O come all Yee Faithful!

Christmas time is here again, This year it snuck up on me. I was consumed with things of my own life and failed to realize that Our Saviors birth was right around the corner. Maybe I just ignored it on purpose, Christmas seems to always be the time for self examination. Either we visit family and get the " why aren't you married yet" question or we are absorbed with our own life's and have to look at all we have accomplished in the last year. As most of you who read this know I have been doing that self exploration thing these past few months and really the past two years. However this Christmas is different for me, I am not upset for once, I am not sad that I did not accomplish anything, In fact I have done a lot this year. I am proud of all I have been though BC I feel like it was all organic, from God and lead by Him. Sure I put my hands in the mix a little too much but He was the one making the cake. So as this last week of Advent is here and we get out our best dresses and hats I am over joyed to start a new year in my life, because now I see, it is not just my life, it is His life too and that is the best gift of all!

Day to Day

What does God want me to do in my life? What is all of this for? I know that as a Christian I am supposed to follow Him, obey the commandments and do my best to listen to Him. But what if I am not good at that? What about when I fall and I break a commandment? As Catholics we have confession, if we put ourselves into mortal sin we should receive the sacrament of confession to once again connect us with God. But what if I still feel empty after? Does the connection we have with Our Father always have to be pulsing beneath our skin? Or like Mother Theresa can we feel hollow and empty, being called to a harder road of just trusting Him? At 24 years old I don't have the answers, I barely keep my head above water in this spiritual flood and I expect that I will feel this way for many more years, at least until I come face to face with The Father. So with all that said how do I deal from day to day? How to I push the empty feelings aside and focus on my pray life and build my relationship of faith? It is often when we do not want to pray that we should, those are the times of great trust and connection with the Holy Family. As hard as it is, I will propel myself forward and with grace into His loving arms.

The perfect family

It is almost Christmas. I used to get so excited about this time of year. The first snow fall, the smell of ginger bread, Christmas morning. I am still excited but for different reason. I understand the season better now so I can enjoy it differently. I have always had these romantic images of what Christmas would be like if I were married and had children. I was telling these thoughts to my friend the other night when I realized that my thoughts and dreams go deeper then just a pretty picture. I always imagined being at home baking cookies with a curly haired little girl while my husband and son went out in search of the perfect tree. My daughter and I would talk about what we hoped the tree would look like all along knowing that the men we love would bring us home perfection bc we trust them. I will trust in my husband with every choice bc I know he is listening to The Father. My little picture perfect world is actually not about Christmas tree's and cookie making at all. It is about the deeper bond between us and God. Its is knowing that He will never steer us wrong. He will provide for us in time of need of Christmas tree's or in the time of need of a job to support our family. He loves us so much that during this season He sent His only Son. He makes sure we are taken care of in all ways, all we have to do is trust in Him. Move froward with our life's bc we know He will be waiting.

Time

"Who says I cant take time, rewrite my history Who says I cant take time." This song lyric has been stuck in my head for a few days now.. I started thinking about the situation I am in and the purpose of time. God does not know time, it is a man made thing. So why is He calling me to put time in my life? I kept getting stuck on time. 40 days, 2 months, a year.. But then I realized time does not matter. He isn't concerned about the time, He is concerned about the work I am doing.. Am I actively working to be closer to Him, to love Him more , devote my life to Him? These thoughts refreshed me, pulled me out of the pit I was in.. It is not about time at all, it is about how much we love. Love my friends is the key. Love is what He came here to share with us, love for us is why He came in the first place. He loves us so much that He gave His life, are we willing to do the same? Throw down everything else, come to Him and start fresh. He will clean away the slate and embrace you bc He is love.

The keeper .

