The season of hope

As most of you know, Advent is upon us. The past few seasons of Advent have been filled with sorrow for me, so this year I want to start off on the right foot. I want to take these next four weeks and "walk to the manger" with baited breath and trepidation. When I started this journey I decided to look up what the Church says about Advent, this is what I found;

Advent: A Time of Preparation:

In the Catholic Church, Advent is a period of preparation, extending over four Sundays, before Christmas. The word Advent comes from the Latin advenio, "to come to," and thus refers to the coming of Christ. This refers, first of all, to our celebration of Christ's birth at Christmas; but second, to the coming of Christ in our lives through grace and the Sacrament of Holy Communion; and finally, to the Second Coming at the end of time. Our preparations, therefore, should have all three comings in mind. We need to prepare our souls to receive Christ worthily.

This definition is exactly what my sorry soul needed. I always forget that He always gives me what I need, I am just too stubborn to see that at times. I really want this season to be about hope.Hope in life, hope for the future, hope for my own soul, hope for your souls. I want to blanket myself in hope and walk with Mary this Advent season. This is all easier said then done but that is something I really want to hold myself to. It is so easy to get distracted with shopping, friends, celebrations. I want to keep my focus on the manger, on the coming that changes me every year despite my flaws. Part of the good news of this season is that no matter how badly you are beaten down this is the opportunity for change. God is coming, no matter if you are depressed to the point of not waking up in the morning, struggling with family feuds, jobless, over worked, a new parent, unable to become pregnant, tired, happy, confused, no matter what, He is coming and all we have to do is let our soul be open and He will do the rest. It takes so little to say yes to God and at the same time it takes all we have. I pray I am able to be open, able to get over my pride, anger, envy whatever it may be and be humbled by the coming of Our King in this glorious Advent season.

Respect the process.. Well the joke is on me.

I have written about "respecting the process" before. I first heard the phrase when I was going through a difficult break up. I did not know what to make of it but in time it became my motto. Recently I have been thinking about the direction my life is going. I was talking with my boyfriend regarding trying to respect the process in which we are in and learn from it day to day . It suddenly dawned on me that what I am respecting is just Gods will. I have finally started to let Him drive this crazy train! I kept telling my boyfriend to accept the way he feels and what comes his way ie; respect the process. I did not even realize I was actually telling him to just trust God. When I put these thoughts together I laughed out loud. As I posted a few blogs back I was reading a self retreat book, https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqK75ZxJKbfUktLCAAnbHA3zsbimWhec2UveWQPUg3HfCpL6NYVAxZcshCt9m56tsbY4QUe7sASO3qXGllvW84jfTwmXwg-syeZ4GSbyTPJSlEIN4trDdx6L2gFXsh1MdLXorXNIbGbSLp/s1600/jesus.jpg In that book the author describes coming to God with all your issues, all the things you want to break but just cant. He says that since Our Lord is so loving He will slowly take those issues away for you and you wont even know He is doing it. That is exactly what happened with me. I was overjoyed when I realized this, thankful beyond belief. Here I was this whole time  thinking I was trying  so hard to focus , accept , to cope in a way,  when really He was the one doing all the work! He was and is the one in control and because He is the Master of love, he has wooed me into a better place.

Stubborn

Those aren't apples in the picture, they are tomato's. The plant we have at my house seems to be resisting. It is refusing to ripen. This got me thinking about my own stubbornness. Is it just my nature or my will? I have been noticing lately the similarity among a lot of my worst traits and traits of some members of my family. As most of you know I have struggled with the age old issue of being just like my mother and or any other member of the pack of wolfs that raised me. It seems the older I get the more I see the "whole picture" . At some point we all realize our parents are not perfect, we see their flaws for the first time and it can cause us to retreat into our shell. But at some point we come to grips with our parents being human and not Divine and we move on. I am waiting for the moving on stage.
I am starting to get there. The delay is mostly bc I am starting to see those faults in myself and I do not know how to break them. These are "copping mechanisms" I've had for 25 yrs. All the sudden I have to give them up! You'd have better luck pulling dinner away from a lion. The only thing is I know God wants me to give these things up. In the end it brings me closer to Him. I was struggling with this for almost a year and then I started reading the retreat book I've blogged about before, Consoling the Heart of Jesus. Recently I came across a section about this! It seems I am not a maniac! This happens to everyone! Hooray! In the section the at hour says Jesus will help you realize these ways of copping and cling closer to Him. The best part is you do not even know He is doing it! He just "romances" you and you make the choice to drop the doughnuts and or whatever copping mechanism you have! So today that is where I am. Much like my tomato plant I am not ready yet but I am still growing and at some point I will be ripe.

