So I took to my trusty laptop to find the answers, I ordered books from amazon about marriage, prayer, being a groom, being a bride, and I got nothing. Nothing good that is, all I found were either horror stories or rosy tales of love and bliss. I find it hard to believe that it is so black and white.
       I want the truth, I want to hear the stories I can relate to. I need to know that you freaked out when you went wedding band shopping bc the experience was surreal or that not daily but occasionally the reality of it all  set in and maybe it made it hard to breath for a few beats. I do not want to hear how you left you're blushing bride at the altar or that bc you were nervous you and your boys had a little too much fun with a certain lady named ,Kandy at you bachelor party! I just want the real deal ! I want to know what it was like for other, practicing , in love, kinda scared couples! So I am calling on you blogging world, fill me in! What was your engagement period like, were you nervous, did you cry , did the thought of being Mr. or Mrs. make you gitty and scared all at once? Help a girl out, friends.

Be careful what you pray for?

I came across this news report, and although I am not sure how I feel about praying for money, I do find it funny that God would covert this man in this way...


http://www.christianpost.com/news/atheist-converts-after-mock-prayer-to-win-1m-lottery-is-answered-50600/

When your past haunts your future

It has been awhile since I last posted something here. I am sorry for the uncalled for leave of absents.
A lot has been changing in my world and like most of you would expect I am poorly coping with that change. I guess if you were reading anyone else's blog the news of their engagement would be happy news. Well you are not reading someone else blog you're reading mine and with most things in my life pain follows happiness. I feel like I am in the middle of a spiritual battle, one I was not prepared for. After our engagement all was well, we were happy and excited then the fear set in. Our we doing the right thing, is this God's will, what if we hate each other, what if he cant find more work. I was haunted with what if syndrome, something I hate with ever fiber of my being. All I wanted to do is scream , stomp my feet and yell at God like a child to her Father, THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!! However I thought that may be sending the wrong message, instead I prayed. I went to Mass, I said my rosary, I spent time in adoration. I repeated Jesus I trust in You over and over. Then the fear went away, for me at least. My partner is still wrapped in his fear looking for the exit. Should this scare me? I do not think so, here is why; I trust in God. Simple and matter of fact. I know He led me here, I feel Him urging me to keep going, just a little longer, to keep fighting. I recently came across the idea that when you are open to doing God's will the more you will be spiritually attacked. The closer you get to achieving God's will the more the evil things playing on your weakness will taunt you. I do not know what comes next but I do know I trust in Him and no matter what happens, I am loved.

When I do not feel like being Christian

I yelled at the cashier in Acme the other day. I was having a few rough days and for some reason prayer was not snapping me out of it like normal. The night before at our weekly prayer group I actually used the F word. What is wrong with me! That answer is not a short one and not really going to give us any break through. In short, I am a person. I am prone to moods that are less than desirable. It is all about how I choose to navigate through those moods that matter. Do I take the calm loving Jesus approach? Yes I should but I do not always. Sometimes I tell the cashier that if he is not going to do his job correctly he should find a new job. Sometimes I am short with my Aunt when there is no real reason to be. None of this makes me the worst person but none of it makes me a  better one either. I have put a lot of work into myself the past few years and in moments like I just mentioned all that work looses credibility.  As a Catholic Christian I am called to be like Jesus, no matter if the person next to me is rude or I have not slept. I am called to love them because He loves them. I have come to see this is one of my Lenten lessons. I need to be more charitable, loving, compassionate, flexible. I need to live the Gospel in yet another way, loving my neighbor. This has been a great Lent so far and I am grateful and happy to learn these lessons. I know I will be learning them for many many years, and most likely reviewing them in purgatory, but I am happy to do it, joyful even. I am so pleased to know that God still loves me, no matter how crabby I am, he still cares enough to remind me gently me, Love your neighbor as yourself.

All About the Solemnity of St. Joseph

Today is the Solemnity of St. Joseph, I tried to put into words how I feel about this amazing role model for all men, but alas I am at a loss. Instead I will insert a address for a site that gives a detailed account of his life. St. Joseph is , to me, one of the most humble, loving , kind men that ever walked this earth and I truly feel men and women can learn from him. Happy Feast Day!

http://www.churchyear.net/stjoseph

The eyes of the Lord

While getting dressed his morning I thought about the current state my life. Lent is two days away ,I am not ready, much like every year, however, I am looking foreword to it, a time of penance and prayer, but again I am not ready. I am not ready to give up sweets to pray more . I am selfish, hence why I need lent. I get so distracted with wanting things just the way I want them that I forget what God wants, or worst yet, I do not even ask Him. I wake up everyday with my own agenda powering through my day only thinking of me. This has gotten my nowhere and it took me awhile to see that. So even though I am stubborn and selfish I am going to welcome this lent. I am going to embrace this time of denial and usher in prayer and fasting. I am going to make a hardcore effort in these next 40 days to look at life through the eyes of the Lord and less through the eyes of a sinner.