I am not God. I am not even close to it. I have so many flaws and imperfections but I also have the hope and prayer that I will get to go to heaven one day and all that will go away. I will be able to spend my time in consist adoration of my King. So I am 13 days into my 40 day sentence. I am a wimp as I noted in my last post. How did Jesus do this? How did He literally sit in the desert with Satan by his side and fast, pray and rebuke him? Because he is God. That's the only answer I can come up with. He is God and yet He is man and it was hard but nothing compared to what He had to go through in His passion. I am not divine, None of us are. We are sad little specks floating around trying to do the best we can. I feel like my best isn't good enough sometimes. I want to cut out my heart and hand it over to Our Lord and say Here you take it, I am done. But that is not going to happen, I can give Him my heart and soul to live in daily but I need to be open and let Him in. Words mean little, actions mean it all. God doesn't just want us to come and yes Him to death, He wants us to spring into action. Take charge and follow Him. Pick up your cross my children. While praying in adoration last night I think God spoke to me about my garden.. " The garden of Eden has not disappeared my love it has grown, are you not apart of my garden? Are not all souls mine for I created them? You say you want me to be the keeper of your heart , to come in and clear away the brush, plant the flowers of love, peace, charity and oneness yet you do not open the gate for Me. Open your gate my little girl so I may do My work." I realize He gave us free will. It is up to me to welcome Him in not just in word but in deed.

Cry baby Cry

" Remember , Shannon the Holy Spirit will give you highs and lows. Your lows will be just as intense as your highs." This is what Father Ronan said to me last Friday. When he said it, I listened but not until tonight did I understand. I am low. Low low low. This weekend was a grace a gift from the Holy Spirit, I finished my novena to Him and on that 9Th day my ex and I had dinner, we spoke for a long time, we prayed together and agreed that God is calling us both to 40 days of prayer and fasting in the desert, we need to stay apart and pray but we are in love and that love is a gift from God. Then today came, the shine of the weekend and those graces wore off. I now am tired and hungry from fasting and feel like a baby for feeling like a baby. I know this is a low, a test from my King I need to suck it up. I need to pray more and trust. I am the biggest pusher of trust. I tell everyone they need to trust God but when I have to do it I am a little baby curled up in her Father's arms crying. Emotions are so silly. Missing someone can feel like a knife. Loneliness can be a guillotine . Well I cant feel this way, I cant sit around crying because I miss him, I need to embrace this suffering and offer it up for God's will, have faith and keep going. God is putting all these pieces together as I whine about them I could be a tad more helpful and stop getting in His way. I am grateful ,don't get me wrong. I know God is working and loves me, very much. I am grateful He gave me the gift of this blog letting me write and get all these feelings out even if I run the risk of sounding like a spoiled brat.

The right place, the Right time..

Have you ever gotten that feeling like you were in the right place in your life at the exact right time? I have had that a lot these past few weeks. I think I was starting to steer my life into a place God didn't want it to go, so being the loving, kind ,gentle ,caring Lord that He is , He took the wheel back and put me on course. I think we all need that every now and again. I think about the little girl that I care for and how sometimes when we are practicing writing she needs me to put my hand over hers and guide her, its not that she is doing it wrong, she just needs a little help. I picture God doing that with my life. He takes His loving fatherly hand and just guides me to where I need to be. I sometimes forget that I know nothing. I forget that He is the one calling the shots and running this show and all I need to do is show up, really care and be willing to listen and let Him do what He does best, love me. It really blows my mind when I think of how much He loves us. I am so unworthy of that love yet it is given to me no matter what. Recently I feel God is calling me to come out into the desert with Him for 40 days. This may sound scary considering what happened to Jesus in His 40 days but I am not scared at all. I know I have Jesus and Mary with me not to mention the Holy Spirit. So what will this 40 days consist of? I have no idea. Only God knows that, I am not even going to try and guess. I feel like He is showing me patience and understanding, love and above all trust. He will take care of me, I do not need to worry about that. Trust is a big idea for us humans, our emotions make it hard sometimes but it truly is the key to salvation. So here I am in the desert.. the devil is near by speaking in my ear but I am not afraid. I am listening to my Kings soft loving voice, fasting as He has told me and learning lessons that are hard but needed for my state in life. I feel blessed to be in this time with Him and I can not wait to see , feel and understand the great plans He has for me. I want to share something He said to me while I was in adoration praying on Sunday;" Come to Me battered and bruised and I will clean your wounds, come to me tired and hungry and I will feed you and give you rest, trust in Me my child let me be the keeper of your heart. My love for you is strong, it will cleanse those wounds on your soul. Love Me greatly, be willing to give it all up for me and I will reward you in My kingdom."

I will take these words and with the Holy Spirit get through this time of suffering only to rejoice in the arms of my Love.