"LES YEUX TOURNES VERS L'AUBE" - Religous order with Down Syndrome

A few months ago I was introduced to this video. It pulled on my heart strings, for some reason i can not find the full video but here is a clip as well as a artical on the order. http://catholicexchange.com/2010/03/30/128761/  As some of you know I work with a child with down syndrome, this little child has changed my life in so many ways. She is loving, kind, friendly to all as well as possess a strong connection to God. A priest friend of mine says that people with down syndrome are the purest of people. They have a line to Him and are here to help us get closer. I feel this is true with my little friend but I see it here in this clip as well. I wish for everyone to know someone with down syndrome, the light they bring into your life is unlike any other. Please think of supporting these sisters in their works and to find out more about Down syndrome you can visit  http://nads.org/  as well as my friends blog http://amyjuliabecker.com/  .

Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa speaks of being in a spiritual wasteland at times. She has been quoted saying" I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much".. I have to say, I agree.  Sometimes I feel like I am lost in this wasteland with no food or water. In those times I look at Mother Teresa and gain inspiration from her.  She went through the most struggles and suffering yet did it all with grace and faith. I have enclosed a summary on Mother Teresa for those who do not know a lot about her and I hope she influences you as she has me.
http://www.ewtn.com/motherteresa

Quater life crisis or Big old baby syndrome?

I think I am having a quarter life crisis. I am turning 25 this week and I feel like I am walking to the guillotine. I recently found out how much I weight and how many pounds over weight I am. This was he start of my fall into crisis. I realized I am going to be 25 , I am unhealthy,over weight by 60 pounds and I am unmarried with no plans on the horizon to be. Not to mention I am working a job that I love but have to defend all the time, see my last post. I just feel deflated. When I was little I had this image of marrying a tall dark handsome man by the time I was 24 , living in a little house, gardening, cooking, witting , raising some pale big eyed children. Then I grew up. The dream became more of a dream and less of a possibility. I feel like the older I get that dream is slipping away from me. I know its not rational and I know that most of the people my age have this same feeling, its common and can be over come. The hard part is just getting through this time and coming out stronger. I have the feeling I am here to be humbled, to be pushed into facing that my plans are not always what is going to happen. The saying " God laughs as you make plans" comes to mind. I want to navigate through this properly, I want to hear God in this and walk this path with style and grace. I know it is not an easy task, I also know it is not the end of the world. I will deal with much worse in the years to come, I can only image what I will feel like at 50! For now I want to be thankful for the time I've had, even if it is not what I have always "wanted" . I want to trust that He knows what is best and will fulfill all my wildest dreams in due time, but right now, He just wants me to eat some cake and reflect.

Will you follow Me into this deep dark hole....