To protect and serve

Recently I was speaking with a friend regarding baptism. She was expressing her confusion regarding her religious views and her dismay that her child is not baptized, if she even wants it, she is not sure how she  feels.... I sat wondering  about Our Lord's baptism  in the Jordan river, about my own and then finally about a friend of mine who was received into the church at 30 yrs of age. As I thought about the differences and similarities of all these baptisms I heard my friend warning her child about the dangers of the light socket, the danger of the staircase, the knifes in the dishwasher he managed to get open and start unloading. I thought to myself , to her , with  unclear beliefs that a baptism is no different than the loving warnings she was providing for her son right then. She would be protecting him spiritually, if in the end Christianity is right and if not, then no harm no foul, right? Well no, not really. Yes on paper fine, to the unsure  " spiritual not religious" person  a baptism is a safe bet, a net , a 401K of sorts. Yet to a Christian Catholic, a baptism is so much more. The Catholic Catechism says ;
ARTICLE 1 - THE SACRAMENT OF BAPTISM

1213 Holy Baptism is the basis of the whole Christian life, the gateway to life in the Spirit (vitae spiritualis ianua),[4] and the door which gives access to the other sacraments. Through Baptism we are freed from sin and reborn as sons of God; we become members of Christ, are incorporated into the Church and made sharers in her mission: "Baptism is the sacrament of regeneration through water in the word."[5]



In my heart when I read that it is something I desperately want to be apart of. Baptism is the door way, it leads me to be able to receive the other sacraments which will lead me to learn about my faith and then to practice it and continue to learn and grow. It will lead me to Jesus, somewhere I desperately want to be. I have heard the same old story a million times, I don't want to choose for my child , I want them to be free and figure it out for themselves. This argument annoys me. We protect our children from electric shock, falling down stairs, cutting themselves but we do not want to protect them  from the spiritual. It just doesn't  makes sense to me. What do you think friends?

The hated

This past Sunday morning was filled with sun, warmth for a change and good feelings. We were coming off of my boyfriends birthday , a wonderful night out with his family . We drove to St. Paul's church in Burlington, not our home parish but a good one at that. The readings referred to service, to evangelizing no matter what. The homily was beautiful, the priest told us how we need to pray for our brothers and sisters in the middle east. He informed us of some accounts that have happened in the past few months, men coming into a parish and opening fire on the priest and congregation ,simple bc they are Catholic ,killing many. He told us how hard these people are fighting for their faith, the same faith we share, he asked us to pray for them as well as do something if we are able. Then it was time for the consecration, the spirits of the faithful were high and we were all feeling very thankful for our lives here in America. The Communion hymn began to play, "Be not afraid " , then things changed. A man walked into the church, he made a direct line for the priest, marching up the altar and yelling at Father. Father kept his composure, as well as his senses and held Jesus in the Eucharist tightly to him. He did not stop Mass, the man yelled and screamed at the congregation how he hated all of us with a few choices words added in, then stormed out of the church. Father came down from the altar and we all stood in line, a little shell shocked , and went to receive Our Lord in Holy Communion. Thankfully the man did not return with any more hateful words or worse. But the whole experience left me shaking. Here we are not even 30 minutes after listening to Father tell us about our brothers and sisters who are being hated, attacked even killed an ocean away then suddenly we are feeling the hate right here in our sleepy little church on a side street in Burlington NJ. Our situation is nothing like what is happening in the middle east but it is startling, it is the kind of situation that calls us to live our faith even more and to learn our faith even more. My plea to all of you who read this is to please, hug your loved ones a little closer tonight, reach into that drawer and bring out those rosary's, clean off the dust and start to pray. Pray not only for our brothers and sisters around the world but for us right here at home. The priest who put their lives on the line to preach the truth and the people who live it everyday.

The lowly and the Strong

The following is the second reading from Mass last night, A letter from St. Paul:


Consider your own calling, brothers and sisters.

Not many of you were wise by human standards,
not many were powerful,
not many were of noble birth.
Rather, God chose the foolish of the world to shame the wise,
and God chose the weak of the world to shame the strong,
and God chose the lowly and despised of the world,
those who count for nothing,
to reduce to nothing those who are something,
so that no human being might boast before God.
It is due to him that you are in Christ Jesus,
who became for us wisdom from God,as well as righteousness, sanctification, and redemption,
so that, as it is written,“Whoever boasts, should boast in the Lord.”

As I sat in Mass and read the words to myself I was overcome with sadness, joy and gratitude. The lines,"God chose the foolish of the world to shame the wise,
and God chose the weak of the world to shame the strong,
and God chose the lowly and despised of the world,those who count for nothing,
to reduce to nothing those who are something,
so that no human being might boast before God."

made me think about myself and my relationship with my boyfriend.
As many of you know I was a wild child of sorts before my conversion to the Catholic faith. I ran with some crazy people, drank too much, did drugs, had little to no respect for myself or others, in short I was the lowly, the weak, the shame. Then I changed and within that time I fell in love with an amazing man. He is smart, funny, talented, loving and so much more. Sitting in Mass last night i realized just as I am the lowly, the shameful, the weak he is the strong, the wise, the something that St. Paul speaks about. As tears filled my eyes and that familiar tightness wrapped itself around my cheat I saw our relationship in a new light. I saw us both struggling to love God, to hear Him, to do what He is calling us to do and I saw us helping each other reach those goals. Pushing each other , loving each other, being brutally honest with each other all for the better of our souls. Even now I laugh that I thought I had it all figured out, I never know what God has planned and it is moments like last night in Mass  I am thankful for that. I am also thankful to have a Father who loves me and takes care of me without me even realizing it. I am also very thankful and grateful for my wonderful boyfriend. I am almost certain that my path to heaven will be lined with moments where he pushed me to be the best me I can be, and I will be eternally grateful.