Sometimes being a Christian is like walking into a deep dark hole in the ground. You have no idea where you are going, what may happen or if there is a way out. However in the times that I have ventured into that hole I have been pleasantly surprised. I did not find a monster waiting to bite off my head or a pit of angry snakes, instead I found Christ. There He was waiting for me with open arms ready to take me on a journey. He could not promise that there would not be frightening parts or moments of suffering but He did promise a glorious out come. I work as a nanny. You would not believe the amount of flack I get for that. I worked in banking for about five years and hated it with a passion. After visiting Lourdes and praying for a sign to help me decide if I should leave my job I was robbed at gun point. Sign taken and off I went into the world of nanny-ing. Its been two years since then and I truly love my job. There have been moments of suffering and hardship. I am experiencing one now, I had to quit a family earlier then expected due to a hostile father I have a month before my other position starts. I have no clue how I am going to pay bills, but I am full of trust that He wants me at this point right now. I made my choice after praying for help and guidance on what to do and this is where He has lead me. Scary yes but also providential . I have had moments of “doubt” that God still wanted me in this field but they were forced by other's disapproval of my job not by my own thoughts. I have prayed that if He wants me out of the field to open other doors, I have applied for many other jobs and I have gotten nothing. It is clear to me He wants me here with these families for whatever reason. Yet other's in my life are not sold on that and put me in the incredibly hard position of defending my job, sometimes weekly. I understand these people want "more" for me . However, doesn’t God offer the "most" and if this is what He desires for me then should not I trust that? I think so. I see my job as another deep dark scary hole that He is asking me to follow Him into and I am willing . I am willing to keep defending Him and my choices made with Him. Maybe it is all a lesson of trust, trust for me to have in Him as well as He using me as an example to show others that they need to trust in Him. Trust is one of the hardest things we have to have but the relief we receive from trusting is indescribable. I wish more people trusted in His plan for them. I wish they would respect the time they have here and let Him show them the marvelous plan He has. He has never let me down before and if I could give that faith I have in Him to others ,I would. Until the time we all trust, I will keep praying for guidance in my life and for open hearts and minds in others.

If Virgina is for lovers then Connecticut is for panic attacks.

I am a very nervous person. I usually only travel somewhere if I have a buddy or if I know the location. I have these insane panic attacks while driving in traffic. I lose it and freeze and end up stuck in the wrong lane,get lost and end even more upset. Part of me thinks this is all just silly and I can over come it, so I venture out and end in tears within minutes. Its childlike I know but I cant seem to break it. Recently the family I worked for move to Connecticut. After a month of missing them I excepted an invitation to spend the day with them in their beautiful home. I talked myself into diving and persuaded myself if I left at dawn and came home late it would all be fine. So off I went luckily with my gracious boyfriend , whom by the way needs a medal, maybe even a peace prize. At first all was well, I made it through NYC with little stress. My fingers hurt from gripping the wheel but that was the worst of it. We got to CT and I was relaxed and happy. We spent a very lovely day with wonderful friends but then it came time to depart. Aside from just not wanting to leave I was nervous we would hit traffic. Boy was I wrong. No holiday traffic at all! However my gps decided we should not follow signs , going through the Bronx at 10pm would be better! I prayed Hail Mary's and made it out, then the GW bridge came, people were flying as I obeyed the 45 miles a hour, I was not liked and beeped at with a stamina unknown to me. Again the Hail Mary's rolled as did the Guardian Angel prayer , the Our Father, Litany of saints and I may have even said grace! Finally we get over into NJ and I could not have been happier, my boyfriend ,however,was frustrated in being unable to calm me down as I cried and shook and yelped as trucks pass by. I thought that was the worst of it, now we were in NJ it would be smooth sailing, HA! I was fooled again, this time my gps told me to bare left when really I was to go right and I, like a fool listened to my talking box of knowledge, Welcome to Patterson was all I saw and I again  panic set it. Finally after three detours, the GW, a small car fire on the turn pike, many tears, four letter words , prayers and not to mention bathroom breaks, my boyfriend now swearing never to drive with me again , recoiling in disgusts from my lack of composer , those moments do not normally bring out the best, we were home. Was it all worth it? You bet ! Spending the day with "family" letting the Holy Spirit float amongst us and thanking God for the beauty of it all was worth all the traffic ,fits and even a trip to the Bronx. The conclusion is, only God is going to be the one to help me to overcome this anxiousness. I need to keep trying, I cant miss out on friends, family, fun whatever the situation may be ,  just because I am scared of getting in an accident. I have to keep trying to be better at handling those moments, and I have the faith He will help me to do that. After all faith is half the battle.

The overwhelmingly rewarding job of Consoling the Heart of Jesus

A seminarian friend of mine recently saved my life. Not in the way you would think, I was not trapped in a car or in a burning building literally, but spiritual I was a mess. Spiritually I was in a car on fire in a building on fire under water drowning and again on fire. However God is merciful and he sent my friend to me in the nick of time. I was sitting in adoration not talking to God but having more of a childish arms crossed stare off with him when my friend entered.He gave me a soft knowing smile and handed me a very large book. It was a do it yourself retreat, inspired by the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius entitled,  Consoling the Heart of Jesus, http://thedivinemercy.org/chj/ I have to admit it was a bit funny that I was handed a do-it -yourself book considering I had been trying to "do it myself" and was not getting very far. The missing component just happened to be , Jesus. So, here I was " doing it myself" like so many of us do and forgetting to stop and ask Him for directions. Nevertheless, I received this book and opened it with a mix of emotions. I did not know where this retreat was going to take me, but I knew I needed a change somehow. I have not yet finished this retreat but I want to share something I read this morning in adoration with you all. I was surprised when I read this, shocked even. After reading it I got to my knees and begged for forgiveness that I did not even know I needed to ask for before these simple paragraphs."...Briefly there is a pause in the violence as the priest and elders discuss among themselves the best way to condemn Jesus to death. In the flickering light of torches you see the deep sorrow on the Lord's sullied face. As you contemplate his downcast countenance, his already closed eyelids suddenly tighten and his brown stiffens. A faint groan issues from his mouth, and it looks like he's about to fall over. You ask him what's the matter my Lord? What just happened? Without looking up , he whispers, My friend Peter just denied me three times. This brief meditation may help us to understand better the sensitivity of the Lord's Heart. For what wounds him most is, indeed, when those closest to him reject him and don't trust him. So what hurts the Lord most? Was it the nails that were driven into his wrist and feet? Or was it the sight through his supernatural vision of serious sins such as adultery and murder? Surely , seeing such sins would have pierced Jesus' Heart. It may come as a surprise , however, that such sins don't seem to be the ones that hurt him most. What hurts him most is the sin of distrust, that is, when people don't trust in his merciful love, especially when its those closest to him. That may sound strange at first. After all sins involving sex or violence tend to capture our attention most....." I hope this passage was as helpful to you as it was for me. I have spent so much time focusing on the sin and not on how it affect Jesus. I have over looked my distrust and rejection of him within my sins and that is something I never want to do again

Hell or High Water

I must have a hole somewhere in my brain where all the information concerning my faith slips out late at night like a teenage girl going to meet a boy. I know what I believe in and more importantly I believe what I believe in yet time and time again I push it off to the side tuck it all in a neat little cupboard and act as if I am someone else. Is this human nature? Or the bigger question I am just a self centered jerk? Both may be true. However it is not an excuse to do as I please, I have written time and time again on how I need to over come these things, be better then my best and actually follow what I believe in. Yet just as often I do the opposite and hurt my Father. I am tired of this hamster wheel! I am tired of feeling down and eating my emotions, gaining weight being too tired or depressed to pray, I am tired of crawling back to Him on my knees bloody and bruised asking forgiveness. How about do not do anything to be " I am sorry" for. I forget that my soul is much like my body and it too gets out of shape. I need to take it to the "gym" work it out and burn off a few bad things. I need to keep in my mind, that sin is like lard for the soul, it does nothing but slow it down and kill you. This is not rocket science I know all these things, and maybe it will be a life long struggle to keep my head above water, but the one thing that never changes is my will to do it. No matter how beaten bruised bloody and torn I am , I must fight this fight come hell or high water.