Everlasting Love

What a idea.. Not really something I can wrap my brain around.. Sure I love my family , my friends my boyfriend but the thought of loving those people until the end of time is hard for me to grasp. I like to have a end date to things, I like the structure. I always envision the end of something before its beginning.. That's probably my father issues rearing their ugly head.  However that is a topic for another day as well as a expensive therapy session. Back to my original thought, Everlasting love;I was sitting in the adoration chapel this afternoon reading Bishop Sheen's book on Christ life , the first chapter talks about Christ's love for us. I have to admit reading it and being able to understand is like having a elephant sit on your chest. The pressure you then assume because you understand how much He loves you even without fully understanding is astronomical. I quickly closed the book and decided staring at the Eucharist and trying to talk to God was a better option.... This is where God's wonderful sense of humor comes in.. As I sat there talking, thinking, praying I had a song stuck in my head. To most this is not a big deal, it happens daily. The kicker here is what song.. I have not heard this song in months maybe even years but as I sat there looking up at God asking Him to help me figure my life out, be a better person, love more, help more, hear Him more, asking for the answer to how to do all those things all I could hear was "Stop right there!
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further!
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Do you love me!?
I gotta know right now
Before we go any further
Do you love me!?
Will you love me forever!?

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
I gotta know right now, Do you love me? Will you love me forever?"

Meatloaf streaming through my brain and the slight chuckle of God's laugh somewhere off in the back ground.....

The season of hope

As most of you know, Advent is upon us. The past few seasons of Advent have been filled with sorrow for me, so this year I want to start off on the right foot. I want to take these next four weeks and "walk to the manger" with baited breath and trepidation. When I started this journey I decided to look up what the Church says about Advent, this is what I found;

Advent: A Time of Preparation:

In the Catholic Church, Advent is a period of preparation, extending over four Sundays, before Christmas. The word Advent comes from the Latin advenio, "to come to," and thus refers to the coming of Christ. This refers, first of all, to our celebration of Christ's birth at Christmas; but second, to the coming of Christ in our lives through grace and the Sacrament of Holy Communion; and finally, to the Second Coming at the end of time. Our preparations, therefore, should have all three comings in mind. We need to prepare our souls to receive Christ worthily.

This definition is exactly what my sorry soul needed. I always forget that He always gives me what I need, I am just too stubborn to see that at times. I really want this season to be about hope.Hope in life, hope for the future, hope for my own soul, hope for your souls. I want to blanket myself in hope and walk with Mary this Advent season. This is all easier said then done but that is something I really want to hold myself to. It is so easy to get distracted with shopping, friends, celebrations. I want to keep my focus on the manger, on the coming that changes me every year despite my flaws. Part of the good news of this season is that no matter how badly you are beaten down this is the opportunity for change. God is coming, no matter if you are depressed to the point of not waking up in the morning, struggling with family feuds, jobless, over worked, a new parent, unable to become pregnant, tired, happy, confused, no matter what, He is coming and all we have to do is let our soul be open and He will do the rest. It takes so little to say yes to God and at the same time it takes all we have. I pray I am able to be open, able to get over my pride, anger, envy whatever it may be and be humbled by the coming of Our King in this glorious Advent season.

Respect the process.. Well the joke is on me.

I have written about "respecting the process" before. I first heard the phrase when I was going through a difficult break up. I did not know what to make of it but in time it became my motto. Recently I have been thinking about the direction my life is going. I was talking with my boyfriend regarding trying to respect the process in which we are in and learn from it day to day . It suddenly dawned on me that what I am respecting is just Gods will. I have finally started to let Him drive this crazy train! I kept telling my boyfriend to accept the way he feels and what comes his way ie; respect the process. I did not even realize I was actually telling him to just trust God. When I put these thoughts together I laughed out loud. As I posted a few blogs back I was reading a self retreat book, https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqK75ZxJKbfUktLCAAnbHA3zsbimWhec2UveWQPUg3HfCpL6NYVAxZcshCt9m56tsbY4QUe7sASO3qXGllvW84jfTwmXwg-syeZ4GSbyTPJSlEIN4trDdx6L2gFXsh1MdLXorXNIbGbSLp/s1600/jesus.jpg In that book the author describes coming to God with all your issues, all the things you want to break but just cant. He says that since Our Lord is so loving He will slowly take those issues away for you and you wont even know He is doing it. That is exactly what happened with me. I was overjoyed when I realized this, thankful beyond belief. Here I was this whole time  thinking I was trying  so hard to focus , accept , to cope in a way,  when really He was the one doing all the work! He was and is the one in control and because He is the Master of love, he has wooed me into a better place.