Your souls gone old and rusty

There is a line in one of my favorite songs it goes "Your souls gone old and rusty". I love this line and hate it all at once. I love it bc its smart and gives great visuals but I hate it bc its true. My soul has from time to time went old and rusty,like a spoon forgotten in the yard all summer . You stumble on it after the first big snow fall and are surprised by the familiar yet unexpected object. As many of you know I go in an out spiritually, the ability to stay focused on God and His love is not a strong suit of mine. Recently I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, I have known this person for maybe eight years. She was there when I did a lot of bad things and thought religion was nice and all but not for me. We have had a bumpy road bc of my conversion but we still chat now and again and maintain a friendship. Our conversation today was about drug use. My point is why do them? If you feel you will never live without some type of substance in your life then is that not a door way to a bigger problem ? Her response was that everyone has demons and a lot of times you form dependencies bc of them. I mentally posed the question of  is it demons or vices and is there a difference. However at this point the conversation ended maybe bc we both knew if it went on we would have another bumpy patch of hurt feelings and judgements that neither of us wanted. But my question remained swirling in my head. I then drew the line from that conversation to my own current spiritual state. To insure I do not let those old demons of my own come back in to trash my soul and push me into a darker place I need to do some maintenance. I need to get into adoration and keep fighting the fight. I truly believe God made me for a reason even if it's just to love Him daily.  I want to draw a clear line among having demons and the demons having me. Because at the end of the day we all have them, and they are there ready and waiting to come into our minds and souls and get comfy the question is can you face them? Are you ready to do the work needed to over come them and if not ,why?

New roads Old cars.

As most of you know I am a nanny. I work with a great family that will be moving in less then a month. I am heart broken and looking for other work. I have come to find that the situation I am in is unlike any other. A lot of the families I have interviewed with have been lets just say different. I come from a large close family so maybe that hinders my view on family life. I am having a hard time going to these interviews and not being judgmental. I am trying to just give this gift of love to a family whom I feel is a right match however that is not as easy as it seems. With all this taking place all I keep thinking is that I do not want to do this anymore. I want to be a care taker but a care taker of my own children. I want to be the one who is cried for through out the day, who is missed  at nap time. I am guessing these are normal woman emotions , a hangover from my ticking clock. I still do not know what is going to happen for summer work and as usual I am still confused on my vocation but it does give me peace to know there is something coming, even if I do not know what that is. I can take rest in the fact that changes is going to come good or bad.

Stop and smell the flowers Shannon!

Every day I drive to Lawrence to spend 4-6 hours with two of the sweetest, loving children I have ever met. Today was like any other day expect William and I had to run to the store. While there we took a little trip to the land of bread for a treat and some alone time. This little stop was the high light of my day. Just sitting and talking to him over coffee and a sticky bun was so much fun. It made me slow down, take a second. I realized I have known this little guy since birth and now fast approaching not only his 2nd birthday but the families move to another state had me feeling sad and a tad lonesome. I love this family, they have been a constant support to me in prayers and love. They are a dream family to work for and I know I will never find another one like them. I know I have made life long friends. So as I think of all these things allowing myself to stop and just soak in these moments with this amazing little man, we begin to walk to the car. William stops cold and says " stop and smell the flowers with me, Shannon'. My heart stopped , I am sure we have done this a hundred times but today it had more meaning, today it was a nudge from the Holy Spirit telling me to embrace this moment that God was giving me, not to let the world over take me but just to stop and smell the flowers.

Pride will tear us apart, Love will set us apart

Pride. I have written about it before. It is something that I struggle with. The more I think about why I am so prideful the more I go back into that deep dark cave inside my mind called , childhood. Currently in life my new favorite thing is blaming my childhood on why I am so prideful, stubborn and selfish. As some of you know I was an only child for 13 years, my mother had me very young and we grew together more as sisters then mother and daughter. This caused a ripple affect in our relationship. Forever now I see her as a sister, as a young silly girl who I want to never be like. Funny thing about that is I am more like her as the seconds pass then I like to admit. We are all like our mothers at some point, but my question is, is that a bad thing? The Catholic Church teaches that Mary is our mother. She was handed over to us by her Son, our Lord. So if we are all like our mothers shouldn't we look at who our mother is and strive to become like her? My pride and my mom's pride is something that seems to be imbedded in our family. We all have it. It is a poison that runs deep and last long. I truly believe this is due to the hard times we have all experienced separately. The struggles and trials that we endured with no one by our sides due to our Godless up bringing. Those moments of pain and challenge caused us all to have this swollen misplaced righteousness. However is not seeing that the first step to repairing it? I know there is a cure for this pride and it is prayer. I should not be ashamed to be like my mother, as long as I am being like the right one. Obviously this is a journey as all things are with God and I am going to have to trek through many other erie waters before I find my home , but there is a peace knowing I have a home and a mother to come home to.

Life after the retreat

Recently I had the pleasure of spending the day at a women's retreat. The priest was http://www.fatherangelus.com/. He is a wonderful priest and I was excited to spend the day listening to his thoughtful words. I went into this retreat with an open heart. I did not know the topics he was to talk about, all I wanted was to take notes listen and pray God gave me some grace to get out of this funk I have described in previous posts. So did He? Yes, but in His way, not mine. I enjoyed all the things Father said. I was happy to be there and felt very peaceful, however what I was more excited about was to have a confession with him. It seemed he knew things about me that I have not told and I left with a complete sense that I just spoke to my King through this man. I truly believe this is what confession is intended to be like every time, however I think we let ourselves ruin that from time to time. Confession becomes a habit , we rattle off our sins and forget that it is not just our priest in there with us but Christ Himself here to listen and forgive us. So there I am in line for confession , I get inside and it is like he has a secret for me and only me and I cannot wait to hear it. We have a beautiful confession , again there were moments where he spoke as if he knew what was in my soul before I said it. I truly think that prayer was answered that day, and I am thankful for that. Yet it is hard when you start to see God's work in your life, He does not always answer prayers the way you would like. So today a few days after my retreat and back into reality I am praying for that peace again. I am asking for the grace to be patient and understanding while God helps me work out this mess. I guess what I am saying is that God works in ways I will not ever understand and I should take those moments of peace He offers during my days and remember them when I am lost and confused about this life. This is not an easy task but sometimes He gives me help with beautiful retreats with His closest friends

The cow or the grass

Recently I have been thinking a lot about food. For those of you who know me you know this isn't a shock. However I have been thinking about healthy food. I eat very few meat products. My diet is mostly sugar and fat and that's not a good choice. Its not that I have anything against the big cow or chicken they just don't taste great to me, they bore me. My boyfriend and I have been eating out daily for the past few months, needless to say it has been hurting our wallets and our belly's. We aren't married and won't live together until we get married so cooking a meal for two is hard when you are doing it in other people's kitchens. All of this eating out got us thinking how we don't know what is in our food, we aren't told or even able to understand half of the chemicals used to "preserve" our yummy treats so that being said, should we be eating it? This morning my answer is no. I think we should change our diet, start finding protein in other sorces, buy fresh fruits and veggies from a local farm and cook it weekly. It will probally save us both a lot of money and maybe even a few years on our lives. So for now I am going to research and understand what this change means but I am looking forward to eating food and feeling the way God intended us to feel.

spring cleaning

I walk to the refrigerator and stare blankly inside. I see nothing there that is considered healthy. I see cheesecake and potato salad some left over hot dogs. I want to eat I am hungry or am I just sad or lonely or bored? What does any of this have to do with God? All of it. I have begun to see in the passed few years that there is not a choice I make that doesn't involve Him. Example, what I eat. I am hungry but I am also a little depressed now do I turn that into prayer while having a salad or do I go for the cake and sit in my bed? Everything you do from the minute you wake has a direct line to God and in turn back to you. I have been forced to see this in these past few weeks. I had a case of the winter blues whether it was because of the weather or my relationship or my job or family whatever the case I was down so I ate, a lot 25 pounds of spare tire in my mid section a lot. I also stopped praying as much because in my spare time from eating I was asleep. Two o'clock in the afternoon I was out cold and could not figure out why. The past few days it has been 89 and sunny, I went to the beach and felt the sun touch my body for the first time in months, I let it burn just to feel something greater then me. This something greater of course is God, He was ever so gently saying "wake up, its time to come home". I have been away from Him and my "home" all winter so now that He has shaken my soul into spring I see how much I really need Him. I need Him to help me make the right choice in food, clothes, jobs, cars, family, relationships, everything. I need Him to kick my back side sometimes and ask me in that Fatherly way what am I thinking ? So here comes spring and here I go off to the gym with rosary in hand. A little spring cleaning is needed on the soul just as much as the house.

Wake up America

When I was little I woke up often in the night with the sense of fear creeping deep within my bones. The only remedy for this was to dive deeper into my covers and say Hail Mary's until I fell asleep. Recently as an adult I have had this same fear the difference now is that going deeper under my covers wont help.The "monster under the bed" has changed from inviable to the face of our nations president. The health care bill has me shaken to my core. I am worried for my rights, I am worried for my parents, grandparents, brother and sisters. The government has already started to outlaw certain foods BC they deem them unhealthy so how far are we from the law makers getting rid of certain people BC they are unhealthy or "defective"? I would like to say something to all for my Pro-Choice friends; You believe that your body is your right, you can choose what to do with it, what to put in it and take out of it. You do not think that God has the right to tell you what to do even though He made you. So explain to me, what is going to happen when the government tells you that even though you made your CHOICE to keep the child you are going to have they have over ruled that CHOICE because your child is not perfect it has down syndrome or a sugar problem or will be blind or deaf. Your CHOICE will be taken away from you because of our new health care plan. I hope we all realize that the difference between God and the government is that God will NOT impede on your free will, but the government will. I am scared brothers and sister. I am scared for my parents future, my future, my future children, that is if America lasts that long.

Dreams may come true

I always have the strangest dreams. They never really make sense and there is usually a theme of fear or murder in them. I have stopped paying attention to what I dream about I wake up, shower and go about my day just laughing off the oddities my mind created. However last night I had a dream that stayed with me. I was in the kitchen at my house, my grandmother and my uncle were there with me, my uncle, whom as far as I know has no religious affiliation, turns to me and says " I want to be the bible I want to eat it, love it, and be as close as a person can be to it." I then say ; " Don't you see, Jesus is the bible, He is the word of God, He came and preached to us the Gospels, He came to be the bread of life, He gave up his body and blood for us in the Eucharist and there we can eat Him, we can consume Him , when we do that we are consuming the bible, we are as close to the Word of God as you can be. In those moments when we are receiving Him we build the most intimate relationship, we go home to our Maker. " At this point in the dream my grandmother asks me what in the world I am talking about and then I wake up. I do not know why I recalled this dream so vividly but I felt like The Holy Spirit wanted me to share it. Please do not misunderstand me in the statement I made in the dream, I still think reading the bible is important, I think we need to do it daily and use it as the powerful tool that it is. But do not forget the rosary is scriptural too there are many ways we can reflect on Scripture.

The Best

The best in people. I have been thinking a lot this lent about seeing the "best in people". I know it is hard to find that "best' sometimes. When I am in line at some store and the person behind me is making loud annoyed noises at how many things I have to pay for or when I am waiting to receive confession and someone is complaining about how long the line is or how long the priest takes with each person or when people I am waiting for or meeting are late or taking their time and we have to be somewhere. These things make me crazy, they make me want to tell these people to hurry up, shut up, suck it up and be happy, but that is not fair. That is not what Jesus would do and it is not what I should be doing, Instead I have started to offer up these little moments, I say a prayer for whatever is causing them to be short with others and I hope and pray that when the time comes that I am short and annoyed, and trust me its often I am no saint, that someone is praying for me. Maybe these prayers will change things, all of us will come a little closer to Him in those moments and that would be a grace. That would be us being like Christ and is that not what we are all called for?

Food Food Food

I love food. I cant help it. There is something programmed in my brain that sets off fireworks when I smell garlic, or give me a drooling mouth every time I walk past a bakery. These things just happen so I have come to believe God made me this way, I better use it! At the moment I am fasting for Lent from all sugar as well as all alcohol. This may seem easy for most but for me all I want to do is curl up with a glass of dark rich red wine and a chocolate lava cake! However feeling the grace I get when my belly growls and I can offer that up for people less fortune or when I see that candy bar in the grocery store line and I know not eating that may help save a soul in purgatory. Those feelings make me center back to God and all He does and is doing for me. Those feelings make me a tiny bit more grateful of His love. So I think after Lent ends I wont go back to my normal glass of wine with dinner or chocolate on a weekday afternoon. I will offer that up throughout the year for all those who suffer for all those who do not know God as well as they would like to, for all.

A little shout out on the book I just read; "The girl in the orange dress" written by Margot Starbuck.

Lately it has been snowing here, a lot. I love the snow when it is falling down in mystical little flakes but as soon as it stops I am ready for it to find a new home. I wish we could scoop it up and send it out to sea, however it does make for great reading time. I was just given a book from my friend and author , Amy Julia Becker{ her book ,Penelope Ayers can be bought through her website; http://www.amyjuliabecker.com/}. The story Amy Julia handed over to me is written by another fabulous author, Margot Starbuck{ http://www.margotstarbuck.com/} her story is a spiritual memoir. A long journey to find "the Father that never fails." I too have gone down this path and I know it is not a easy one. There are times of betrayal , hardship, emotional pain and sorrows that make you wonder if you will ever be a happy person again. Yet, I feel this is such a needed road to go down to be truly one with yourself and God. I know I would not be the strong woman I am now if I had not stopped to listen to our Heavenly Father for a moment, if I did not swallow my pride for a brief second and frankly , shut up. Margot paints a picture for us that is so familiar that I found myself crying and laughing all at once. It was like she was in my head on many occasions and just captured my thoughts in a more articulate way. I wont say too much on the book because I do not want to spoil it, I simply suggest you run out and buy it now. You wont be sorry, this story is truly one of grace, love , compassion and hilarity.

Dream big

I am a big advocate of doing what you want. Now I know that can be taken a few ways and since I am a Christian I know that it can and always is brought up in argument. However what I mean by that is, standing up for what you believe in, in union with God. I am pro life so I pray and I stand up for the unborn.I feel that we all should do what makes us happy so I pray and ask God what that is. I recognize that I am small, I know nothing so I consult the One who knows it all. I want to follow my dreams and I want my dreams to have passed through His sleep first. If that means I move to Rome and live in a small home raising children and making meals then wonderful, if that means I stay here and work until my hands are old and wrinkled with the signs of my life then I am pleased to do it. I actually think that a elderly woman's hands are one of the most beautiful pieces of art God makes. No matter what my dreams may be I will chase them, praying and letting the sweet wind of the Holy Spirit fill my lungs.

Grace Love and Will.

I have been a Christian long enough to know God loves me, however that doesn't stop me from being shocked every time He intercedes in my life. It really makes me think about all the people who say that there is no God. It makes me wonder, have they tried praying? When we are in love with God, and we have the will to follow Him then our will interlines with His. So when we are praying or asking for help or just talking to Him about our life His answer is what is utterly best for us.. Not because we loose ourselves in the relationship but because He loves us so much He gives us what is best for us and what will and does make us happy. I feel like we all forget from time to time that He created us, like the loving Father He is He wants to take care of us so shouldn't he know what is best? Now we can and do use our free will in all of this and he is fine and happy about that but I guess the point I am stumbling to make here is that if we love truly love then trust in him is short to follow and then around the corner comes bliss, whether the answer we receive is what we wanted or not.

Frustration

I have been so tired of my life these last few weeks. I am tired of thinking about what is next. I am tired of putting my trust in people. I am just tired. I guess that tiredness comes from frustration. I am frustrated with my state in life at the moment yet my hands are tied when it comes to change and I have always hated that. I was always so determined to be in control to be able to call the shots in my own life but it has yet to happen. Now at 24 I find myself back in the same spot waiting for someone else to call the shots so I can see what my next move is. I can complain about this all I want but I do have control in something, I can choose to walk away or stay. But then the questions of love comes in. How much are you willing to deal with for love? Do you "stand by your man" while he figures things out with hopes that it will all work out in your favor or do you walk away live life and wait for him to get it together alone? I say stay. I say that if this are what God wants and I am to marry this man I need to support him, in good times and in bad. However, is that being walked on or a good woman?